Getting Closer

[Paradox_]

It's feeling like end times to me. I've been suicidal on and off for the last twenty years (since I was 12), and I can just feel the end coming for me. I can't remember the last time I've wanted to die consistently for this long. I have my SN ready to go. I just don't know what will tip me over into action. When do I give in? How does one make this decision? I'm trapped in the prison of my mind, but the transition to death feels pretty scary.

 

[keitaro]

that is understandable. it is only natural to fear death, even though we may despise living. i would like to enter into the peace of eternal nothingness, but who knows when i will do that. my sn is on it's way, though.

our minds truly are prisons. existence is cruel, and suffering is inevitable. this world is hell. leaving this world is the only permanent way to end my pain.

 

[aslank98]

I'm in the same boat. I got my SN last year and stored it away. I managed to keep myself busy with a new job but the feeling of wanting to die never left me I was just masking it with constantly exhausting myself. When I'm alone the feeling of longing to die hits me. I feel especially in the summer in this hot weather I might just say fuck it and go. I could maybe order some N but why not just use the SN I have? I don't know what I'm waiting for

 

[Paradox_]

I'm in the same boat. I got my SN last year and stored it away. I managed to keep myself busy with a new job but the feeling of wanting to die never left me I was just masking it with constantly exhausting myself. When I'm alone the feeling of longing to die hits me. I feel especially in the summer in this hot weather I might just say fuck it and go. I could maybe order some N but why not just use the SN I have? I don't know what I'm waiting for

I don't know what I'm waiting for, either. I've had my SN for about a year now. I have other medications to make the SN more bearable (benzos, antiemetic, propranolol). It should be an easy enough transition into death. One thing that makes the decision to die difficult is the very mildest gratification I still get from life. For instance - when my cats sit on my lap, or cuddle with me. I still have that. But in the context of my life, and how utterly humiliating it feels to live in this endless depressive haze with nothing that helps long term, I know I need to cross over to the other side. I want to go out before I decompensate publicly (I have an established career in healthcare, and it would be so embarrassing to have that yanked away from me due to my decompensation, although in some respects it should be).

 

[castler]

this world is hell. leaving this world is the only permanent way to end my pain.

But wouldn't it suck to all end if this world got "better" say, in less than the next 10yrs after we left it now? I'll be looking up/down or wherever I end up in the ether and be like damn, they got it made. I mean I don't want the world to stay fucked up, but it might get better.

 

[keitaro]

But wouldn't it suck to all end if this world got "better" say, in less than the next 10yrs after we left it now? I'll be looking up/down or wherever I end up in the ether and be like damn, they got it made. I mean I don't want the world to stay fucked up, but it might get better.

that is an understandable perspective. i'm sure lots of people think the same way.

i'm sure the world will get better in many ways. but i can't see how humans can (or would) ever prevent suffering for all people at every moment of their lives. that just seems unrealistic. to me, it seems like human existence will always include pain, so the only permanent way to avoid pain is to not exist. it would be nice if everyone could have complete freedom as to whether they want to continue life despite hardships, or decide that it is time for them to enter peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really can be so difficult and more than anything I wish that it is easier to let go of all the suffering. I hope that you are able to find relief from your pain, to me living is torture and no one should have to feel like they are trapped in this life.

 

[cantwaittoleave]

It's feeling like end times to me. I've been suicidal on and off for the last twenty years (since I was 12), and I can just feel the end coming for me. I can't remember the last time I've wanted to die consistently for this long. I have my SN ready to go. I just don't know what will tip me over into action. When do I give in? How does one make this decision? I'm trapped in the prison of my mind, but the transition to death feels pretty scary.

Sorry I'm new here, I see SN mentioned a lot. What is that? If it's unsafe to say can someone PM me?