Venting General vents

[cookiencream]

I had a random thought, that if I had stepped off the stool by now maggots would be eating my flesh. Instead of feeling relief that wasn't the case I felt...sad, like I had missed out. That's not the first time since my attempt that I regretted not going through with it. In fact, I've yet to feel glad I didn't. I still can't imagine myself living until the end of the year, let alone until old age. The only thing that really keeps the thoughts from going further is the possibility of antidepressants. Either they'll help, do nothing or make it worse. Every answer is acceptable for me in one way or another. Besides I can't attempt again so soon, not after I told my parents. Now I'm on high surveillance. I regret telling them sometimes, I imagine that if I kept it underwraps I could've tried again when I felt more ready but at least with this I can confidently say I tried everything. Either I'll never attempt again or the next one will be my last. The idea of stuff getting better is nice but nothing is as peaceful to me as when I start planning my suicide. I wonder if that'll ever change.

 

[cookiencream]

I think I should turn this into a general vents thread
Honestly right now I couldn't care less what happens to me, whether I live or die. I'm mostly leaning on the dying side but right now I don't care. I deeply regret doing the "right thing" and speaking to someone. Weird right? I just keep thinking that if I kept my mouth shut I could happily attempt and attepmt until I got it right. My prize for living more is death anyway, just a random one that could be extremely painful, violent or slow. I couldn't handle 10 secs of pain/mild discomfort. I feel pathetic. I should have just practiced more and retried later. I keep doing things I don't want to because I think it's the "right thing". I wish I stepped off. The idea of living to my next birthday depresses me.

 

[cookiencream]

Yeah...I don't want to live at all. I'm just trying to make being trapped here not as miserable but I don't want to be here. That's why I don't think I'll ever get "better" I don't want to be here at all. I'm forced to, everyone around me won't let me die and my body won't without a fight. I'm trapped here and I dont want to be. I don't want to be here. Why can't I just be let go? I don't care if it gets better I don't want to be here. I don't care if it's temporary i don't want to be here. Why does no one seem to get that I don't want to be here. I just know there's no point in crying or fighting because I'm trapped. Life feels like a crappy show everyone swears will get better but I don't want to watch it anymore. It could be because I don't think any of this has an inherent value. I just want to disappear. I should've stepped off the stool