Is anyone on here like me in that they have to essentially "get better" to even plan and execute their Ctb? It's pathetic, but true, in my case. Does this sound like you? Not even being in a "well enough" state so you're literally unabble to carry out your ctb plan?
(I'm not speaking of building up courage, overcoming SI, or fear of failing. Those are not my issues, without getting into specfics.)
How is it affecting you?
What have you done to combat it?
If you dont mind, what's standing in your way that is making it impossible for you to do what you need to, to make sure you finish what you have to, to get done?
It's obvious hard to word this correctly. Having a mush brain and being so scattered is one of many things I need to get under control to work on my tasks toward ctb.
Thanks.
-‐P.S.
Can pm your answer if it's too personal.
I wouldn't say it's pathetic- just good strategy. Ex: It's a lot harder to climb over a railing and jump off when you're missing a leg.
This is kinda long but might be helpful.
1. How is it affecting you?
I've been teetering on the precipice of an enormous mental and emotional breakdown for years now. I often heavily disassociate to the point I'll zone out and have a borderline out of body experience, looking at life like it's through a screen or unblinkingly staring at a wall for minutes at a time. Other times I'll go for midnight walks; I often have an urge to do so. I'm not allowed to do that, and if I ever got caught, I'd be under suspicion. My self-care and sleep schedule are generally complete dogshit, and my anxiety interferes with me getting my license (important step for my CTB). I'm also a major bedrotter.
2. What have you done to combat it?
- I let out my negative or weird emotions/thoughts in controlled bursts, and only online or in my (digital) diaries.
- To avoid having breakdowns due to emotional distress and/or making costly missteps, I avoid IRL friendships/relationships and close relationships in general as much as possible.
- I act upbeat as best I can. I'm really bad at smiling and my resting face makes me look like a psycho (especially when disassociating) but I'm pretty good at being boisterous, cheery, and quick with a joke when people actually talk to me, which takes my vibes from "suicide/homicide watch" -> "weird goofy dude".
- Using disassociation/practiced apathy to deal with anxiety/BPD. This has been instrumental in muffling my fear of driving and masking my BPD better; why be anxious with no fear of death and clingy when you don't care if they leave?
- Staring off into the void with music blaring in the dark is suspicious, so I go outside and/or go on walks while doing it instead.
- Distract myself with games/movies/creative activities/etc.
- It's often difficult, but I've never broken down and told anyone IRL how I actually feel.
- in short: I have controlled breakdowns, disguise my symptoms as other things, lie a lot, try to keep up appearances, distract myself, and occasionally lock the fuck in
3. If you dont mind, what's standing in your way that is making it impossible for you to do what you need to, to make sure you finish what you have to, to get done?
Time, a driver's license, and independence. I need time to acquire the license for an ID and so I can drive to a gun store.