vanillabug333
Member
- Feb 10, 2026
- 17
I really don't know why I didn't consider this sooner, as I live in Alabama and the gun laws are so lax here.
I'm getting paid tomorrow night, and going to pick up this gun and then buy some ammo for it on Saturday. I've already got it all set up. Ever since I've gotten this in place earlier today, I have actually felt very pleasant. I will finally be at peace soon, it's official. No more failed overdoses or almost hanging myself and then chickening out last minute. Nope, I will just pull the trigger and there will be no going back. I've even got a smile on my face thinking about it all, truly.
Things have been bad for quite sometime, and I tried very hard for like a year to make things better for myself. I've even been going to a PHP program. However, I really just cannot improve. I'm way too traumatized. A childhood full of abuse, SA more than once, losing my grandmother (the only one in my family who ever was good to me), losing my pregnancy... and then my ex who I loved more than anything, cheating on me and leaving me for my ex-best friend, and made me homeless. I'm not homeless now, but not a whole lot has gotten better. He was an amazing partner for many years. However, we started to have some issues. We were working on them, or so I thought. We were in couples therapy and stuff. But one day, he suddenly switched up on me. Said he got fed up, threw me out of our place. They blocked me, refusing to have any sort of conversation, made a total smear campaign full of lies about me, I lost so many people due to their bullshit. I was not perfect, no. But I did not do anything they're accusing me of. It hurts, because I did so much for those two, and I loved them so much. They laugh at my pain. I'm sure they're gonna celebrate once I die, too, with all of the people they turned against me. So will my mom. Good, I don't give a crap. They can party and rejoice all they want, I will be resting eternally, and they will no longer matter as I will become nothing.
People say to hold on, I'll meet someone else, give it time, I'll get better. No, I have been through way too much in my life, and "just holding on" has really done me no good. I have been through like 10 traumatic events since I was a child. I'm almost 30. I already had CPTSD, but when my ex-partnet and ex-best friend did all this, yeah, I'm kind of done. Next month will be a year since it's went down. I tried, I did. But a person can only take so much, and I'm at my limit.
I'm also chronically ill, I have lupus and POTS. I struggle a lot with my health, but since I have an invisible illness and I'm a 29 year old woman, I get constantly gaslit by doctors. I'm often bedridden in my spare time.
It's gotten to the point I just truly do not care about anything. My special interests? Don't care. I don't even listen to music in the car much anymore. I barely speak to people unless I have to at work and stuff. The only thing I do feel bad about is leaving my cat behind. She loves me so much, and I love her too. She's what's kept me here for so long. But I'm not a good cat mom anymore... I don't abuse her, hell no. I'm just distant now. :( My roommates will take care of her, though, I know they will. And she likes them... I feel bad but this pain is too much and I can't do this anymore... so I'm giving her all the love that I can in the next few days.
I don't want to shoot myself around my cat or have a mess for my roommates to clean up, so I'm likely going to just drive off somewhere remote. Either Saturday or Sunday, not quite sure yet. But very likely this weekend. Why wait, you know? Like I said, waiting has only brought me harm thus far. I used to be terrified of dying and that's what kept me from doing it for so long, the idea of simply just... nothing. But honestly? That sounds peaceful af to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ anything beats this life, I know that much. I have tried other methods and failed, but I am very confident this will work. Due to that, a huge weight is off of my chest.
Anyway, I'm thankful for this website, and I'll be commenting and stuff on here likely until I'm out of here, which will hopefully be this weekend. This place has been very validating, and I'm sorry we all struggle so much. But at least we have each other to talk to here. Much love y'all <3
I'm getting paid tomorrow night, and going to pick up this gun and then buy some ammo for it on Saturday. I've already got it all set up. Ever since I've gotten this in place earlier today, I have actually felt very pleasant. I will finally be at peace soon, it's official. No more failed overdoses or almost hanging myself and then chickening out last minute. Nope, I will just pull the trigger and there will be no going back. I've even got a smile on my face thinking about it all, truly.
Things have been bad for quite sometime, and I tried very hard for like a year to make things better for myself. I've even been going to a PHP program. However, I really just cannot improve. I'm way too traumatized. A childhood full of abuse, SA more than once, losing my grandmother (the only one in my family who ever was good to me), losing my pregnancy... and then my ex who I loved more than anything, cheating on me and leaving me for my ex-best friend, and made me homeless. I'm not homeless now, but not a whole lot has gotten better. He was an amazing partner for many years. However, we started to have some issues. We were working on them, or so I thought. We were in couples therapy and stuff. But one day, he suddenly switched up on me. Said he got fed up, threw me out of our place. They blocked me, refusing to have any sort of conversation, made a total smear campaign full of lies about me, I lost so many people due to their bullshit. I was not perfect, no. But I did not do anything they're accusing me of. It hurts, because I did so much for those two, and I loved them so much. They laugh at my pain. I'm sure they're gonna celebrate once I die, too, with all of the people they turned against me. So will my mom. Good, I don't give a crap. They can party and rejoice all they want, I will be resting eternally, and they will no longer matter as I will become nothing.
People say to hold on, I'll meet someone else, give it time, I'll get better. No, I have been through way too much in my life, and "just holding on" has really done me no good. I have been through like 10 traumatic events since I was a child. I'm almost 30. I already had CPTSD, but when my ex-partnet and ex-best friend did all this, yeah, I'm kind of done. Next month will be a year since it's went down. I tried, I did. But a person can only take so much, and I'm at my limit.
I'm also chronically ill, I have lupus and POTS. I struggle a lot with my health, but since I have an invisible illness and I'm a 29 year old woman, I get constantly gaslit by doctors. I'm often bedridden in my spare time.
It's gotten to the point I just truly do not care about anything. My special interests? Don't care. I don't even listen to music in the car much anymore. I barely speak to people unless I have to at work and stuff. The only thing I do feel bad about is leaving my cat behind. She loves me so much, and I love her too. She's what's kept me here for so long. But I'm not a good cat mom anymore... I don't abuse her, hell no. I'm just distant now. :( My roommates will take care of her, though, I know they will. And she likes them... I feel bad but this pain is too much and I can't do this anymore... so I'm giving her all the love that I can in the next few days.
I don't want to shoot myself around my cat or have a mess for my roommates to clean up, so I'm likely going to just drive off somewhere remote. Either Saturday or Sunday, not quite sure yet. But very likely this weekend. Why wait, you know? Like I said, waiting has only brought me harm thus far. I used to be terrified of dying and that's what kept me from doing it for so long, the idea of simply just... nothing. But honestly? That sounds peaceful af to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ anything beats this life, I know that much. I have tried other methods and failed, but I am very confident this will work. Due to that, a huge weight is off of my chest.
Anyway, I'm thankful for this website, and I'll be commenting and stuff on here likely until I'm out of here, which will hopefully be this weekend. This place has been very validating, and I'm sorry we all struggle so much. But at least we have each other to talk to here. Much love y'all <3
