Getting Ready for SN soon

[lili]

Hi everyone,

I just took two ibuprofens and have been fasting for 8 hours plus the no drinking water. Just now drank water for the ibuprofen.

I will then take the antacid half an hour before and drink the SN.

I've written a note for the people that need to see it. As well as to sort things out, and for the people who will care about me leaving. What I have done is to write the password of my computer and the note is in my desktop. That way if my attempt is unsuccessful, people will not immediately see the note.

I am wondering, should I in my friends whats app chat just write something positive, I feel strange not leaving without a hint. I wouldn't want for me to go without them feeling nothing, but then I don't want them to feel suspect. Was. thinking about just sending something positive but not feeling like a goodbye.

As for my brother, its sad I won't be able to tell him anything because he will know. I have left my message for him in my note. And for my ex boyfriend as well.

I feel very nervous, and really sad that this is how I have to end things, alone. I'm scared of the pain and the vomiting of SN. I don't have any of the other medications required. Just the antacid and the ibuprofen, so I'll see how it goes.

It's sad I couldn't tell anyone about my problems, it's sad that there is no future for me with my mental illness and all the trials I've had. It feels sad that I am so inept at adulthood and feel so trapped.

But I am tired of life and what awaits. While I had things to look forward to such as my writings and other projects, I think it always ends up being the same.

Thank you all for guiding me with this and giving me the choice to choose not to go through life's experiences. I am just very weak and susceptible mentally because of the trauma of my past and my emotional disregulation. It doesn't help that I deeply hate myself.

I will stick around here for a bit longer, and I will write a final message before I drink the SN. So that I can delete my history and log off and not hinder this website any further nor people who spoke with me.

I alos plan on posting a note on my door hinting to knock before coming in and maybe cover myself with a cloth so people don't have to see my body if they walk in?


Thanks all.

 

[bad luck]

Safe travels. Rest in peace. See you soon.

 

[sealbabies]

I'm sorry it has become like this for you, but yes, your choice.
The cloth might mitigate some of the shock and trauma others will have once finding you.
Best wishes

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Lost Magic]

You've already done the hard part. The angels will do the rest. Safe journey!

 

[LostAllHope88]

Hey I'm here for you if you wanna chat, I plan on exiting tomorrow so I can imagine we're in a similar place. Whatever happens I wish you nothing but the best!!

 

[lili]

Hi everyone.

I am about to log off now thank you for all of your messages. Really appreciate this website. I will clear my browser history and log off. I wish the best for everyone here. I have been moved by everyone's stories and its nice to get some level of support for the end.

<3
If I come back in a few hours or tomorrow, it means I failed which would be very embarrassing and shameful. If I don't log in the next couple of days, it was successful. Take care.

 

[sharky]

good luck and I hope you find peace

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Hi everyone.

I am about to log off now thank you for all of your messages. Really appreciate this website. I will clear my browser history and log off. I wish the best for everyone here. I have been moved by everyone's stories and its nice to get some level of support for the end.

<3
If I come back in a few hours or tomorrow, it means I failed which would be very embarrassing and shameful. If I don't log in the next couple of days, it was successful. Take care.

I'm so sorry that things happened to you like that. I hope you find peace

 

[houseofleaves]

Hi everyone.

I am about to log off now thank you for all of your messages. Really appreciate this website. I will clear my browser history and log off. I wish the best for everyone here. I have been moved by everyone's stories and its nice to get some level of support for the end.

<3
If I come back in a few hours or tomorrow, it means I failed which would be very embarrassing and shameful. If I don't log in the next couple of days, it was successful. Take care.

We love you and support you in whatever happens. I wish you peace.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

There's no shame in failing. But I wish you peace, whatever happens.

 

[lili]

Hey everyone unfortunately it failed. I feel really embarrassed. When I was right about to drink it, the SI kicked in really hard. I should have taken some benzos. I guess I was freaking out about throwing up or the pain. Could not stop thinking about my body turning blue.

I felt really angry at myself, it's the first time I can't go through an attempt. I usually just go for it without thinking. I think my friends comment from yesterday saying that people who don't say anything are psychopaths freaked me out making me think that everyone will know that I'm that. The nervousness of being found and going to the hospital. I think because I felt really nervous that I didn't have the rest of the medications and it was going to be painful or not work.

I felt really stupid, like a coward and a weakling. Sorry for wasting your time with this. Maybe I need to find a different method that doesn't entail me overthinking the pain and I can really assure myself that it will be peaceful. Maybe the right method is N if I could even get ahold of that.

I don't know I feel ridiculous. My bad for misleading you all with this. I feel maybe I need to get some tranquilizers too.

 

[Chiisai]

Hi everyone.

I am about to log off now thank you for all of your messages. Really appreciate this website. I will clear my browser history and log off. I wish the best for everyone here. I have been moved by everyone's stories and its nice to get some level of support for the end.

<3
If I come back in a few hours or tomorrow, it means I failed which would be very embarrassing and shameful. If I don't log in the next couple of days, it was successful. Take care.

Its alright. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are brave for even trying to face death. It might just simply mean its not your time yet. Who knows? It might be your 2nd chance. Whatever it is, just take a rest for now. The ordeal must have been very stressful. You deserve to relax for a while.

 

[Ednospatient]

Hey everyone unfortunately it failed. I feel really embarrassed. When I was right about to drink it, the SI kicked in really hard. I should have taken some benzos. I guess I was freaking out about throwing up or the pain. Could not stop thinking about my body turning blue.

I felt really angry at myself, it's the first time I can't go through an attempt. I usually just go for it without thinking. I think my friends comment from yesterday saying that people who don't say anything are psychopaths freaked me out making me think that everyone will know that I'm that. The nervousness of being found and going to the hospital. I think because I felt really nervous that I didn't have the rest of the medications and it was going to be painful or not work.

I felt really stupid, like a coward and a weakling. Sorry for wasting your time with this. Maybe I need to find a different method that doesn't entail me overthinking the pain and I can really assure myself that it will be peaceful. Maybe the right method is N if I could even get ahold of that.

I don't know I feel ridiculous. My bad for misleading you all with this. I feel maybe I need to get some tranquilizers too.

Try drinking the SN with a straw and maybe mix it with something other than water? (nothing carbonated though)

 

[sealbabies]

If you're not ready that's okay. No one else choses this for you and SI is a very hard thing to deal with.
You were planning to do it, you didn't mislead us. If you try again we wish you the best for that option, same goes for if you find something other than ctb.
Just want you to not suffer and find whatever peace it is you need.

 

[LeapOfFaith]

Hey everyone unfortunately it failed. I feel really embarrassed. When I was right about to drink it, the SI kicked in really hard. I should have taken some benzos. I guess I was freaking out about throwing up or the pain. Could not stop thinking about my body turning blue.

I felt really angry at myself, it's the first time I can't go through an attempt. I usually just go for it without thinking. I think my friends comment from yesterday saying that people who don't say anything are psychopaths freaked me out making me think that everyone will know that I'm that. The nervousness of being found and going to the hospital. I think because I felt really nervous that I didn't have the rest of the medications and it was going to be painful or not work.

I felt really stupid, like a coward and a weakling. Sorry for wasting your time with this. Maybe I need to find a different method that doesn't entail me overthinking the pain and I can really assure myself that it will be peaceful. Maybe the right method is N if I could even get ahold of that.

I don't know I feel ridiculous. My bad for misleading you all with this. I feel maybe I need to get some tranquilizers too.

Never apologize for such a thing. I know how hard it's to not be able to go through with it. It's your decision all the way no matter what you have posted on a forum. It's your life we are talking about here, it's a huge decision. I think you are a brave person. You do not need to do anything that you aren't totally ready for.

The time after a failed attempt is always really though and hard. But I want you to know that no sane person on this forum blames you for not going through with it. We are here for you Lilipaili. Never hesitate to make a thread or send a message if you want to talk to someone

I would like to give you a hug

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

You don't have to apologize for anything and there's no reason to feel embarrassed. Maybe it just wasn't your time. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe you can use this time to really reflect on things. I wish you the best. My PM box is always open as you know :)

 

[y0dha]

You clearly don't have to apologize, it's your life after all, you have no obligations toward strangers like us.
SI must be really hard to overcome, give yourself some time before trying again or not trying :)

 

[lili]

Thanks it was a really painful moment. I've been fluctuating with regrets throughout.

I think for next time I'd have to think of it feeling more of a peaceful passing or under a more relaxed circumstance. Also for me the thorough planning doesn't work I usually have to be in a very negative headspace.

It really touched me all these messages and made me feel a lot better about myself. So I'm really thankful for the overall kindness of everyone after my failed attempt. It was a really intense moment when I couldn't go through it. Spent many hours crying on my bed after. Deeply loathing myself. So really appreciate all of your messages.

 

[Chiisai]

No worries mate.