Like many people I have a nasty habit of reading something and having no reaction to it. I grew up on 4chan and commonly saw dead bodies, borderline illegal porn and people mutilating themselves and I thought nothing of it, it was to to another thread... There was always another thread...
Something happened when I found out about genetics, phenotypes and the like... I hurt. Everything I am is controlled by a string of DNA, everything I will ever be is controlled by this string of slop that my dead father and negligence mother passed on... In fact its even worse, I HATE my mother, but due to mitochondrial DNA her essence makes me, more so then even my dad.
We are controlled by such pathetic things, such small insignificant strings of worthless chemicals. Even me talking to you now, my inteligence is defined by my DNA... It makes me sick, it makes me want to hurt myself badly, why am I controlled by this, why am I WHY AM I NOT IN FUCKING CONTROL OF MYSELF!?
Anyway, that 4chan anecdote... I'm not trans, but I have taken an interest in the community, especially 4chan trans people.
At their conception a sperm cell containing XY chromatic formation fertilised an egg... Something that happened in a fraction of a second... Has led to a lifetime of pain and an almost 50 percent suicide attempt rate... Something so small, fast and pure chance... Leads to someone killing them selves 20 to 30 years later.
It makes me angry, it makes me want to scream... The ironic thing... If there is a soul, I reckon (unfoundedly) its in the egg with the mitochondrial DNA, I reckon had another sperm won, then they would be the same soul in a body that matches their gender.
If another sperm won for me... Perhaps I wouldn't be an autistic fuck-up
I hate being controlled by biology, genetics. I hate being a passenger in this body. I hate this flesh. I hate how I cant even trust my own mind because my brain releases chemicals to change my own fucking perception.
I think therefore I am, feels like a lie... I can't even be sure that I think.
I feel your pain and I empathise with you.