Discussion Getting Over the Hump to CTB

[Ocelot93]

Hey there - thanks for reading. I'm new to this community, though I'm not new to the thoughts and feelings that brought me here. To administrators: my apologies if this post breaks any rules. Im the event that it's not up to snuff, I hope that it's simply removed and that my membership is left intact, as I'm desperate for a forum like this one, like so many of us surely are.

I'm happy to provide more information about my circumstances should anyone like to know (I've posted at length on Reddit over the past year, but have of course had to limit any mention of CTB). In short: I'm a 29 year-old male who formed and swiftly imploded a really wonderful relationship during the COVID pandemic. She and I met during a time when she was temporarily displaced by the pandemic and I had been furloughed. We had, in my opinion, a wonderful, rare connection, fell in love quickly, and moved to a new major market city together so that she could attend graduate school. I didn't cheat on her, abuse her physically, or commit any of the other "terrible" acts that you hear about: I was simply bad at being in a relationship, had some subconscious attachment issues I'd yet to learn, and let things get out of control. I needed more space than I was getting, never asked for that space out of irrational fear of hurting her feelings, and began to resent her as a result. I was great at keeping this inside, but that just caused resentment to build further. Finally, she found many, many texts messages where I'd been telling friends and family about how unhappy I was, how I'd made a terrible mistake, how annoyed I was by this woman, etc. It was a real betrayal, and in that moment it was like she'd never even known me at all. I had to move out of our apartment immediately, and the damage is irreversible.

A short time later, when the dust had settled and my nervous system settled down again, I woke up and said "What the hell just happened / WHY the hell did that happen?" I really, really loved that woman and couldn't comprehend why I'd done what I'd done. I don't have DID or any personality disorders to speak of, but a LOT of time spent with a good therapist + my own independent research has taught me a ton about attachment issues, IFS therapy and subconscious patterns in general. I've learned and grown immeasurably, if I can toot my own horn just a bit, and I know that I could be the person she thought I was now. But that is extremely, extremely unlikely.

If I haven't lost your interest yet, I'll cut to the chase: following that destructive split, I had to move in with my parents in a different city temporarily (or so I thought). The breakup occurred nearly 18 months ago, and I've been fairly certain that I'd CTB for most of that time. I've had loads of talk therapy and some trauma reduction programs, but I can't live with what's happened + the irreversible nature of it all. The shame, the grief. I've been a burden to my family during this time and, albeit less so, probably to friends as well. I purchased a 9mm some time ago and had it confiscated, then purchased another one recently. I've known for a long time that this is inevitable: I've talked and talked about it to no end, I've essentially ended my working relationship with my therapist, and my former partner hasn't reached out in nearly 6 months, and likely won't again. For some time, I've just been waiting for my CTB day to come. The only reason I haven't pulled the trigger (literally) is guilt over the feelings it will cause the people I leave behind. But I'm in loads of pain and this decision is FAR, FAR from impulsive. I'm curious as to what any of you good people out there do / have done to inch toward your big day.

Again, I know this post is a bear; I tried to keep it short, but that's never been a talent of mine. Thank you for any responses; I hope all who read this are well tonight.

 

[Someone123]

This is a very thoughtful post. One thing I think you should consider seriouisly is going to youtibe and searching by "survivor of gun suicide attempt" and watch a few videos that were made by people who attempted this method. There is a myth that it is rare to survive a gun suicide attempt but it is not, and many of these people severely damage their faces and life is much, much more difficult after that- nobody ever aims at the face but due to the gun's movement due to recoil people often damage the cafe badly and survive. With any method you should always consider- what will happen if it doesn't work. I was going to use this method myself until I did more research on this. Also I do agree your odds of patching it up with this girl are very low due to how hurt she was by this, but what you have learned from this experience could be appli9ed to another girl and you could do better. If you try this I would keep living in the same city you are in so that if you strat to stress out your support network is there. I do always support choice for whether to stay in this world or not, and I always would support moving on from this life if the pain is too much for too long, but researching other methods could help. It's up to you whether you want to try at finding another girl, whether you can get over the pain or not. Best of luck in finding peace in whichever way you choose.

 

[Ocelot93]

This is a very thoughtful post. One thing I think you should consider seriouisly is going to youtibe and searching by "survivor of gun suicide attempt" and watch a few videos that were made by people who attempted this method. There is a myth that it is rare to survive a gun suicide attempt but it is not, and many of these people severely damage their faces and life is much, much more difficult after that- nobody ever aims at the face but due to the gun's movement due to recoil people often damage the cafe badly and survive. With any method you should always consider- what will happen if it doesn't work. I was going to use this method myself until I did more research on this. Also I do agree your odds of patching it up with this girl are very low due to how hurt she was by this, but what you have learned from this experience could be appli9ed to another girl and you could do better. If you try this I would keep living in the same city you are in so that if you strat to stress out your support network is there. I do always support choice for whether to stay in this world or not, and I always would support moving on from this life if the pain is too much for too long, but researching other methods could help. It's up to you whether you want to try at finding another girl, whether you can get over the pain or not. Best of luck in finding peace in whichever way you choose.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. Of course I'm disappointed to hear about the risks that come with self-inflicted gunshots, as I've read about here before, but I should take your advice seriously. Thus far, it just seems like one of the most simple, least painless, and most effective methods, but if there's one thing I've read many times, it's that there's no easy, painless, foolproof way to do this.

Regarding the latter part of your reply: you're right. I have learned quite a bit during my time in therapy. I'm certain that I could be a substantially better partner to someone now. And I know logically that there are "other fish in the sea." But I just cannot convince myself to take that route. The trauma + the consequences of choices I made when I didn't know better are just too much for me to move on from. Really, I don't want to move on. For this, I expect nobody in the world to feel sympathy for me, as I know there are other paths that I could take, and just choose not to take them. I wish so much that things had happened differently, as I'm likely to die from the fallout.

At any rate, I'm grateful for your reply and will follow your advice and do the bit of research that you've suggested. Thank you, and I hope you are well tonight.

 

[Someone123]

Sn, which is sodium nitrite, as one example has a success rate that is unknown but it may be as high as with firearms, though one big advantage of this method is that when it fails there is typically no lasting damage. That's just one example of a method to consider. There is a guide to sn on this site called Stan's Guide which details what is involved, since some medications make this work better/more peacefully. I will always support choice, as I said, but I still will hope you can find another fish- with your new fishing skills this could work out a lot better.

 

[Ocelot93]

Sn, which is sodium nitrite, as one example has a success rate that is unknown but it may be as high as with firearms, though one big advantage of this method is that when it fails there is typically no lasting damage. That's just one example of a method to consider. There is a guide to sn on this site called Stan's Guide which details what is involved, since some medications make this work better/more peacefully. I will always support choice, as I said, but I still will hope you can find another fish- with your new fishing skills this could work out a lot better.

Yes, I've read a bit about this. Truthfully, I found out about this site via a NYTimes article referencing this site and SN, though neither by name. The SN method sounds fairly simple and painless; my only issue is that it seemed to involved procuring certain medications (for an optimal experience), and, sadly, it sounded easier for me to procure a handgun. But I should do my due diligence and re-read Stan's thread again. Thank you for recommending it.

 

[its-about-time]

"I expect nobody in the world to feel sympathy for me, as I know there are other paths that I could take, and just choose not to take them."

I feel that. For me, I feel I have repeatedly tried numerous other paths and have always ended up in the same space. People say there's more to try, or to try differently, but I've exhausted my will. My hope for you is that you try other paths, instead of making this decision based on one path, but in the end I relate to your words I quoted above and I understand why you want to do this. Heartbreak and guilt are very painful emotions. They are feelings, though, and feelings change, sometimes naturally or with time and other times with intentional work. For those willing to take that path of conscious work, it's a lot of hope. For those unwilling, it's meaningless. I lay on the "unwilling" side too at this point, for different reasons. Try to practice self compassion as you approach whatever decision you make.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry what you're going through OP. In my opinion, and I've been through a heartbreak, it is not a reason to kill yourself. I know it sounds cliche but there are other fish in the sea. Focus on other things that give you joy, try and go out and meet others. When you meet a new partner you like, any kind of feelings for what was, will greatly diminish. Let some time pass and try to pick yourself little by little. There are far, far worse things in life than heartbreak man, killing yourself is a drastic step when only other option is mere suffering.

 

[sharky]

Seems a bit drastic. You say you have a good family, and don't suffer from any serious illnesses and it's this one thing with this failed relationship that is the reason you wanna ctb?
I've been through something similar not once but 2 times, but there's always another person somewhere where things can work out for the better. I know it will take time, but I don't think you should ctb. Even when life seems like hell now for you. You should try to forgive yourself. She won't forget but she will forgive, that's pretty much certain . Learn from it and grow from it.

 

[Ocelot93]

Seems a bit drastic. You say you have a good family, and don't suffer from any serious illnesses and it's this one thing with this failed relationship that is the reason you wanna ctb?
I've been through something similar not once but 2 times, but there's always another person somewhere where things can work out for the better. I know it will take time, but I don't think you should ctb. Even when life seems like hell now for you. You should try to forgive yourself. She won't forget but she will forgive, that's pretty much certain . Learn from it and grow from it.

Hi there. I appreciate your thoughtful reply and your words of encouragement. The only hairs I want to split is that I did not say that I have a good family; and just for the sake of my own dignity, I want to own my own truth in that respect. That said, I appreciate you empathizing with me and will of course take this into consideration. I hope you are well today.

 

[sharky]

Hi there. I appreciate your thoughtful reply and your words of encouragement. The only hairs I want to split is that I did not say that I have a good family; and just for the sake of my own dignity, I want to own my own truth in that respect. That said, I appreciate you empathizing with me and will of course take this into consideration. I hope you are well today.

Ok i thought I read that you moved in with your parents, which seems like a nice thing of them to take you in. Anyway i hope you find your peace with your situation. Good luck.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering, I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain and everything seems hopeless. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Ocelot93]

I'm sorry that you are suffering, I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain and everything seems hopeless. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you cannot take anymore of this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you very much. Yes, hopelessness is the key word there. My (former?) therapist always said that the three key warning signs for suicide are: hopelessness, isolation and the feeling of being a burden to others. The burdensome feeling took time to cultivate, but it is all built on a firm, firm bed of hopelessness. I understand that my circumstances may seem unimportant, even trivial, so some, but our feelings are relative. I wish hopelessness on no man.

Thank you very much. If you are here, I assume it's because you too are suffering. If this is the case, I hope your suffering is eased.

 

[Someone123]

Yes, I've read a bit about this. Truthfully, I found out about this site via a NYTimes article referencing this site and SN, though neither by name. The SN method sounds fairly simple and painless; my only issue is that it seemed to involved procuring certain medications (for an optimal experience), and, sadly, it sounded easier for me to procure a handgun. But I should do my due diligence and re-read Stan's thread again. Thank you for recommending it.

Most peoplep end up compromising on some of the medications- for example, I won't be able to get benzos, and I'm not sure about the heart med. The main things are to get an antiemitic to reduce risk of vomiting, a pain reliever like tylenol, and some medicine for an upset sto0mch, and there are over the counter versions of all of these. It's better to get a prescription anti-emitic like meto, though, if you can- legit online pharmacy sites can hook you up with a provider to get this legally- it took me twice, though, to get someone to provide meto, though often people get this on the first try. Sometimes attempts by sn aren't peaceul, if it fails sometimes you throuw up a lot and feel reall sick for a couple of days, but that's way better then blowi8ng off half you face and surviving. For some people who posted here it took a couple of attempts for sn to work. I personally would consider trying sn twice before trying a firearm. I'm planning on trying sn at least twice before trying full suspension- again if you fail at full suspenison at least your face ins';t wrecked- trying to ctb after your face is wrecked is much tougher because people wil be suispicious and because going out in public like that is very stressful.