monetpompo
you've got everything now
- Apr 21, 2025
- 899
i've been sick for the week that i was supposed to plan out my suicide so i haven't had much time to get it together. tomorrow i'm planning on going to an electronics store to sell some of the stuff in my room. seeing all the old things i bought myself in high school and polaroids from when i used to see my friends more often made me feel sad and nostalgic. i kind of always forget if i have my noose set up in my closet or if i left my rope out. the other day my sister opened the door of my closet and i winced because i usually set my rope up on the clothes rod. i was glad that it wasn't there.
i have some stuff i can do like driving lessons, piano lessons, college, or getting a job if i choose to live, but i feel like i'm kind of idealizing the experience of doing those things when in reality i would struggle a lot and i might fall back into my suicidal ideation. for most of last year i was heavily suicidal and i didn't really expect to still be alive. i just don't want to have anymore personal or financial obligations, since that's what was stopping me from killing myself last year. most of all, i don't believe that i'll be able to pass my driving lessons and i'm going to keep struggling because i don't believe in myself. it won't be the teacher's fault or my parents' fault, it'll just be my fault and all the lessons i did before this will have been for nothing.
it's a situation a lot of people been in before, where they just expected themselves to die. i don't know if i really have the mental energy for college or being around people, i just think that i'm going to feel like i'm "missing out" on the college experience if my friends graduate while i stay in school because i dropped out. my mom is kind of the main reason i want to commit suicide. i'm really lonely most days because i dropped out and there isn't anything for me to do outside because i don't have a license. and even though i have friends they all feel far away because i can't see them unless i have someone to drive me to hang out with them. my mom has always wanted everyone in the family to be miserable and lonely, because she's like that. but i know she's still disappointed that i don't believe i can do anything, even though she's the one that made me incapable of believing in myself. she kept talking down to me when i talked about job interviews, seeing my friends, or trying to get my license. i also just hate having to be around her all the time because i feel disgusted by her. i hate the sound of her voice or being forced to listen to her talk to me even when i'm avoiding her.
my sister has a lot going for her in life, and i compare myself to her a lot because she seems like a culmination of what i'm not. i often wish that i was her and that makes me forget all the things i like about myself and sends me into depressive spirals. i can't get therapy and antipsychotics make me drowsy and not eat. i don't know if life is worth living because i'm the one that keeps pulling myself down. when i feel "down" for real, i feel like i'm fundamentally wrong as a human being while everyone else has it figured out. and that makes me feel like i'm a garbage alien creature or something.
i have some stuff i can do like driving lessons, piano lessons, college, or getting a job if i choose to live, but i feel like i'm kind of idealizing the experience of doing those things when in reality i would struggle a lot and i might fall back into my suicidal ideation. for most of last year i was heavily suicidal and i didn't really expect to still be alive. i just don't want to have anymore personal or financial obligations, since that's what was stopping me from killing myself last year. most of all, i don't believe that i'll be able to pass my driving lessons and i'm going to keep struggling because i don't believe in myself. it won't be the teacher's fault or my parents' fault, it'll just be my fault and all the lessons i did before this will have been for nothing.
it's a situation a lot of people been in before, where they just expected themselves to die. i don't know if i really have the mental energy for college or being around people, i just think that i'm going to feel like i'm "missing out" on the college experience if my friends graduate while i stay in school because i dropped out. my mom is kind of the main reason i want to commit suicide. i'm really lonely most days because i dropped out and there isn't anything for me to do outside because i don't have a license. and even though i have friends they all feel far away because i can't see them unless i have someone to drive me to hang out with them. my mom has always wanted everyone in the family to be miserable and lonely, because she's like that. but i know she's still disappointed that i don't believe i can do anything, even though she's the one that made me incapable of believing in myself. she kept talking down to me when i talked about job interviews, seeing my friends, or trying to get my license. i also just hate having to be around her all the time because i feel disgusted by her. i hate the sound of her voice or being forced to listen to her talk to me even when i'm avoiding her.
my sister has a lot going for her in life, and i compare myself to her a lot because she seems like a culmination of what i'm not. i often wish that i was her and that makes me forget all the things i like about myself and sends me into depressive spirals. i can't get therapy and antipsychotics make me drowsy and not eat. i don't know if life is worth living because i'm the one that keeps pulling myself down. when i feel "down" for real, i feel like i'm fundamentally wrong as a human being while everyone else has it figured out. and that makes me feel like i'm a garbage alien creature or something.
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