Getting drunk a few days ago was the first time I felt happy in years

[Eternal Eyes]

Me and my sport team won a road game on Saturday. The teams players decided to immediately celebrate, it lead to them getting drunk within an hour, the chairman and committee followed, as did me. I drank 6 cans of lager in under an hour (tasted bad tbh). I was pretty twitchy and couldn't walk well. It is the first time I have ever been drunk, I have always wanted to avoid drinking as I have family members that are alcoholics, but peer pressure proved too much, and I was curious if I'd enjoy myself.

Yet...I found myself actually talking to strangers. I was actually confident, and for about 4 hours or so, I actually didn't hate myself and didn't want to die for the first time in a decade. I even told my parents about how I felt, how I have been suicidal for around a year now, that I have a lot of unresolved trauma I want closure on, and how I desperately want to be happy and have a nicer life. Of course, they both ignored me, as usual. But it speaks volumes I could even mention that along with my many traumas. It was the first time the real me ever appeared...or at least the first time in years.

I don't want to get drunk again though. I don't want to go down that road where drink is all I live for especially with my emotional sensitivity. I definitely have personality traits that alcoholism would really fuck with. I think I made this thread to see if anyone else with autism, BPD and depression has ever done this? Has anyone here struggled with alcoholism? As the days carry on, the temptation to drink continues, I hope it subsides soon.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Oh, my friend... I completely understand you. I struggle with BPD and depression, along with a couple other things, since you asked, and my experience was just like yours, as well as many other people I know. Drinking is one of my favorite things in life, it makes me feel like myself and takes off the weight of depression, society pressure, annoying thoughts and many other things. Makes me feel like it's worth being alive, that things are possible and the world is beautiful. When I'm drunk with friends or strangers at a party, nothing else mathers, just that moment, and my perspective of life shifts, it's pretty fucking amazing. Although I must admit that I often drink too much and once my friend said "it's so funny that when you're really drunk you always say you want to die even if you look happy" (she says it's funny because the way I act while saying I want to CTB), so it's not perfect, and sometimes the hangover sucks. But anyways, I love drinking and won't stop. It has been a problem and I have been warned about it? Yes, but I don't drink often enough to be qualified as an alcoholic. My advice is to limit drinking with friends and only on not working days, don't drink more than you can handle and be safe. If you do that, you're probably safe on the "becoming an alcoholic" matter.
And if you liked it and it was fun, why not keep doing it? Life sucks, it's a constant heavy weight, we deserve to be free of this burden from time to time, and alcohol (and other things, although I don't use it) are here for that.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I think cannabis has reached more potential and better influences in my life long term than alcohol- the world would look a bit different if it was legal.

 

[Ironborn]

I was a heavy drinker for years, turned into a full blown alcoholic during the lockdowns.
I think it's the only thing that's kept me going the last ten years, numbing my suicidal thoughts. Being able to just turn off my brain for a few hours at the weekend, no anxiety, no depression, no worries. I lived for those few hours of the week.
It came with its own problems which eventually led to my first attempt.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Alcohol has that effect on me as well, feels like I get some time when things don't burden me and life seems worth living. The problem with drinking is that I started getting more resistant to it so I needed to drink more to feel as drunk as I wanted to.

Didn't turn into an alcoholic as I got to the point of drinking more than I should and then stopped. Nowadays I want to drink like I did in the old days, just sitting alone on my room, crying and singing songs, but I'm living with my boyfriend and I can't do that to him.

 

[Gangrel]

I have BPD, depression and avoidant personality disorder and getting drunk makes the toxic behaviours much less pronounced just like it did to yourself. Yeah but i can't spend my life drunk so i don't think too much about it. If i am alone drinking just makes me sad.

I'm happy you and your team won though, congrats dude!!

 

[genie]

It helps temporarily. Always feel worse afterwards now. I'm 33 so it isn't worth it anymore. Used to binge drink every other day when I was 19/20 and it caused me a lot of trouble. Only drink a few drinks now but very rarely as I feel awful afterwards.