Venting giving up

[brokenwaves]

this is the only place i have to just vent about all this. i'm going to ctb in about a month, i'm 100% sure.

there is no hope for me when it comes to my mental illnesses, and as for life i am beyond tired of trying now. i have gone through several lifetimes worth of trauma and i'm only 23, i'm tired of feeling batshit crazy every day. as time goes on i'm losing more and more of myself and at this stage all that is left is an empty shell. i don't know who i am anymore beyond the pain i carry with me, and i don't want to become bitter and lose the little left of my love for the world.

i don't see my suicide as an act of hatred for myself, but an act of mercy. which i don't think anybody in my life will understand, but it is to me. i've tried, every day i made it out of bed was trying - i've done therapy, medication, fucking chakra healing, anything you could think of. i'm tired of hearing it'll get better and to have hope, the little hope i once had disappeared a long long time ago.

i've struggled with depression from 8 years old, suicidal thoughts began not long after, self harming since 14, ctb attempts from 17 onwards. my whole childhood and adolescence was filled with abuse, my adult life has just been a kick in the face as well. i also have borderline personality disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic disorder, PTSD, OCD tendencies, who knows what else. there isn't a single day in my life i can remember that i did not struggle with at least one part of mental illness; good or bad times, i am burdened with them constantly.

i don't have many options available to ctb, can't do it in the house so has to be outdoors. either full suspension from a tree or jumping from a cliff that is accessible to me via public transport. i'm pretty decided on cliff, regardless of the risk (the cliff is 45metres which may lead to risk of survival, but it's my best and preferred option). the reason i don't want to go with suspension outdoors is because i don't drive, i would have to do it near where i live which is not a good choice as i live in a very small village, so basically eyes on you at all times, and wandering off into a farmer's field at any time of day or night will have the police called on you 9 times out of 10. also my family lives here, i'd rather they don't have to be the family whose sibling died in a field next to the village. so yeah maybe my method has risk, but so does everything, and it's the best i have available to me. and for me, the risk is worth it - i've lost the ability to care, or even try think of a different plan.

anyway thanks to anybody who reads this, and everybody who has offered me support during my time on here. having this place to come and vent, talk about this kinds of stuff openly, and hear other's experiences has helped immensely. i'm going to stick around here until the end, but just wanted to vent about my decisions as my time nears its end

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be so cruel and exhausting. We can try to get better but sometimes nothing helps - I get that, it is a hopeless feeling. Sometimes we just want the pain yo end. It is hard to take our lives too, the fear of failing or being caught by someone is a problem for me. We all deserve a peaceful way out if we want one. If this is the option you want then I wish you peace.

 

[noname223]

I am sorry that you feel that way. Living with multiple chronical illnesses can be nightmarish. It basically tortours you. I can relate.

 

[brokenwaves]

This life can be so cruel and exhausting. We can try to get better but sometimes nothing helps - I get that, it is a hopeless feeling. Sometimes we just want the pain yo end. It is hard to take our lives too, the fear of failing or being caught by someone is a problem for me. We all deserve a peaceful way out if we want one. If this is the option you want then I wish you peace.

thank you, i wish things could be different, for everybody here..none of us deserve to suffer like this. this is the hardest decision, one i have thought about and struggled with for years and years. but i'm just so tired of fighting, life should not be this hard

 

[motel rooms]

I know that Jesus can sometimes heal you

Sure, Jesus will snap his fingers & heal OP's multiple mental illnesses...

 

[brokenwaves]

Hi, I'm sorry about your suffering. I've been going through a lot myself. I know that Jesus can sometimes heal you or take the pain away. Maybe you can pray to Him and just see if He answers

honey sorry to tell you this but i was raised catholic, my entire childhood was spent praying. he's had a lot of time to answer lmaooo

 

[motel rooms]

honey sorry to tell you this but i was raised catholic, my entire childhood was spent praying. he's had a lot of time to answer lmaooo

I hope @rhow90 doesn't suggest that you try praying to one of the Protestant Jesuses...

 

[Dear Agony]

I'm surprised by how similar our stories are... I'm 19, supposed to be 20 in a few months but I don't think I'll make it until then. I had a traumatic childhood, bullying and abuse, started self harming at 9 years old and had to drop out of school at 15 because of how paralyzed I became by my illnesses.
I am diagnosed with very similar illnesses, borderline personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder (with schizoid traits, my psychiatrist is not even sure lol). OCD, depression, panic disorder, agoraphobia and to top it off, an eating disorder.
I spent a lot of times hoping things would get better but I've reached a critical point; planning to CTB soon as well. I'm almost sure I'm going for full suspension since that is the only method available along with jumping, and jumping is a no for me because I don't want to traumatize strangers. I live in a populated area.
Having that said, I plan on going to a forest since at home isn't really an option. Will just walk as much as I can to an area that would be really hard for anyone to reach or save me. The last thing I want is to become a vegetable tbh... life is already hell as it is. Just want to be free from my illnesses once and for all.