Venting Getting better feels like losing

[one.way.out]

I feel like this has been said before, but "getting better," at least to me, feels like losing. It seems so many people seem to keep going even when their depression is never going to go away, just because they've bought into this idea of never giving up, endless perseverance. I have a chemical imbalance, there's a strong family history of depression. My mother has been on antidepressants her whole life, and will have to stay on them for the rest of her life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting. I'm not a fighter, I never have been. I want a quiet, content life, I want to go the normal path in life. I'm not a contrarian, I don't have any grand fantasies. I just want to get a job, marry, have kids, live out a quiet life full of small pleasures. However, depression, autism, and my life circumstances are making it very difficult to even achieve these supposedly simple and banal things. To be honest, the one thing that would make me not suicidal is a partner. True love, I guess. However, I know I'll fuck it up, I know I'm not good enough, I know I'm a piece of shit and will make their life worse. So why not kill myself?

 

[ncmxm]

If you have depression and you have a family history of depression, why om earth would you want kids who will most likely have depression too

Why would you want to wish this hell on someone else

 

[Mr2005]

If you have depression and you have a family history of depression, why om earth would you want kids who will most likely have depression too

Why would you want to wish this hell on someone else

Why do you want a burger? It tastes good. That poor cow

I feel like this has been said before, but "getting better," at least to me, feels like losing. It seems so many people seem to keep going even when their depression is never going to go away, just because they've bought into this idea of never giving up, endless perseverance. I have a chemical imbalance, there's a strong family history of depression. My mother has been on antidepressants her whole life, and will have to stay on them for the rest of her life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting. I'm not a fighter, I never have been. I want a quiet, content life, I want to go the normal path in life. I'm not a contrarian, I don't have any grand fantasies. I just want to get a job, marry, have kids, live out a quiet life full of small pleasures. However, depression, autism, and my life circumstances are making it very difficult to even achieve these supposedly simple and banal things. To be honest, the one thing that would make me not suicidal is a partner. True love, I guess. However, I know I'll fuck it up, I know I'm not good enough, I know I'm a piece of shit and will make their life worse. So why not kill myself?

Don't give up before you've tried

 

[ncmxm]

Why do you want a burger? It tastes good. That poor cow

If you can't avoid suffering completely at least it's better to minimise suffering and make as few living entities suffer as possible, and by not having children you reduce suffering greatly already

And if someone wants a child there is always adoption

 

[one.way.out]

If you have depression and you have a family history of depression, why om earth would you want kids who will most likely have depression too

Why would you want to wish this hell on someone else

I'd probably adopt or opt for some other means of reproduction other than passing on my genes. I don't think I should have children. But I definitely want them.

Don't give up before you've tried

I think there's too many problems to fix. I'm just in a double-bind at this point and I know I can't win. I keep on holding on out of hope things will get better, but the more rationally I think about it, the more suicide makes sense.

 

[plough22]

I would love to feel better, love it more than anything, I'm here with a heavy head abs thoughts that want to invade. I would love some peace, I had it for a few weeks, I've sleep, not too much overthinking. The depression returning, ebbing back in.

You can only depend on yourself, true love is a falsehood, films and society. I do hope you find what you're looking for, look at yourself, heal as best you can, stay in the meds as I will abs hopefully you find what you're looking for. What's for you won't pass you.
I want peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be a hopeless feeling when we cannot achieve what we want, I'm sorry you are suffering. Any chance of getting better is impossible to me, personally. I wish you the best.