Story Getting people to understand your decision to kill yourself.

[Livingvsdying25]

(Questions at the end of the post so jus skip to the end if ya don't wanna read the story.)

Originally posted a bit about this in the offtopic forum but posting here bc I think its an interesting topic to discuss /curious of other opinions. Plus im struggling with accepting my own suicidality so im curious.

(Plus I was gonna go back to sleep but now I need eat bc I'm kinda activated/nauseous)

My friend messaged me this morning saying something along the lines of " that she sint sure this will help but with healing/her experience was once she was really starting to heal mood & such got worse for a while and also like having certain issues like hyperthyroidism or hormonal stuff that I dunno about yet could be making things worse/the suicidality worse"

Which like really good points butttt... not where im at tbh. Yee those conditions could def be making my mood worse and I've talked about how healing makes things worse before better like this is talked about A LOT in CPTSD spaces.

I went on to say those points are valid but u can't exasperate something that isnt already there
I messaged my friend back and kinda felt like I was just rambling on with excuses.

I sent the post and some other reasonings but I felt like I was rambling.

I just want like her and anyone else to understand my decision isnt bc of depression or a lack of foresight. Its not bc Im thinking in one way or whatever.(not saying this is what she's saying) but it's the push to not be seen as just "mentally ill" dammit I wasn't really gonna leave a note bc everytime I get into it it turns into bitterness about my neglect... but... I may needa leave a note. I really wanted to leave one to clear up any like preconceived notions. Like it doesn't matter what people think when I die but it matters to me in general.

None of this is slander to my friend as ik its just her caring and I appreciate it. But it breaks my heart to be like "nope O just want to die" bc ik it hurts her and those that care about me... so...


In this life I wanted to do advocacy for suicidality so my note will be my dying wish within that.

That being said and all this to say....

In regards to feeling suicidal....
do you think someone needs to be in a state of mind that isn't "normal" or is it too diverse to even say?

Is it always mental illness or is it possible to be rational, still have hope/see a future?

Discuss below if ur so inclined

 

[Forever Sleep]

To be honest- I can't really say. I've had ideation since I was 10. So- all of my adult life and most of my life as a minor- I've had these thoughts. This IS my normal. So it's kind of hard for me to agree that these thoughts are invasive or come from having some kind of mental illness.

I guess at one point, I had a similar-ish discussion with someone at work. She clearly and openly suffered with depression and ideation. She said to me it wasn't 'my fault'. That it was an inbalance in my brain that was making me feel like this. Honestly- at the time- it felt like a relief. I was probably more up for 'recovery' back then but I suppose I felt like- great- if this is something that can be 'fixed'. If these thoughts aren't really 'mine' then- MAYBE there's a chance for me to live a different life.

Of course it's entirely different though. I mean it makes sense with other illnesses. If you catch the flu- you don't BECOME a virus. But with thoughts- I mean- maybe you can question and re-frame them to a degree but- why SHOULD you feel happy about your shitty life situation or (the likely) traumatic events that brought you to this point? Why AREN'T those thoughts your own and why aren't they a reasonable response?

Honestly- now I find it pretty insulting when people start banding about phrases like mental illness and competancy. I don't really like it insinuated that I have passively allowed for something to take a hold of my thinking and made me feel like this. If I'm honest- a lot of it has been choice. I choose to look at things negatively because experience has taught me that that's more realistic! Plus- I get less disappointed that way. Plus- I've made assessments on my life and how much i'm willing to change it to get what I want and will that 'best case scenario' even be that great? And it all just comes up short.

 

[SplitInfrastructure]

Its definetly too diverse, many people take their lives as a sign of power over an illness, including mental or physical health and not only, Im sure there are reasons that some people couldnt comprehend or even no reasons at all, there are also people with no mental health issues that decide to do it, Im pretty sure
Id say its mostly mental health, but the reason to die doesnt stay as flat as a single point on a list

Id say getting others to understand can never be as comforting as it may seem to be, many people dont understand how it feels to be ill mentally, in my opinion it ends up on experiences people went through and their ability to understand someone else, everyone will view suicide differently in the end, some people cant be convinced that someone may want to leave on their own accord or just may not want to stay and fight further

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that wanting to die is perfectly logical in this world, as after all suicide is the way to take control over our inevitable fate, freeing ourselves from all future problems and suffering, there's no point to existing and we are just waiting around to die anyway.

The idea that wanting to die is "irrational" is a lie spread by this anti-suicide society to try and deny people a right to die, wanting to die isn't an illness, it's just someone deciding to leave on their own terms which makes a lot of sense to me, especially as all that we are destined for is to decay from old age which repulses me. I think the true irrational thing is wishing to exist in this hellish world that is filled with endless potential for harm.

But I don't really think that there's much point trying to get other people to understand as most won't even try to, sadly too many people refuse to accept suicide as being a valid option, and also opening up about suicide could very easily make existing even worse.