mob
Student
- Jul 19, 2023
- 136
Oh well. I'm not sure if this belongs here in suicide discussion, if it doesn't please let me know.
I'm most probably getting admitted into the mental ward, by choice. My partner is gonna call and ask if it's possible I get admitted for suicidal thoughts and for being a danger to myself. Or even call an ambulance? Don't know. Anyway, she's a mess and I feel bad for it.
However, the reason is not because I want to get better - I know I never, ever will. The last two times in the mental ward didn't help either. My uncontrollable urges are just getting in my way of safely ctb when I'm 100% ready since I'm not in a rush and want to ctb when I'm not feeling impulsive, and I also need a break. I hope that makes sense? I know and have known for a long time that I'll always leave this world by my own hands. Is this attention seeking? I don't know. Fact is, if it keeps going like that I might find a way to impulsively attempt ctb in an unreliable, painful way. Lately my bloodpressure pills and old antidepressants have been temtping me. But it would be of no use, anyway. None of that would kill me, but my deluded brain keeps telling me that yes, if I maybe take a hundred of them I'll die - but I don't want to ctb in a extremely painful way, either - not to mention the fact that this would not work anyway.
My words are all over the place, but I believe it's the right thing to do. Life has been overwhelming me. There was a time where I genuinely did not care about what happens to me, but at that time I was also utterly and completely alone. Now I have to manage a job and my relationship. If it wasn't for that, my health or whether I die or not would actually not matter to me, but when I'm unable to even get out of bed, how else am I going to get a break without my boss having a serious talk with me for being absent so much? She's losing her patience with me anyway.
I'm not getting admitted to get better and "stabilized", because I know that won't happen. I'll ctb when I'm ready. When that will be, I don't know yet. Maybe a year or two. When I've cut everyone off and am in a place where no one knows me. Or cares.
I don't know what else to say, and this post is getting too long now.
I'm most probably getting admitted into the mental ward, by choice. My partner is gonna call and ask if it's possible I get admitted for suicidal thoughts and for being a danger to myself. Or even call an ambulance? Don't know. Anyway, she's a mess and I feel bad for it.
However, the reason is not because I want to get better - I know I never, ever will. The last two times in the mental ward didn't help either. My uncontrollable urges are just getting in my way of safely ctb when I'm 100% ready since I'm not in a rush and want to ctb when I'm not feeling impulsive, and I also need a break. I hope that makes sense? I know and have known for a long time that I'll always leave this world by my own hands. Is this attention seeking? I don't know. Fact is, if it keeps going like that I might find a way to impulsively attempt ctb in an unreliable, painful way. Lately my bloodpressure pills and old antidepressants have been temtping me. But it would be of no use, anyway. None of that would kill me, but my deluded brain keeps telling me that yes, if I maybe take a hundred of them I'll die - but I don't want to ctb in a extremely painful way, either - not to mention the fact that this would not work anyway.
My words are all over the place, but I believe it's the right thing to do. Life has been overwhelming me. There was a time where I genuinely did not care about what happens to me, but at that time I was also utterly and completely alone. Now I have to manage a job and my relationship. If it wasn't for that, my health or whether I die or not would actually not matter to me, but when I'm unable to even get out of bed, how else am I going to get a break without my boss having a serious talk with me for being absent so much? She's losing her patience with me anyway.
I'm not getting admitted to get better and "stabilized", because I know that won't happen. I'll ctb when I'm ready. When that will be, I don't know yet. Maybe a year or two. When I've cut everyone off and am in a place where no one knows me. Or cares.
I don't know what else to say, and this post is getting too long now.