Venting Gender Dysphoria Ruined My Life

[Arin]

Realising I'm trans was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I can't go ONE FUCKING DAY without wanting to carve my own chest off with a carving knife. I've developed insomnia highly in part due to the sheer discomfort I feel when lying down, since I'm constantly, nonstop, aware that I have these parasitic fleshy slabs of fat growing on my chest like cancerous tumors. It's genuinely FUCKING UNBEARABLE. I feel like I'm submerged in liquid ice whenever I remember their presence. They're like two swollen ticks draining my will to live from my chest. They're not part of me. It feels so, so wrong, like I've had the body part of a whole different species stitched haphazardly onto my body, and I can't tear it off, no matter how hard I try. I can't even look in any mirrors shirtless because every time I do I want to be sick and usually start fucking crying, like actually physically crying with disgust and grief and despair, because I know they're only going to continue to cling to the flesh of my chest and there's nothing I can fucking do about it. I cannot even move without feeling like I'm about to vomit if my arm brushes against either of the parasites and I'm reminded of their presence.

Some people I know describe dysphoria like wearing shoes on the wrong feet, but that's a million times too tame for what it's actually like. It's more like someone tore off your skin and stitched someone else's back onto you, and it doesn't fit and it feels like the seams are splitting open and you just want to SCREAM from the pain. It's fucking agonising and I'm constantly in pain. I CANNOT EVEN FUCKING LOOK DOWN AT MY OWN BODY WITHOUT CRYING AND WANTING TO THROW UP. It's body horror from a first person perspective. I don't feel human. The body I'm inhabiting is unrecognisable, I don't know who the fuck it is but it surely isn't ME. It's not me. It's wrong.

AND THAT'S JUST ONE FUCKING ASPECT OF IT. Every time I open my mouth to speak, the sound of my voice makes me want to slit my neck so I can never use my vocal cords again. It sounds so, so wrong to have a female voice coming out of my throat; it feels malformed and distorted, like a recording that's had a fucked-up filter layered over it too many times. I don't recognise the sound of my own voice. I don't know what I sound like but it certainly isn't THIS fucking crooked gargling.

Every time I see my face in a mirror or photograph I'm again reminded of the fact that I will never, ever be male. Everything about it screams "FEMALE" for the whole world to see. I look so weak and soft and round, like a new-born baby girl, and it makes me just want to slice it all off it one go and have a red, mangled, bloody slab for a face. Anything's better than this. I'm so disgusted by what I see when I accidentally catch a glimpse of what I look like in a reflection; I'm just hit with an intense sense of shock and revulsion because I know that face isn't mine. It's not me I see, it's my deformed fucking body.

Every damned thing about the body I'm in is wrong. I can't fucking bear it. I feel sick when I remember I have nothing between my legs, just a bleeding wound I will never be able to bring myself to use. It's too repulsive. My height makes me feel like a child in comparison with my male peers, and my fucking, godawful hips are disgustingly wide and shatter any hope I have for my body to ever pass as male. Even my brain has developed wrong - I've been trained to be passive, inoffensive, polite, agreeable, NONE of the things I know I could've been if I'd have just been allowed to be myself as a child, not forced into this fucking cage. I am unmistakeable female, and I want to kill myself for it.

I very likely wouldn't want to CTB if I hadn't been trans. But this fucking realisation has meant that I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be happy. The environment I'm in has made it impossible for me to transition until I'm financially independent, and THAT isn't going to happen any time soon due to my dependency on my parents, who would rather me kill myself than transition. I won't be able to start until I'm probably in my early thirties or late twenties, and by then my body will have been poisoned by female hormones for years to the point of no return. Honestly, thinking about it now, I'm probably ALREADY past the point of no return - if I'd have just started when I was 10 or 11 or 12, maybe I could've prevented the changes and stayed a perfect, flat-chested rectangle, but I'm well past that point now. There is no hope left, no matter what. All I want now is for the suffering to end, so I can just die and stop feeling this pain. I have no future, nor any reasons to continue going. All I need to do now is decide on a method and find the courage to actually CTB for real this time. No more failed or half-hearted attempts. I just want to leave. Thanks.

 

[L'absent]

Reading your words conveys a deep and constant suffering, something that is not only mental but physical, rooted in every moment of your existence. The dysphoria you describe is not just discomfort; it is a perceptual torture, a total sense of estrangement that crushes you every day without respite. It feels like your body was imposed on you, a living prison from which there is no immediate escape. And I understand why this realization makes everything even more unbearable.
The idea that time is working against you, that every passing year makes it harder for you to recognize yourself, is devastating. Not having the ability to act now, to start transitioning when you needed it most, adds an even greater weight to your suffering. The fact that your family environment prevents you from freely choosing your path makes this cage even more suffocating. It's not just the dysphoria crushing you—it's also the feeling of being stripped of any control over your own existence.
But if there's one thing that is certain, it's that time does not erase possibilities. I know that right now everything feels set in stone, that you feel you've passed a point of no return. But the body is not static. Science, medicine, and surgery are constantly evolving, and even if you can't transition now, that does not mean it will be impossible in the future. The agony you are experiencing is real, but it is not the end of the road. It might seem like an empty statement right now, but the mere fact that you are still here, that you have expressed all of this, means that inside you, there is still a spark, even if right now it feels like a faded reflection.
I know that the pain you feel is not something that can simply be "overcome," and I won't tell you that you must hold on at all costs. But before taking any definitive step, consider that the future is not as linear as it seems now. Your pain is deceiving you, making you believe that there is no tomorrow worth living for. But that is not true. Your journey might be slower, more unjust, more frustrating, but as long as you are here, you still have possibilities ahead of you, even if you can't see them yet.
If right now you have no way to access transition in your country, one possibility could be studying abroad. In some countries, such as Italy or other European nations, international students can enroll in the National Health System (SSN) and receive free hormone therapy and surgical procedures, without being financially dependent on their parents. This could give you the opportunity to start your transition without having to answer to anyone, in an environment where you have more autonomy and access to care. If you could convince your family to support you in pursuing studies abroad, you might use it as an opportunity to take control of your own future and begin the journey you desire without having to wait years. Even though it seems like an enormous obstacle now, it could be a path worth exploring.