bloopbloop
gone for a while
- Aug 14, 2023
- 22
i was born and raised in a 1st world country for most of my life and had a fairly decent first half of my childhood, all went downhill once my dad (the moneymaker) died suddenly infront of me and basic needs became way too expensive and mom couldn't afford to extend our stay anymore, so we had to go back to the place we're from (i originally come from a religious 3rd world country in the same region, have 0 memories of it tho) yeah and it's really been a grueling 3 years in here. almost 4 years passed and i still feel homesick, uncomfortable and heavily alienated in this shithole and my state school. you'd think after years i would have gotten over it but i still grief and cry over my previous life when i compare it to now. i think listing all the problems we have in here would make my head explode. i was still a kid when i first came here and i wasn't aware of how truly bad it is, i was just on my devices 24/7 like i've been for most of my life. I feel like if this were a better and actually livable country with a less evil government i would just feel homesick, but i'd try to adapt to my culture and people, i really love engaging in new cultures and would love to travel everywhere and feel pride from my country and nationality, i think its a beautiful thing to see from other ppl. however somehow i find everything abt this place extremely unpleasant. i feel absolutely 0 connection to it and i don't plan on trying anymore. whatever news i hear from this place always ranges from bad to horrifying, everyday waking up is a reminder that i'm stuck here for even more years. i've spent most of my life on the internet and now that i'm here it increased tenfold bc of how life here affected my mental health and might be the reason for me spiraling into suicide ideation. i try to stop thinking abt it/stop caring these days bc i'm trying to enjoy my last moments by engaging in my hobbies but it always gets annoyingly disrupted cause of these thoughts. i've always consumed english content and media for all my life which is why i'm almost fluent in english now, and why i'm disconnected from both of the countries cultures anyway, doesn't feel like i belong tbh. feels a lot more weirder to live on the internet than before because of how wildly different my reality is now, and how further away i feel from my friends online who live in good countries. it's no lie that if you live here your dreams will be immedietly squashed and future is very bleak. i'm not exaggerating when i say it's BAD.literally everyone wants to leave because basic needs are getting expensive day by day because of the dollar and other things. weirdly enough i have a feeling that even if i manage to get out of here i'd still feel displeasure of coming from that place, it's like some sort of internalized racism or a developing inferiority complex.it's like if i just came from somehwere else i wouldn't have to suffer so much bc of how much disadvantages i've recieved from simply being from somewhere and i might not even be suicidal anymore. Its sorta like i was fucked from the beginning i was born but the realization comes late. not only this with even more side problems it becomes unbearable. u guys in the usa or wherever underestimate how truly good you have it, ik problems exist in every country but some are much more severe than others. forgot to mention that i live with my brother and mom, who has been visibly getting more and more miserable day by day. i don't like her but i care for her like a human so i'm so worried what might happen if she finds out i cbt./// ngl i haaaate thinking about this topic and writing smth this long about it is even worse so i might just delete this after a couple hours, hard to find someone who relates anyway. long story short i miss my old school, friends, environment, childhood, everything. i miss home :((
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