Get "better" to Ctb?

[DefinitelyReady]

Is anyone on here like me in that they have to essentially "get better" to even plan and execute their Ctb? It's pathetic, but true, in my case. Does this sound like you? Not even being in a "well enough" state so you're literally unabble to carry out your ctb plan?
(I'm not speaking of building up courage, overcoming SI, or fear of failing. Those are not my issues, without getting into specfics.)
How is it affecting you?
What have you done to combat it?
If you dont mind, what's standing in your way that is making it impossible for you to do what you need to, to make sure you finish what you have to, to get done?
It's obvious hard to word this correctly. Having a mush brain and being so scattered is one of many things I need to get under control to work on my tasks toward ctb.
Thanks.

-‐P.S.
Can pm your answer if it's too personal.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

It's not pathetic, don't beat yourself up over it. There are many here who are severely disabled to the point where accessing any CTB method at all can be very difficult. And even if they have a method lined up, SI is hard to overcome for ANYONE - though thankfully, I think being disabled and having your life taken from you gives you the ability to 'logic through' SI. Personally, I still have some fear to overcome in these next 2 months, but my saving grace, by pure dumb luck is having a good railing in my house to anchor a rope to. If I didn't have that, my disability would prohibit me from most reliable methods.

All that's left to do now is find the courage, and the faith to take the ULTIMATE leap of faith into the void.

May you find the same.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

It's not pathetic, don't beat yourself up over it. There are many here who are severely disabled to the point where accessing any CTB method at all can be very difficult. And even if they have a method lined up, SI is hard to overcome for ANYONE - though thankfully, I think being disabled and having your life taken from you gives you the ability to 'logic through' SI. Personally, I still have some fear to overcome in these next 2 months, but my saving grace, by pure dumb luck is having a good railing in my house to anchor a rope to. If I didn't have that, my disability would prohibit me from most reliable methods.

All that's left to do now is find the courage, and the faith to take the ULTIMATE leap of faith into the void.

May you find the same.

Well I have the courage to overcome SI thankfully, it's just the fortitude that I lack to "tie up loose ends" and do what I need to in order to have as much peace and not leave a less or burden my family more with my passing.
I have more things to do than the average person, and less resources to do it with, to be prepared to ctb physically, environmentally, and not to leave the least amount of emotional baggage behind when I do ctb. It's just so impossibly exhuasting/draining
that I can't finalize my ctb in the way that'd make it the least impactful on who and what I leave behind. I could ctb tomorrow, but I can't go out leaving it, and them, in this state. It that makes sense... So too depressed and executively dysfunctional to even ctb to conquer the preparations necessary to even begin to work on the actual ctb... That'swhat is pathetic to me.
It's not that I don't have the will, I am just stuck in my own literal way...

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

Is anyone on here like me in that they have to essentially "get better" to even plan and execute their Ctb? It's pathetic, but true, in my case. Does this sound like you? Not even being in a "well enough" state so you're literally unabble to carry out your ctb plan?
How is it affecting you?
What have you done to combat it?
If you dont mind, what's standing in your way that you need to overcome?
Thanks.

-‐P.S.
Can pm your answer if it's too personal.

Yes. I feel the same. I need to be less terrorized in order to deal with the increased terror of ctb.
And I deal with severe cognitive impairment and extreme dissociation both of which make it very very difficult to be able to carry out my plan.
Plus I am not confident enough in the methods I have available. But soon I will need to choose one and have the courage to trust that it will work out and do the job all the way. I need to overcome the fear of failure and only going half way--getting stuck in a worse place or panicking.

 

[vitbar]

Kind of how things are when I'm depressed. Can't seem to do anything to help myself let alone ctb. Just rot instead.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

The original point of my profile journal posts was to document my CTB planning process but after over 160 days I've made almost no progress in my plans outside of scouting some locations. I think I'm just overly lazy and anxious which adds to me wanting to die but if I were to actually work on these faults of mine then rather than live for the better I would likely find it easier to just CTB instead.

That said, my plans mainly involve 1) Finishing my note, 2) Creating some more personalized notes or recordings for specific people, 3) Deleting my internet history, 4) Setting up a will, 5) Devising a checklist for my actual regiment, and finally 6) actually doing it.

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

I completely relate! It's ironic because being in that state (depression and associated anxiety for me, I don't want to assume your situation) makes me want to CTB more, but simultaneously makes me largely incapable of completing the needed preparations and the suicide itself.
I'm just getting out of my latest depressive episode now, it started letting up a few hours ago. While I feel less of an urgency to die, I'm still planning to CTB, and feel wayyy more cognitively competent and energized to do what I need to do

 

[DefinitelyReady]

The original point of my profile journal posts was to document my CTB planning process but after over 160 days I've made almost no progress in my plans outside of scouting some locations. I think I'm just overly lazy and anxious which adds to me wanting to die but if I were to actually work on these faults of mine then rather than live for the better I would likely find it easier to just CTB instead.

That said, my plans mainly involve 1) Finishing my note, 2) Creating some more personalized notes or recordings for specific people, 3) Deleting my internet history, 4) Setting up a will, 5) Devising a checklist for my actual regiment, and finally 6) actually doing it.

Wow. I didn't know that. That's sad :/ Well this depression whatever, doing something, anything, requires the mentality and physicality of someone who was in an accident and is very weak, both mentally and physically. That's what it feels like. Head trauma with cognitive impairments, physical strength diminished, and depressed about not having your full strength in its entirety. Also being robbed of it, and being either having to accept it, or the notion that if you just tried harder, weren't so lazy, you wouldn't feel this way and could have your mind and body back. It's a depressing and infuriating concept. Why bother? No wonder we're lazy. Why fight for 50yrs of misery just to be pummeled everyday, virtually all day, to gain and win nothing. One of many reasons. Certainly not my main one. Sorry your lazy comment just triggered me. But yeah, that's why people get my run-on sentences and walls of text. Take it or leave it.

You're working some big hours it seems; and ctb just seems to be an ex who you want to forget about, and know you should, but can't because there's still appeal and nostalgia (I'll substitute that for peace of mind.) there. So you're chugging on waiting for someone new to make you forget about your "ex." Kind of literally But you're also side-tracked. I got distracted by a dude and didn't know how he fit in with my ctb, and then he'd text or I'd think about him and would forget my goal of ctb momentarily. I forgot about my work crush until now lol. I just turned 18 and he was like 21. Nothing came of it but it sucked lol Wonder if it'd be worse or far less bad now that I'm old Glad I don't have to deal with that actually. That's a special sort of hell.

I completely relate! It's ironic because being in that state (depression and associated anxiety for me, I don't want to assume your situation) makes me want to CTB more, but simultaneously makes me largely incapable of completing the needed preparations and the suicide itself.
I'm just getting out of my latest depressive episode now, it started letting up a few hours ago. While I feel less of an urgency to die, I'm still planning to CTB, and feel wayyy more cognitively competent and energized to do what I need to do

Sorry to hear that. My depression has been through and through. It's the diabolical kind except the only person you're willing to hurt physically is yourself.

People can have suicidal ideation their entire lives. Some it helps them knowing they're not trapped and can "get out" should things get too worse for wear. Hope your episode let's you find a different way.

I don't know quite what you mean by "associated anxiety" unless you just consider it a comorbidity.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Wow. I didn't know that. That's sad :/ Well this depression whatever, doing something, anything, requires the mentality and physicality of someone who was in an accident and is very weak, both mentally and physically. That's what it feels like. Head trauma with cognitive impairments, physical strength diminished, and depressed about not having your full strength in its entirety. Also being robbed of it, and being either having to accept it, or the notion that if you just tried harder, weren't so lazy, you wouldn't feel this way and could have your mind and body back. It's a depressing and infuriating concept. Why bother? No wonder we're lazy. Why fight for 50yrs of misery just to be pummeled everyday, virtually all day, to gain and win nothing. One of many reasons. Certainly not my main one. Sorry your lazy comment just triggered me. But yeah, that's why people get my run-on sentences and walls of text. Take it or leave it.

You're working some big hours it seems; and ctb just seems to be an ex who you want to forget about, and know you should, but can't because there's still appeal and nostalgia (I'll substitute that for peace of mind.) there. So you're chugging on waiting for someone new to make you forget about your "ex." Kind of literally But you're also side-tracked. I got distracted by a dude and didn't know how he fit in with my ctb, and then he'd text or I'd think about him and would forget my goal of ctb momentarily. I forgot about my work crush until now lol. I just turned 18 and he was like 21. Nothing came of it but it sucked lol Wonder if it'd be worse or far less bad now that I'm old Glad I don't have to deal with that actually. That's a special sort of hell.

I don't mind long replies, I'd be one to talk. I suppose burnout could be a better descriptor than laziness, but sometimes even when I feel completely energized I use that time to make sure whatever I'm doing just isn't productive in any way whatsoever. Like just today on my day off instead of doing anything CTB-related or even playing the games I've been meaning to touch, all I did was watch the new Despicable Me movie in theaters, get McDonald's, and went home to lie in bed and rot while scrolling through the internet. If that's not laziness I don't know what is. Many other people have better reasons to even feel burn out and a desire to be lethargic.

CTB does feel like a more distant thought lately even if I'm on this site every day. I'm only sidetracked because there's a fair amount of excitement for future media but other times I wonder if I should just ignore that and let them go unconsumed so that they can never disappoint me.

 

[spentspirit]

I thought I wasn't going to heal at all given how bad of a place I had gotten to, and here I am in near full recovery still planning on ctb.

My 2c, eat really healthily (read: complex meals with a lot of nutrients, and enough protein) and your body will do the rest.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Is anyone on here like me in that they have to essentially "get better" to even plan and execute their Ctb? It's pathetic, but true, in my case. Does this sound like you? Not even being in a "well enough" state so you're literally unabble to carry out your ctb plan?
(I'm not speaking of building up courage, overcoming SI, or fear of failing. Those are not my issues, without getting into specfics.)
How is it affecting you?
What have you done to combat it?
If you dont mind, what's standing in your way that is making it impossible for you to do what you need to, to make sure you finish what you have to, to get done?
It's obvious hard to word this correctly. Having a mush brain and being so scattered is one of many things I need to get under control to work on my tasks toward ctb.
Thanks.

-‐P.S.
Can pm your answer if it's too personal.

Yes, my depression and something I call uncanny valley which I suspect is a form of disassociation/derealization has ruined my capacity to function as an adult. I feel great shame about this because I used to do high level technical work and concentrate for hours. Now the bills are piled up, creditors calling, piles of papers everywhere. Even if I do recover, part of that recovery will have to not only address the root causes but the fallout from the last few years. If people ask me what I do I squirm and basically say "I don't know" because I don't. My brain just stopped working after numerous life altering challenges happened all at once and all during the pandemic.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Yes, executive function is declining.
Depression/anxiety severity is to the point of causing severe psychosomatic pain. While it's in my head (verifiable by brief moments of relief when it seems like people treat me like a human), it is real pain.
Thus to plan at all requires stuff like drugs, alcohol. Extreme anhedonia means motivational music is not gonna work.
Problem is any drugs that work temporarily bring optimism.
I am feeling so shitty that using any substance that might let me get my plans rolling instead that time is the only respite I have, so pretty much veg out.
Then there is the oscillation of comfort from finally putting a foot down, ready to go and die, itself being a sort of respite leading to inaction.
After many, many months, I was finally able to renew my passport though! So a trip to Peru is finally realizable.

 

[sugarb]

Is anyone on here like me in that they have to essentially "get better" to even plan and execute their Ctb? It's pathetic, but true, in my case. Does this sound like you? Not even being in a "well enough" state so you're literally unabble to carry out your ctb plan?
(I'm not speaking of building up courage, overcoming SI, or fear of failing. Those are not my issues, without getting into specfics.)
How is it affecting you?
What have you done to combat it?
If you dont mind, what's standing in your way that is making it impossible for you to do what you need to, to make sure you finish what you have to, to get done?
It's obvious hard to word this correctly. Having a mush brain and being so scattered is one of many things I need to get under control to work on my tasks toward ctb.
Thanks.

-‐P.S.
Can pm your answer if it's too personal.

I wouldn't say it's pathetic- just good strategy. Ex: It's a lot harder to climb over a railing and jump off when you're missing a leg.
This is kinda long but might be helpful.

1. How is it affecting you?

I've been teetering on the precipice of an enormous mental and emotional breakdown for years now. I often heavily disassociate to the point I'll zone out and have a borderline out of body experience, looking at life like it's through a screen or unblinkingly staring at a wall for minutes at a time. Other times I'll go for midnight walks; I often have an urge to do so. I'm not allowed to do that, and if I ever got caught, I'd be under suspicion. My self-care and sleep schedule are generally complete dogshit, and my anxiety interferes with me getting my license (important step for my CTB). I'm also a major bedrotter.

2. What have you done to combat it?

- I let out my negative or weird emotions/thoughts in controlled bursts, and only online or in my (digital) diaries.
- To avoid having breakdowns due to emotional distress and/or making costly missteps, I avoid IRL friendships/relationships and close relationships in general as much as possible.
- I act upbeat as best I can. I'm really bad at smiling and my resting face makes me look like a psycho (especially when disassociating) but I'm pretty good at being boisterous, cheery, and quick with a joke when people actually talk to me, which takes my vibes from "suicide/homicide watch" -> "weird goofy dude".
- Using disassociation/practiced apathy to deal with anxiety/BPD. This has been instrumental in muffling my fear of driving and masking my BPD better; why be anxious with no fear of death and clingy when you don't care if they leave?
- Staring off into the void with music blaring in the dark is suspicious, so I go outside and/or go on walks while doing it instead.
- Distract myself with games/movies/creative activities/etc.
- It's often difficult, but I've never broken down and told anyone IRL how I actually feel.
- in short: I have controlled breakdowns, disguise my symptoms as other things, lie a lot, try to keep up appearances, distract myself, and occasionally lock the fuck in

3. If you dont mind, what's standing in your way that is making it impossible for you to do what you need to, to make sure you finish what you have to, to get done?
Time, a driver's license, and independence. I need time to acquire the license for an ID and so I can drive to a gun store.

 

[thealteredmind]

your brain is doing that on purpose so you are able to survive

stupid brain!

 

[divinemistress36]

Im trying hard to find something to make me more emotionally stable so I can properly plan ctb

 

[Nefera]

I also feel the "brain mush" when I'm going through episodes, to the point I cannot think or plan anything really.

I plan to CTB when I'm stable too so I can be sure as to not make any mistakes or forget something