God made me into a mockery

[Whitewash11235814]

It's all good tho. He'll have to explain.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Hey if you need someone to talk to I'm here

I won't judge you but why do you feel the need to ctb?

 

[Iloveyouall]

It's all good tho. He'll have to explain.

What kind of explanation you think he's going to give you ?

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey Love. If u do believe in God, I'm curious as to y u think he made u into a mockery..?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Hey Love. If u do believe in God, I'm curious as to y u think he made u into a mockery..?

Only God knows.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Only God knows.

 

[Iloveyouall]

What do you mean by mockery ? You feel like you're a parody of something ? Or is it your environment, your suroundings that mocks you ?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

What do you mean by mockery ? You feel like you're a parody of something ? Or is it your environment, your suroundings that mocks you ?

Yeah. I'm a big joke, like an advertisement... my life is an open book.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Yeah. I'm a big joke, like an advertisement... my life is an open book.

An advertisement for what ? What kind of product or service do you feel you might be selling ?

 

[Brink]

Yeah. I'm a big joke, like an advertisement... my life is an open book.

Can relate to this. Although it might not be God. Do you feel it's justified or completely unfair or a bit of both?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Can relate to this. Although it might not be God. Do you feel it's justified or completely unfair or a bit of both?

What's justified ? Lol. I'm living in a horror film.

 

[Painless_end]

There is no God. I also think like you at times.

Basically, God means Nature. Yes nature is to "blame" for producing weak people like me. But so many living creatures live and die in nature each day. They die of natural causes or unnatural ones.

We can only either try to survive or finally make the decision not to. Choice is ours.

 

[Iloveyouall]

What's justified ? Lol. I'm living in a horror film.

Can you be more specific about what you're going through ? Do you have at least one person IRL who you can talk about what you are experiencing ?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Can you be more specific about what you're going through ? Do you have at least one person IRL who you can talk about what you are experiencing ?

No. Most people think I'm crazy If I open up. Sorry.

Can you be more specific about what you're going through ? Do you have at least one person IRL who you can talk about what you are experiencing ?

It's like a kid who wakes up to a nightmare and then everyone acts as if it never happened. Lol
A good horror book right here

 

[Iloveyouall]

No. Most people think I'm crazy If I open up. Sorry.

It's like a kid who wakes up to a nightmare and then everyone acts as if it never happened. Lol
A good horror book right here

Have you tried to write it ? Like in a private diary or something ? Having a place where it's your own safe universe, where no one else but you could judge it or hear about it ?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Have you tried to write it ? Like in a private diary or something ? Having a place where it's your own safe universe, where no one else but you could judge it or hear about it ?

There's no privacy. My privacy has been robbed in every way conceivable.
If I make it out alive, I'm sure to write a book about it.

 

[Iloveyouall]

There's no privacy. My privacy has been robbed in every way conceivable.
If I make it out alive, I'm sure to write a book about it.

I'd love to read it.
When you say making it out alive, is it because you consider suicide or because your life is somewhat in danger because of other people ?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

I'd love to read it.
When you say making it out alive, is it because you consider suicide or because your life is somewhat in danger because of other people ?

Im not in danger at all. I just wanna end this madness.

 

[k75]

If you can't bring yourself to talk to us or anyone, maybe you can write it in a journal app or something? You say you have no privacy, but you are free to post here, so that's almost the same thing. Just getting the feelings out of your head might help a lot.

 

[Iloveyouall]

No. Most people think I'm crazy If I open up. Sorry.

Would people think you are crazy because, to most of them, the reasons you want to ctb would seem ridiculous ? Like people wouldn't understand ? Is it something like that ?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

If you can't bring yourself to talk to us or anyone, maybe you can write it in a journal app or something? You say you have no privacy, but you are free to post here, so that's almost the same thing. Just getting the feelings out of your head might help a lot.

Yeah. Well, my life is like a commercial. It's free to view at zero cost. I've been thru years of suffering while other people watched, maybe some in delight, too. It's a horrible feeling knowing the entire world left you behind as a joke. My thoughts and even pictures in my thoughts can be read by strangers. How crazy is that? Talk about zero privacy, eh? On top of that, I'm uncomfortable to even take a shower. That's how insane it is! I struggle controlling my thoughts at times, too. People saw me struggle, and they did absolutely nothing to stop it.
This is just bits and pieces.
People can just view my life as if it were their own.

 

[k75]

That is definitely an awful way to have to feel and live. I'm sorry. Do you have any support at all? Are you on any medications?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

That is definitely an awful way to have to feel and live. I'm sorry. Do you have any support at all? Are you on any medications?

Im on meds and I have no support that understands me. It's against the "law" to understand me.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Im on meds and I have no support that understands me. It's against the "law" to understand me.

Fuck the law, I want to try anyway.

 

[k75]

If you don't mind my asking, how is it against the law?

 

[HighwayToHell]

Yeah. Well, my life is like a commercial. It's free to view at zero cost. I've been thru years of suffering while other people watched, maybe some in delight, too. It's a horrible feeling knowing the entire world left you behind as a joke. My thoughts and even pictures in my thoughts can be read by strangers. How crazy is that? Talk about zero privacy, eh? On top of that, I'm uncomfortable to even take a shower. That's how insane it is! I struggle controlling my thoughts at times, too. People saw me struggle, and they did absolutely nothing to stop it.
This is just bits and pieces.
People can just view my life as if it were their own.

Sounds exactly like what I'm going through.
Feel free to DM if youre comfortable.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Fuck the law, I want to try anyway.

I've been hospitalized 10 times for suicidal ideation and I'm only 20.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I've been hospitalized 10 times for suicidal ideation and I'm only 20.

So you kinda grew up in a psych ward ? At what age did you have your first SI ?

 

[Whitewash11235814]

So you kinda grew up in a psych ward ? At what age did you have your first SI ?

16 was my first time. Kinda hahaha.
I've struggled long before then tho.
I was bullied at school and at home. I dropped out cuz of the INSANE anxiety attacks
Got my GED at 17

 

[Iloveyouall]

16 was my first time. Kinda hahaha.
I've struggled long before then tho.
I was bullied at school and at home. I dropped out cuz of the INSANE anxiety attacks
Got my GED at 17

Where do you live now ? Are you in a safe place? I mean not in the home you got bullied.