RedHates
Professional Victim
- Jun 21, 2023
- 130
I wish I had used this website to rant about the last year. Prolly would have saved my relationship. But I mainly wished I had documented all the pain I went through. I only ever shared the very beginning of my adventure on here. But I think I made it. For now at least.
I was traumatized into having this weird drive for life. I was given an example of how things should be and obsessed over it to the point I adopted that way of life. I had every standard stripped from me. I was beaten by the only person I allowed myself to love. He set such an amazing example of all the things I despised in a counterpart. Whilst at the same time, setting the example of a way of life i had never thought I'd end up following.
This general life motivation has only started December 2024. It's lasted this long. It makes me worry I'll lose it soon. But if I keep it up, it becomes the new standard. And i do know that if i keep this standard, he will love me way wAy more than he ever did. The question is whether I can keep my own standard of cutting off the people who choose violence against me. Parts of me think I can easily stay away. And then I remember why he makes me go feral. I do not get angry. But he makes me furious.
I am thankful for the things he taught me. I just wished he had given me a stable foundation to work off of. I would have gotten to this point way sooner and easier. If he just held me.
Turns out the life im ok with living is one of reason. One of peace. One of good foods. The people that know me understand that I do not believe in violence. That I would do anything before I ever lay a hand on another. I only ever expected that from a SO. Never the rest of the world. The life I live is motivated by the echoing words of "there's no reason not to" so I might as well.
I've had my chronic back pain since 6th grade due to a car accident. Of course being crushed between a pile of tools and the boot of a 200 pound man made my pain worse. But I've found some manageable ways to make it feel better. I noticed that if I do enough during the day, my back doesn't hurt the next day. But if I lay in bed and do nothing, im in excruciating pain the next day.
That's why im kind of hoping that this new job im starting will help me just get out of the house every few days. I know I am capable of doing things now because there's literally zero reason not to right now. I've proven time and time again that I have the skills to be able to lead this life standard I reset. Things are finally peaceful again and im actually enjoying it this time. The best peace is right after the chaos.
But maybe that will change. Maybe I'll do better. Maybe he will ruin my life. Maybe I'll catch the bus. Maybe I'll make it through. Life is a sandbox game. There's genuinely no telling. But there's no reason not to have fun whilst im here. I finally have the freedom to do so.
I was traumatized into having this weird drive for life. I was given an example of how things should be and obsessed over it to the point I adopted that way of life. I had every standard stripped from me. I was beaten by the only person I allowed myself to love. He set such an amazing example of all the things I despised in a counterpart. Whilst at the same time, setting the example of a way of life i had never thought I'd end up following.
This general life motivation has only started December 2024. It's lasted this long. It makes me worry I'll lose it soon. But if I keep it up, it becomes the new standard. And i do know that if i keep this standard, he will love me way wAy more than he ever did. The question is whether I can keep my own standard of cutting off the people who choose violence against me. Parts of me think I can easily stay away. And then I remember why he makes me go feral. I do not get angry. But he makes me furious.
I am thankful for the things he taught me. I just wished he had given me a stable foundation to work off of. I would have gotten to this point way sooner and easier. If he just held me.
Turns out the life im ok with living is one of reason. One of peace. One of good foods. The people that know me understand that I do not believe in violence. That I would do anything before I ever lay a hand on another. I only ever expected that from a SO. Never the rest of the world. The life I live is motivated by the echoing words of "there's no reason not to" so I might as well.
I've had my chronic back pain since 6th grade due to a car accident. Of course being crushed between a pile of tools and the boot of a 200 pound man made my pain worse. But I've found some manageable ways to make it feel better. I noticed that if I do enough during the day, my back doesn't hurt the next day. But if I lay in bed and do nothing, im in excruciating pain the next day.
That's why im kind of hoping that this new job im starting will help me just get out of the house every few days. I know I am capable of doing things now because there's literally zero reason not to right now. I've proven time and time again that I have the skills to be able to lead this life standard I reset. Things are finally peaceful again and im actually enjoying it this time. The best peace is right after the chaos.
But maybe that will change. Maybe I'll do better. Maybe he will ruin my life. Maybe I'll catch the bus. Maybe I'll make it through. Life is a sandbox game. There's genuinely no telling. But there's no reason not to have fun whilst im here. I finally have the freedom to do so.
