glimmer of hope gone, I can go now

[Iwantoutrightnow]

That tiny speck of hope that your SI gives you saying -' wait, what if it could get better' well that speck has well and truly disappeared. Thanks to a visit from my old psychiatrist am an no longer under the illusion that there is hope, that there is help for me, or that my death would be any loss to the world. The world wants me in it as much as I want me in it. My body's SI will still be there but the glimmer of hope will not hold me back.

Full hanging is what is immediately available to me. I have struggled with having the courage to kick the chair away but I think it will be easier now. It's not my preferred method though and I have been thinking about drowning. I walked to a river the other night It was 2am and I sat there until 6am, not a single person walked by.The only trouble with drowning for me is that I can swim. If i took a load of medication with sedative effects and alcohol and weighed myself down would this be enough. SI would kick in for sure but would the meds/alcohol be enough to overcome it? I'm still holding on a bit to a way I want to die but maybe it doesn't matter how so long as I just do it and don't fail.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're suffering. Reading my old friend @Superfluous's account may be helpful to you:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/drowning-my-method.17545/#post-332956

Please be careful and be good to yourself, even on the way out x

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I think the fact that I can swim will be a big problem for success in drowning.

@Soul thanks, I have read that thread but I'm unsure as to what happened to make him swim back to shore, was it SI?

I was thinking that I could fill a backpack with bricks but there's the danger that SI would force me to take it off. I could try and if I fail I've still got hanging but the trouble with failed drowning is the risk of brain damage.

Life has been a continuous painful struggle, why should death be any different?

I'd like to give drowning a go, have something go right for me for a change, but life has shown me that things don't go right for me so I guess I'll be hanging soon

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I am so sorry it has resulted to this. :( May you be at peace

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I've opened a bottle of my favourite wine, I was saving it for a special occasion and seeing as this will be my last occasion I guess it's special. I'm thinking about ordering a takeaway, I haven't eaten for a few days which should mean less mess for the person who finds me but I won't be here to witness their disgust so maybe I can treat myself one last time.

I really would like to give drowning a try but I would have to buy some bricks and I think my backpack is too small for the amount I'd need anyway. I love the water, always found peace sitting at the beach or the river. It's just a sign that don't deserve peace and ctb by a method I don't really want to do will be my final mortal suffering - appropriate really

 

[Soul]

@Soul thanks, I have read that thread but I'm unsure as to what happened to make him swim back to shore, was it SI?

It seems to me he felt that without the drugs he'd hoped would knock him out that he wouldn't be able to overcome his SI. It's not easy. x

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

It has to be tonight so hanging it will be. I'll be spending my last hours bagging up my stuff so that no one has to do it when I'm gone. I plan to go around midnight BST. Thanks to all who have given me support. I hope you all find peace, however that my come

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I'm so sorry it's come to this. I know the feeling of SI taking over the brain. It's not easy to face. I hope you enjoy that takeaway. You'll be missed.

If you decide not to go, that's okay. You don't have to.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Thanks. Been wittering on about if tor too long, that tiny glimmer of hope pushing me through each day. It's gone though. It's going to hurt and be stressful I know, I can't blackout I just crush my windpipe regardless of where the rope is. Minutes of panic and struggling are nothing compared years of this living nightmare

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Thanks. Been wittering on about if tor too long, that tiny glimmer of hope pushing me through each day. It's gone though. It's going to hurt and be stressful I know, I can't blackout I just crush my windpipe regardless of where the rope is. Minutes of panic and struggling are nothing compared years of this living nightmare

I'm so sorry. Really.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Just written my delayed email. I suppose it's one positive thing that came out of the craziness of the last few days - I got an email from a mental health worker. I didn't want to email a family member 1. because I didn't want to upset them and 2. I haven't spoken to any of them for months so there's a high chance it would have just been ignored. There's no guarantee that this guy will read it I suppose but if he does I feel it's better than someone I care about. Feels a bit selfish though, I've never met the guy and I'm emailing him to tell him I've ctb- not nice.

In the first draft I talked about the shambles that the mental health system is and how it fails to treat people as human beings. But I deleted it because it will fall on deaf ears and will just fuel their low opinion of me. The psychiatrist who saw me today said 'sometimes we have to accept that some people can't be helped and that is where we are with you.' If they hold that opinion why isn't euthanasia legal? We can't help you so you have to suffer alone and in silence - where's the humanity?

 

[thereandgone]

The psychiatrist who saw me today said 'sometimes we have to accept that some people can't be helped and that is where we are with you.' If they hold that opinion why isn't euthanasia legal? We can't help you so you have to suffer alone and in silence

That's a great point and it just proves that they are self-declared experts in it for the money. They drag you along for the ride and when it comes to the one last thing that could truly help you--they turn their backs on you.

Be at peace, whatever may come.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm so sorry your psychiatrist said that to you. They're an ass. I hope you didn't believe them, but I know it's hard not to when, "they're the experts"...

Mine blamed me for a sexual assault that happened from another doctor. Not only did he blame me but then insulted my intelligence for it happening in the first place. It's people like them that give mental health workers a bad name, and you deserved better. We all deserve better.

If you decide to ctb, I'll miss you. Thank you for talking with me when I needed someone ♡ you're a lovely person and I'm glad I got to get to know you. Xx

 

[Sinai Silence]

I am sorry to hear that the system and people whose job it is to support their patients just dropped a bombshell on you like that. F*ck them it goes to show how heartless people can really be when push comes to shove. I hope you send a huge F*CK YOU to that so called psychiatrist before you ctb, if you decide to. Whatever your choice is I hope you don't have to suffer any longer.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I phoned my brother this afternoon, not to talk to him I just wanted to hear his voice one last time. I withheld my number so he didn't know it was me. He said hello twice then I hung up, it was quite comforting to hear his voice, I haven't spoken to him in over a year. I'd quite like to hear my aunt's voice one last time but it's too late now and I'm not sure it would be a comfort anyway, I think it would hurt and increase my feelings of guilt, I wish I could tell them I love them but it has to be this way for their sakes.

Sitting surrounded by bin bags of clothes and books, it's pretty pathetic that my life can be reduced to just a few bin bags. My set up is there waiting for me. I don't feel anxious like I have previous weeks, but I don't feel calm and peaceful either.

I wish my death could speak of the inadequacy of the mental health system and create change for the better but I'll just be a statistic.

 

[Sinai Silence]

That is the sad truth about life unfortunately, being in an empty room with your life in your bags is depressing too. I felt so high on adrenaline with my last attempt in an empty room from uni, I don't blame you for not feeling calm about it.

If you find the courage to, you should call your brother and auntie. Even if you just talk for a catch up it might provide the comfort you look for before you go. What have you got to lose if you're gonna ctb right?

Choice is yours though friend, I'm sorry its come to this for you. Wishing you the best

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I think it's a general unwritten law in the UK that you only call people after 9pm if there's been a horrendous accident or tragedy, that's my experience anyway. With my brother It was enough to hear him say hello. With my aunt I think there's a danger I would cry if I spoke to her and it;s better for her that I don't, if I spoke to her and then ctb would she then be left with the thought 'I only spoke to her last night'- I'm alone that's how it should be.

I keep having thoughts like ' I don't live in a tin hut with no access to clean water in a third world country so I have no right to ctb, it could be worse' and it's true, things could be worse in so many ways but there's no hope that things are going to get better. I'm fighting a war with my own brain that I can never win, I surrender.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I'm not sure if that rule applies to family members if you want to call and don't want to do it tonight you can always wait till tomorrow. Otherwise maybe writing letters for them may be better, its clear you care a lot about them. I can't say it won't hurt them but they will be more at peace knowing they were in your thoughts and that you loved them.

Its true that there are always gonna people who are worse off than you and me but its not fair to say you don't have any right to ctb. Everyone has their tolerance to suffering, if you feel you've reached your breaking point don't let anyone shame you for it. It's your body, your choice. It does feel like a war of attrition, you've fought hard by being here for this long. It takes a lot of strength to fight the demons in your head

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I have written a note for my aunt, I wrote it weeks ago. I tell her there's nothing she could have done, I don't think she will blame herself as I'm quite sure she will just be angry with me for being selfish but I just want it in black and white that there's nothing she could have done. I also tell her that I love her and all my family and I'm sorry for all the harm I've caused.

Everything is done now, I'm going to have a shower and another glass of wine, take a few quetiapine and then i'm ready. Thanks for keeping me company tonight and over the last year, you have all been such a comfort in a cold, dark world. Take care.

 

[Sinai Silence]

That's good to hear, I'm sure no matter how hurt she will feel she still loves you wholeheartedly.

Have a nice shower and wine.

Safe journey my friend, I'll be sure to have a drink in your memory

 

[thereandgone]

Does anyone know of any updates on this?

 

[Isadeth]

I wish I knew.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I hope they are at peace