Im in my early 20s now but Ive been suicidal since I was around 15. My childhood was in general pretty good (we had some money problems and I have a psychopathic stepmother but I didn't see her frequently) but most of my family is lovely and I live in a nice home. I just hate being alive. I have borderline ASD and ADD which were only diagnosed later in my life and I find it hard to concentrate on things other than 'what I want to do'. Im currently a few years into a degree im doing part-time due to my mental health and every bit of studying triggers vicious suicidal feelings. I was always a smart kid in school and I'm very bright, I pick things up easily but I cant control my sleep, I cant study, I cant work. To add to this I have a terrible fear of being poor which i think stems from my money issues as a child. I dont want to live in a tiny house, I dont want to be forced to choose between food or heating or be unable to buy things.
When I was 17 i tried to take my own life. It was a bloody good plan, a lot of prescription sleeping pills that were kept in the house, I took 1000s of mg of them and passed out. But I didnt go through the plan properly and took them in my mums room instead of out by myself in the local woods so I was found when my mum came home from work. They rushed me to the hospital and after being in a coma for a few days I began to recover, I was sectioned and thats when I got my ASD diagnosis. I have never regretted the attempt, I've never been grateful that I was 'saved', it just taught me not to be too honest with mental health services in case I get sectioned again (a horrible experience).
Over the years Ive had help from schools, therapy, I've never taken drugs or medication due to fear of the side effects, but I have not had any success. If anything i only get worse. All i want to do is play games and sew but I cant sit in my room and do that forever, its incredibly hard to get me to do anything else and often results in my breaking down. I am constantly what I refer to as 'passively suicidal' where I would take a pill that someone gave to me if i knew it was going to peacefully kill me. I have no fear of death. But when I break down I reach a point where im desperately suicidal where I would do anything to die, but I'm still afraid of pain and the possibility of permanent disablement. The feeling if hating your entire existence and wanting to rip yourself out of reality is such a terrible, horrible, painful feeling and i would give up everything never to have to experience it again. Im always anxious, my brain never shuts up, I know I will never reach my true potential and I will never be the person I want to be.
You cant talk to people about these feelings as they simply dont understand. Once my mum told me she watched my grandmother die of cancer and if she could she would have helped her die sooner so she did not have to feel that pain. She doesnt understand that I am also in pain and I'm only here because she rang an ambulance when I was 17, why do people disregard my feelings? Don't get me wrong, I love my mum and I dont want to hurt her but I felt so alone. People want me to be here for them, so they dont get hurt and they dont take into account how I feel. They have never felt how I feel, they dont understand how bad it is. I guess thats why I'm posting this here, I'm just desperate for someone to validate what I feel and understand it.
I remember the feeling of knowing I was going to die, it was so peaceful. I didnt have to worry anymore because everything was going to stop and I was going to be free. I'm so desperate for a way to get out without pain or disabling myself. I want to be free
When I was 17 i tried to take my own life. It was a bloody good plan, a lot of prescription sleeping pills that were kept in the house, I took 1000s of mg of them and passed out. But I didnt go through the plan properly and took them in my mums room instead of out by myself in the local woods so I was found when my mum came home from work. They rushed me to the hospital and after being in a coma for a few days I began to recover, I was sectioned and thats when I got my ASD diagnosis. I have never regretted the attempt, I've never been grateful that I was 'saved', it just taught me not to be too honest with mental health services in case I get sectioned again (a horrible experience).
Over the years Ive had help from schools, therapy, I've never taken drugs or medication due to fear of the side effects, but I have not had any success. If anything i only get worse. All i want to do is play games and sew but I cant sit in my room and do that forever, its incredibly hard to get me to do anything else and often results in my breaking down. I am constantly what I refer to as 'passively suicidal' where I would take a pill that someone gave to me if i knew it was going to peacefully kill me. I have no fear of death. But when I break down I reach a point where im desperately suicidal where I would do anything to die, but I'm still afraid of pain and the possibility of permanent disablement. The feeling if hating your entire existence and wanting to rip yourself out of reality is such a terrible, horrible, painful feeling and i would give up everything never to have to experience it again. Im always anxious, my brain never shuts up, I know I will never reach my true potential and I will never be the person I want to be.
You cant talk to people about these feelings as they simply dont understand. Once my mum told me she watched my grandmother die of cancer and if she could she would have helped her die sooner so she did not have to feel that pain. She doesnt understand that I am also in pain and I'm only here because she rang an ambulance when I was 17, why do people disregard my feelings? Don't get me wrong, I love my mum and I dont want to hurt her but I felt so alone. People want me to be here for them, so they dont get hurt and they dont take into account how I feel. They have never felt how I feel, they dont understand how bad it is. I guess thats why I'm posting this here, I'm just desperate for someone to validate what I feel and understand it.
I remember the feeling of knowing I was going to die, it was so peaceful. I didnt have to worry anymore because everything was going to stop and I was going to be free. I'm so desperate for a way to get out without pain or disabling myself. I want to be free
