I'm there too. Well, been there for years. 90% of my life shut in a room as only way to handle, nothing to distract, having the same thoughts over and over, only able to read suicide related forums and ruminate about methods. That and other ruminating and compulsive thoughts about me pretty much got my attention span always hooked on that and fucked my ability to focus on anything else. Did nothing, had so many options for help that didn't help one bit, suffering from severe personality issues, obviously a rough childhood but heard of 'worse' - though it doesn't matter, it's the material that is at hand that matters - throw glass on wall it breaks. Some like me were born too fragile, unfit for adversities, some were born strong diamonds.
I might've been a caring sensitive person that could've helped others had i developed to have more compassion and love for myself. Sadly that sensitivity developed to a sick mind, unfit to take reality and not analyze it in painful crushing conclusions. Obsessing suicide from age 13, started looking at the actual dangers of my father's list of psych meds, and shortly after my own. Before that from early age being so lost and developing sick perspective to deal with feeling so flawed and worthless.
Anyway. Failed attempt last July. Always had in mind that arrogance "i will never have a second attempt, it'll end with one fully prepared and planned". Actually had powdered N, followed all PPH protocol and had a two night in motel. Think i'm the only person maybe to fail this certain full proof method, should've been smarter to know my extreme gag reflex (can't hold any liqur really, bitterness makes me gag and vomit instantly, brushing teeth often creates the reflex) would be too much of a risk.72 hours unconscious (actually had the hotel forget check me out and give me 24 more hours chance to die, but sad luck). I guess i was lucky not to be found between breathing stops and final death, but it made another attempt so much more stressful.
Having my rope as my 'hope' now for exit, but need to overcome that SI, not so much instinct for me but that rush of 'don't do it'/guilt thoughts of ruining some family members lives. Funny the one who is responsible easily forgets and is completely unaware of his destructive, though unintentional abuse. It's only way out, i'm completely hopeless and can only focus on escaping this nightmare train going forward to scary destinies, while knowing i'm dealing with actual nothing compared to others, but my mind as a cruel enemy.
TLDR: no hope here either. Given up but am the least impulsive person, so just doing it is faced with so many fucking worries and thoughts.
