Help Going back and forth on doing it today

[its-about-time]

Sorry I just need some love. I've decided like 4 times today to ctb, it's only 1:45pm. My brain is REALLY good at distracting me from hard thoughts. I decide to ctb, then suddenly I'm off thinking down a rabbit hole about random things. Then come back to ctb and back to deciding I'm doing it immediately. And repeat.

I'm struggling to not reach out to the person I love. If I reach out, it's over. I know the way I feel right now I'll tell her and it'll result in hospitalization. I just want to feel loved right now. I want to feel worth something. Nobody can make me feel that way though, even her.

I don't know what I'm doing. I bought some liquor an hour ago and am drinking now. I have my SN and pre meds all on hand. I got it out and have been holding it all day. Please don't talk about not choosing ctb impulsively or whether I'm ready or not. I don't care about any of that. I've decided to die and don't care if it's impulsive or not well thought out or whatever.

I just don't like being alive and I want it to be over but it's so hard to get there. I want to talk to her but it will ruin everything I've gathered to die. I just am fucking sad. Please just say something nice. I don't know which direction today will go I just want to feel better.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, and I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[its-about-time]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, and I hope you find relief from your pain.

Thank you. I don't usually feel so emotional anymore. But today I'm just crying heavily when the thoughts are around my life, before they quickly distract me with random things. I'm not even concerned about the damage I'll leave behind. That's always been my reason for staying. I just feel so sad about how my life has been. From start to now. It's just sad.

 

[Lullaby]

I'm sorry, OP. I've been messed up all day too, just tons of crying.

I feel like you should do what you feel is best in this situation, even if it's talking to this girl. I know how tiring this all is, trust me. It's exhausting, but we'll always have that option to take the permanent trip whenever we want.

There's no wrong decision here. If you want to sit here and vent to us, that's okay too. I'm struggling really bad this weekend, but I'm here for you and I'm sure others are too.

 

[its-about-time]

I'm sorry, OP. I've been messed up all day too, just tons of crying.

I feel like you should do what you feel is best in this situation, even if it's talking to this girl. I know how tiring this all is, trust me. It's exhausting, but we'll always have that option to take the permanent trip whenever we want.

There's no wrong decision here. If you want to sit here and vent to us, that's okay too. I'm struggling really bad this weekend, but I'm here for you and I'm sure others are too.

Thank you. Your message brought the onslaught of tears back. I want to talk to her so bad, I just don't want to repeat what I always do: worry her incessantly, to the point she calls the police and I go back to the hospital and lose my means of killing myself because I know I'd just end up telling her everything. I know it all sounds so trivial and dramatic and immature. I just want a god damn hug. Maybe I'll message her. I don't know yet. I'm not willing to eradicate the possibility of killling my self today yet.

Thank you. Your message brought the onslaught of tears back. I want to talk to her so bad, I just don't want to repeat what I always do: worry her incessantly, to the point she calls the police and I go back to the hospital and lose my means of killing myself because I know I'd just end up telling her everything. I know it all sounds so trivial and dramatic and immature. I just want a god damn hug. Maybe I'll message her. I don't know yet. I'm not willing to eradicate the possibility of killling my self today yet.

And I'm really sorry @BracketsHTML that you're in this way today too. I'm really sorry. This is such an awful way to feel. I wish I could hug you too

 

[rabbitlinnt10]

can tell you're defo going through a lot right now, evefy thought and feeling you're going through right now is valid and normal. this type of shit is gonna be confusing, you are gonna be conflicted and you're not weird or out of line for not knowing exactly how to plan out something like this without roadblocks because you wouldn't be a human if you didn't, you'd be an alien if you didn't have these types of feelings. I don't fully know your personal situation but I can relate on the basis of what this post detaills. This ain't just taking a walk in the park, it's literally exterminating yourself. Death is complicated, the most complicated difficult thing in the world so you have to be nice to yourself and don't judge yourself or put any unneeded pressure on your already strained head rn. This shit is not fuckin easy, it's degrading and demoralising which is why I really wanna understand you completely

You say no one will ever make you feel like you matter or are worth anything, what's the result you'd want from telling her what you feel and have built up inside, it just the thought that counts for you? That your plans getting ruined would be worth just being acknowledged that you're cared for? But even that isn't worth it because then you won't have an escape? I'm guessing it might be to do with the short term gratification (correct me if I'm wrong) but risks are there depending on what you would tell that person. (which I'm assuming you'd say that you're feeling suicidal rn and want/need her in your life at this moment for comfort, I'm not sure any other reason you'd end up in hospital without you telling someone your plans, again correct me if I'm wrong)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, you deserve better. You need better, I really hope you get a peaceful outcome. You're not a bad person for feeling this way, I'm sorry you feel you can't talk to the person you love what you're going through without the risk of your freedom being taken. We understand

 

[DangerRanger]

No matter what you choose to do, you have our support. If you need to vent or just bounce ideas and thoughts off someone, I'm here. Regardless of what you do, I wish you nothing but the best

 

[its-about-time]

can tell you're defo going through a lot right now, evefy thought and feeling you're going through right now is valid and normal. this type of shit is gonna be confusing, you are gonna be conflicted and you're not weird or out of line for not knowing exactly how to plan out something like this without roadblocks because you wouldn't be a human if you didn't, you'd be an alien if you didn't have these types of feelings. I don't fully know your personal situation but I can relate on the basis of what this post detaills. This ain't just taking a walk in the park, it's literally exterminating yourself. Death is complicated, the most complicated difficult thing in the world so you have to be nice to yourself and don't judge yourself or put any unneeded pressure on your already strained head rn. This shit is not fuckin easy, it's degrading and demoralising which is why I really wanna understand you completely

You say no one will ever make you feel like you matter or are worth anything, what's the result you'd want from telling her what you feel and have built up inside, it just the thought that counts for you? That your plans getting ruined would be worth just being acknowledged that you're cared for? But even that isn't worth it because then you won't have an escape? I'm guessing it might be to do with the short term gratification (correct me if I'm wrong) but risks are there depending on what you would tell that person. (which I'm assuming you'd say that you're feeling suicidal rn and want/need her in your life, I'm not sure any other reason you'd end up in hospital without you telling someone your plans, again correct me if I'm wrong)

Thank you, ugh. We've been talking again these last two weeks because she was worried about me (clairvoyance if you ask me because we previously went no-contact). She knows I'm suicidal. Just not the extent of how prepared I am or how motivated I am. I could try to talk to her today without giving anything too worrisome away to the point she'd take action but honestly she reads me very well and just knows things, she'd probably figure out how close I am no matter what I said. I might reach out anyways. I feel so awful about myself. I've spent years worrying her. I don't want to do that anymore. But I don't know what else to do. I feel so close. And it's really scary honestly.

 

[affinity]

I think we've spoken before and I admittedly was pretty damn adamant about leaving last Wednesday myself, but a brief reprieve was offered and I felt like I owed it to them to hang around just a bit longer.

Not sure if you can relate - but it seems like that's what life has been for the past year and a half: feeling adamant about your decision, then someone/something comes along and offers a reprieve and you feel like you owe it to them (and yourself) to take it because maybe things will turn around. I keep imposing deadlines and something happens that makes me feel like I need to stick around, but these reprieves are just brief, they aren't long term solutions.

I don't know you well enough to know what is the solution to your struggles - only you can know that. What I do know is that you have someone who loves you and is trying her best to help you through this. You're right, she may call the police and ask for you to be hospitalized. But she may not, especially if she knows you're just trying your best to explain your needs.

I think you need to have a real discussion with yourself as to what you feel you need to stick around and then stick to it. Don't be like me and go back and forth - you're just torturing yourself. You've got something worth sticking around for. Call her.

 

[its-about-time]

I think we've spoken before and I admittedly was pretty damn adamant about leaving last Wednesday myself, but a brief reprieve was offered and I felt like I owed it to them to hang around just a bit longer.

Not sure if you can relate - but it seems like that's what life has been for the past year and a half: feeling adamant about your decision, then someone/something comes along and offers a reprieve and you feel like you owe it to them (and yourself) to take it because maybe things will turn around. I keep imposing deadlines and something happens that makes me feel like I need to stick around, but these reprieves are just brief, they aren't long term solutions.

I don't know you well enough to know what is the solution to your struggles - only you can know that. What I do know is that you have someone who loves you and is trying her best to help you through this. You're right, she may call the police and ask for you to be hospitalized. But she may not, especially if she knows you're just trying your best to explain your needs.

I think you need to have a real discussion with yourself as to what you feel you need to stick around and then stick to it. Don't be like me and go back and forth - you're just torturing yourself. You've got something worth sticking around for. Call her.

That's exactly what it is. And you're right. I just sent her a message. I hate the majority of this existence but I still have little things to hold onto and I'm trying so hard to do that

 

[rabbitlinnt10]

Thank you, ugh. We've been talking again these last two weeks because she was worried about me (clairvoyance if you ask me because we previously went no-contact). She knows I'm suicidal. Just not the extent of how prepared I am or how motivated I am. I could try to talk to her today without giving anything too worrisome away to the point she'd take action but honestly she reads me very well and just knows things, she'd probably figure out how close I am no matter what I said. I might reach out anyways. I feel so awful about myself. I've spent years worrying her. I don't want to do that anymore. But I don't know what else to do. I feel so close. And it's really scary honestly.

I completely understand that, you have empathy even in your darkest moments. Not many people have that trait, even in their brightest moments!! you are very strong rn, and i can tell you are deeply affected and are genuine because you would gain nothing from telling me why you don't want to distress someone you love so we both know that's not your intention and you're not malicious at all, especially with the fact you try your best effort NOT to tell her. But I can again understand you have a guilty conscious but you are not experiencing this for a joke or any sort of satisfaction, you are the victim and you are in pain yourself. i can tell she loves you by the fact ur so worried about her getting you help asap when she's concerned. im sure she understands everything you're going through if I do over this one simple post, I'd say it would be okay to tell her you feel very unhappy rn and maybe tiptoe around it, saying you've thought about it doing it in the future (I say this to tell people I'm gonna suicide but by the time I'm two years older or 6 months later so I don't have short term consequences or repercussions of getting my safety taken away. but also maybe you don't even wanna bring up suicide to worry her at all, it's a very complicated situation for you. I'm sorry it has to be like this, the ball is in your court ofc of what you wanna say but remember to plz think about yourself first and how you'll feel long term. id defo tell her you are feeling extremely depressed and are not coping well, bur don't feel like it right now but feel a urge to do it in the future maybe (again I'm only speaking from experience of what I've done, I just rly don't want anyone else on this forum being on a grubby hospital bed and getting existential crisis

 

[its-about-time]

I completely understand that, you have empathy even in your darkest moments. Not many people have that trait, even in their brightest moments!! you are very strong rn, and i can tell you are deeply affected and are genuine because you would gain nothing from telling me why you don't want to distress someone you love so we both know that's not your intention and you're not malicious at all, especially with the fact you try your best effort NOT to tell her. But I can again understand you have a guilty conscious but you are not experiencing this for a joke or any sort of satisfaction, you are the victim and you are in pain yourself. i can tell she loves you by the fact ur so worried about her getting you help asap when she's concerned. im sure she understands everything you're going through if I do over this one simple post, I'd say it would be okay to tell her you feel very unhappy rn and maybe tiptoe around it, saying you've thought about it doing it in the future (I say this to tell people I'm gonna suicide but by the time I'm two years older or 6 months later so I don't have short term consequences or repercussions of getting my safety taken away. but also maybe you don't even wanna bring up suicide to worry her at all, it's a very complicated situation for you. I'm sorry it has to be like this, the ball is in your court ofc of what you wanna say but remember to plz think about yourself first and how you'll feel long term. id defo tell her you are feeling extremely depressed and are not coping well, bur don't feel like it right now but feel a urge to do it in the future maybe (again I'm only speaking from experience of what I've done, I just rly don't want anyone else on this forum being on a grubby hospital bed and getting existential crisis

I sent her a message and asked if we can talk about anything so we're talking about darts. She knows I'm suicidal right now I didn't say it but she knows me well and has been through a lot with me so I know she knows. She's playing along though and helping for the time being and that feels good. Just talking about anything with her helps. I'm so sorry I feel like such a waste of space. I really appreciate you saying all that and understanding and encouraging me to message her. Nothing is easy and you're really helping.

 

[rabbitlinnt10]

I sent her a message and asked if we can talk about anything so we're talking about darts. She knows I'm suicidal right now I didn't say it but she knows me well and has been through a lot with me so I know she knows. She's playing along though and helping for the time being and that feels good. Just talking about anything with her helps. I'm so sorry I feel like such a waste of space. I really appreciate you saying all that and understanding and encouraging me to message her. Nothing is easy and you're really helping.

okayy great, and it's fine. everything you've posted here is stuff that's already been in my head so I have no judgement or ignorance towards your emotions, don't want anytime to feel the way I felt

EDIT:
also this prolly sounds dumb but I do it to measure my experience in life being worth it, write down the pros and cons of your life and see which ones are fixable and which ones are not and add it all up to see which result favours your heart more. If you still have something to keep you around, I also feel like it's not wise to not stay in contact all the time with the person you love as well, take advantage of what you have rn and don't push anyone close away from any self hatred for yourself because you don't wanna regret losing anyone that makes life rn a little bit easier. you didn't ask for any of this, just try to make yourself as comfortable as possible and don't leave any stone unturned that will help even if it doesn't work instantly

 

[its-about-time]

okayy great, and it's fine. everything you've posted here is stuff that's already been in my head so I have no judgement or ignorance towards your emotions, don't want anytime to feel the way I felt

EDIT:
also this prolly sounds dumb but I do it to measure my experience in life being worth it, write down the pros and cons of your life and see which ones are fixable and which ones are not and add it all up to see which result favours your heart more. If you still have something to keep you around, I also feel like it's not wise to not stay in contact all the time with the person you love as well, take advantage of what you have rn and don't push anyone close away from any self hatred for yourself because you don't wanna regret losing anyone that makes life rn a little bit easier. you didn't ask for any of this, just try to make yourself as comfortable as possible and don't leave any stone unturned that will help even if it doesn't work instantly

You're seriously great. It's kinda funny. Pros and cons lists are like my entire existence. I don't want to get knuckle tats until the rest of my arms are tattooed but I have planned on "PROS" and "CONS" for years lol it's seriously my favorite skill. I just bought a new truck and want custom plates and this friend suggested "PRO - CON" for the plates hahaha. So excellent suggestion. I've been journaling on and off today I think I'll get back to my notebook soon and do just what you suggested.

 

[tilly17]

Sorry I just need some love. I've decided like 4 times today to ctb, it's only 1:45pm. My brain is REALLY good at distracting me from hard thoughts. I decide to ctb, then suddenly I'm off thinking down a rabbit hole about random things. Then come back to ctb and back to deciding I'm doing it immediately. And repeat.

I'm struggling to not reach out to the person I love. If I reach out, it's over. I know the way I feel right now I'll tell her and it'll result in hospitalization. I just want to feel loved right now. I want to feel worth something. Nobody can make me feel that way though, even her.

I don't know what I'm doing. I bought some liquor an hour ago and am drinking now. I have my SN and pre meds all on hand. I got it out and have been holding it all day. Please don't talk about not choosing ctb impulsively or whether I'm ready or not. I don't care about any of that. I've decided to die and don't care if it's impulsive or not well thought out or whatever.

I just don't like being alive and I want it to be over but it's so hard to get there. I want to talk to her but it will ruin everything I've gathered to die. I just am fucking sad. Please just say something nice. I don't know which direction today will go I just want to feel better.

Im so tired sorry you're suffering so much. Sending hugs and support . Wishing better for you