I obviously don't know about the relationship you have with your family, but is there really no option to talk with them now?
Me personally, i like to be realistic with things. How do you say in germany "die katze ist aus dem sack" (the cat is out of the bag). Since the house is going to be sold, you are pretty much on a clock with the double life right? Is there a possibility that you can talk to one of them in private first - basically break down and just unleash everything that you've been hiding and ask for help?
If for whatever reason it's not possible to get help from your family in this matter (they are tired, don't/can't help anymore, don't know how etc.), i can tell you from personal experience there is other help out there in germany, especially (!!!) if you have anxiety problems and struggle to leave the house or go to certain buildings.
Can i ask what the main issue is for you right now? Why did they cut the electricity, is it money? Many people struggle everywhere in the world. Thankfully here in germany there are so many programs and social departments that can help you get back on track without forcing you to go to work (if you can't do that for example).
I am asking to try finding out in what direction i can maybe guide you (from my own experience), so that there can be a little shine of light
Hey Anon!
I'll try to give you a short summary of my situation. It'll probably be all over the place, but here we go: I'm probably at least 100.000 € in debt. So yes, money is my main problem. Customs officers have broken into my apartment last autumn, telling me about the 25.000€ debt I had with my health insurance. This sum has probably more than doubled since then. To make things even worse, I didn't manage to get out of the private health insurance I was in for most for my life (because my mother was a teacher) . So I don't even want to think about the debt I'm in with THEM. Plus all my subscriptions, gas, electricity etc... I didn't pay ANYTHING since my breakdown in December 2019. Ignored all the yellow letters. Even If I magically somehow got me effective help for my mental problems, what use would it have? I'm in very deep shit. I guess I don't have a bank account anymore. I wouldn't find a new place to live, wouldn't find a new job, even if I wanted to. Maybe even jail time is looming... Death seems like the only acceptable way out of this mess.
Oh, and for my parents, my mother is a very bad type of BPD. I think she loves the power she has over me, owning the house I live in. She's 70 now but I'm still scared of her rages. She makes me feel like I'm 5 again, awaiting some beating for nothing. I honestly have no idea how she would react if she knew the truth, only that it would seriously add to all the trauma I have already endured.
And the house, it's not just any house btw.
My grandmother grew up in here, my mother grew up in here, my grandmother's parents died in here and last year, my grandmother died in here, aged 97. It's a house full of memories. I am emotionally attached to this house and of course especially my apartment. Been living here for 20 years.
My boyfriend is the only person in my life whom I really trust. He knows what I'm going through, has offered me help, but I declined. He was almost exactly in my situation 10 years ago, then he sold the apartment he inherited by his mother and payed off his debts. But my situation is worse.
Recovery would require me to jump through sooo many hoops, I don't want that. I don't ever want to talk to a fucking psychiatrist/the rapist again, ever. I don't want to talk to fucking social workers or anything. I don't want to appear in court. I don't want to file for bankruptcy. I don't even want to be a part of this fucking society anymore. I'm done, I just want to leave. I WANT PEACE. Just procrastinating...
