Venting Girl troubles

[ThunderBringer]

I've been depressed and suicidal since I was in elementary school. Nothing has helped me with my mental health. Then I got a girlfriend, I gave her everything and she encouraged me to actually try therapy and medication. Her and I dated for 5 years and I was planning to marry her. I put so much time, effort, and money into that relationship. It didn't fix my life and I was still severely depressed, but she was enough for me. I loved her as much as I could. She broke up with me last November, a few days before my birthday at that. We're still best friends now and she said she wants to try dating someone else so that she knows I'm the one for her (I was her first boyfriend). My heart aches whenever she texts me. I gave that girl literally all I had and more. I spent money on her when I couldn't afford food or rent. I was a damn good boyfriend according to her. She said she would want to get back together with me a few years from now but man I simply don't think I'll be around. The idea of marriage with her was simply a safe option in my head if I'm honest. That wonderful relationship was nothing but a bandaid over my rapidly deteriorating mental health. I'm in another relationship now, so is my ex. We're still best friends and I'm supposed to be happy but holy fuck I simply cannot do this. I never in a million years ever have ever had girl troubles up until this point. This plus my screwed up head makes me want to end it. At least before I had the love of my life to come back home to every day. I admit it was a mistake to immediately jump into another relationship but it is what it is. I guess I'll just keep coasting by until I can get my affairs in order so I can ctb and call it a fucking day