Venting Genital dysphoria

[Droso]

I hate having a pussy. This thing is so wretched and the physical manifestation of the emotion 'disgust.' Might I even say evil. It feels like one of those monsters from Berserk— malformed and the epitome of ugliness.

It leaks and it weaps. It clenches onto nothing, in hopes of sucking something in, to wrap itself on. It's basically a second mouth full of hunger. And it drools whenever stimulated like an ignorant baby.

It gives me no pleasure. The only sensation it evokes is deep revulsion. Even if it is desperately trying to ask for penetration in the mechanical sense. My brain turns in upon itself whenever the notion of having something violate that disgusting hole crosses it.

It's a congenital wound that never healed because it is supposedly "natural." Something so natural should feel like it belongs to me. But it doesn't. It is a burden, a curse, a weakness.

I despise it.

— —

Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust disgust

Alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien alien

These emotions swirl in my head on repeat. Fuels me with rage. Makes me want to go berserker. But I'm weak, trapped in a tiny fragile body that is supposed to be mine. I can't even begin to release these feelings physically, that would require inhuman amounts of power.

People expect me to live like this. And all I can do is laugh. Laugh until I cry and then laugh again.

In August, that's when I will most likely die. When I'm finally out of the house. And I will no longer have to feel such anguish. No longer feel the pressure of my friends and family to act like everything is ok. No longer trapped in a body that was never mine to begin with.

But for now it plagues me. Every second of every day. Of every breath I take, every action I make, I am reminded of who I am and who I will never be. The only solace I find is deep in my sleep when nothing feels real. Or when I'm wasted on drugs. When my reality has changed and I no longer exist in a way that I am aware of. I only act as a vessel in these moments, deriving pleasure purely off instinct. Not a person. Just another organism.

Surviving and eventually dying.

 

[Dejected 55]

Speaking from the other side of the aisle. If I really sit and ponder my penis, it's a crazy thing. It's either tucked inside or sticking out in the way... and testicles that just kind of hang there and you have to be careful like SUPER careful about accidentally injuring them. And that random and all too often desire to want to stick that penis into someone for sensation. What the hell?

Genitalia is crazy the more you think about them... whether it's yours or someone of the opposite sex... and then that urge to stick one into the other (or wrap one around the other as the case may be)... if you really thought about it like that when having sex, it would either be disgusting or hilarious, maybe both.

 

[Droso]

Speaking from the other side of the aisle. If I really sit and ponder my penis, it's a crazy thing. It's either tucked inside or sticking out in the way... and testicles that just kind of hang there and you have to be careful like SUPER careful about accidentally injuring them. And that random and all too often desire to want to stick that penis into someone for sensation. What the hell?

Genitalia is crazy the more you think about them... whether it's yours or someone of the opposite sex... and then that urge to stick one into the other (or wrap one around the other as the case may be)... if you really thought about it like that when having sex, it would either be disgusting or hilarious, maybe both.

I'm speaking as a trans man. Not a girl who finds her genitals weird. Not a cis person who thinks too hard about their sex and finds it hilarious. But a male trapped in a female's body. Another level of torture. That, in which, every fiber of my being screams that my body is wrong. Incompatible. Suffocating. In such pain that I cannot even describe because it permeates my physical and mental self to the point I know no other feeling.

I vent here, but I am not understood. I vent anywhere, but I am not understood.

I do not want to sit from the opposite of the aisle. I wish I could join you. And even if I attempt to, many others will still segregate and see me as other— not a male. Maybe not female, but also never a male.

I wish people would read this and understand what these emotions are. But it will always come down to weird interpretations such as yours. No offense. But comments like these hurt.

 

[Dejected 55]

Please accept my sincere apology. I did not see anything in your post that indicated transgender, and I am still new enough on the forum that if you have posted elsewhere I obviously have not read enough to pick up on the distinction. I just read it and took it at face value and identified a little bit from a cis male perspective.

That said, while I do know several transgender men and women, I do not know any of them well enough to have that level of a conversation with them... so understanding just what you are trying to describe is, admittedly, beyond my comprehension entirely. But I like to think I can empathize at least with the part of you that is unhappy that people do not see you as who you are and how you want to be seen. And to have a part of yourself that is non-conforming to your identity that you can't seem to change.

I am accepting of people however they want me to accept them. Truly. I admit that I do not always immediately know how that is, and you might have to smack me over the head with it the first time I get things wrong, but I mean no harm by it. So, I am sorry for the misread of your post. I think I understand where you are coming from a little better now, and I get why you are disappointed in how people (like I did) react in hurtful (even if unintended) ways.

I don't know if this helps at all... and it's a story about a male-to-female transition of someone I know... but this is a person I had met as a male and known for a while as a male before she came out and began her transition. So, admittedly it was difficult at first for me to unlearn and be reintroduced to her as she was now finally able to begin expressing herself as being. I don't remember how long it was, maybe a year or so after beginning her transition... I was out somewhere in a waiting area for a thing, and I randomly saw a woman in the room that I thought looked familiar and I thought to myself, "Do I know her?" And then I later saw it was the woman I knew... and I remembered thinking she would probably really like hearing that story because it was an indication that was truly seeing her as she always wanted to be seen.

Anyway, I stumble sometimes... but I'm better at understanding than my first reply would lead you to think. Sorry about that.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I'm speaking as a trans man. Not a girl who finds her genitals weird. Not a cis person who thinks too hard about their sex and finds it hilarious. But a male trapped in a female's body. Another level of torture. That, in which, every fiber of my being screams that my body is wrong. Incompatible. Suffocating. In such pain that I cannot even describe because it permeates my physical and mental self to the point I know no other feeling.

I vent here, but I am not understood. I vent anywhere, but I am not understood.

I do not want to sit from the opposite of the aisle. I wish I could join you. And even if I attempt to, many others will still segregate and see me as other— not a male. Maybe not female, but also never a male.

I wish people would read this and understand what these emotions are. But it will always come down to weird interpretations such as yours. No offense. But comments like these hurt.

I'm a trans woman and I understand you, I'm a woman trapped in a man's body and it makes me absolutely sick to think about it. I've dated 2 trans men in my life and I saw how much they both suffered from their dysphoria . One is gone and the other is constantly on edge and is probably one step from also being gone.

Every trans person I've known has had issues with suicidal behaviors and attempts.
Not a day goes by that I wish that I could end my life because I hate to look in the mirror and see how much I look like a man.
But I'm still here even through all my self hatred.
I understand the emotions I understand why you have them because I too have these same feeling about myself.
You're not alone in this , If you ever need to talk I'm always around on here.