Story Gather hither please, addicts of any kind

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

Honestly, just looking to have some relatable discussions here. I recently fell back into my addictive personality as a whole and my life is going down the fucking drain (this always happens I go dedicated, hard-worker, totally reliable family/friend assistor, good guy for a couple years then have an especially bad period of psychotic episodes and go back to whatever fucked up fancy I find to my like at the time, then roll into the rest slowly, get out of it after AWHILE and pick up the pieces again, I just take it as going back into the personality not a specific addiction) and while I have never done more drugs than COPIUS amounts of weed as a kid (not in a looong time smelling it even can give me panic attacks now but paired with constant chokings, bleach, beatings by others, and hammers to the head from myself I lost a significant portion of my mental capacity) I have been around hard drugs and dealers (my family) since I was a child and have many other addictions (alcoholism, excessive self harm, ED [binging or restricting&punishing high exercise], and honestly I would call my dissociating, depression, and hallucinations an addiction as well because I just generally have a crippling addiction to suffering and believe I deserve it). Self harm and alcohol are definitely my best ones. I love it, they will always be the best feelings I can possibly achieve in life. I have never (romantically) loved anyone in my life and I am glad because I fear I would still love getting hammered and cutting myself more than them.

Anyway, honestly there is actually no need to read anything above I really just want to talk to some other people about their experiences with addiction (drug, alcohol, or other, literally anything). Anything you guys feel like talking about is find I'm just hoping to open some discussion here if anyone feels like sharing since it seems like there are no active addiction threads that I see. If there are my apologies guys. Also I am obviously not trying to encourage any type of addictive lifestyle, not sure why but I feel the need to add that disclosure lol.

 

[GentleJerk]

I've never been an addict of any drug, even when I used to smoke bulk weed, but I've explored the realm of substances and I can at least drop a comment.

It's hard when you've been around drugs all your life, and spent so much time indulging in them because they were interesting, had meaning or provided relief once upon a time. TFW when you try to do those normal things again that every body else seems to be satisfied with, only to find that they are all somewhat shallow and meaningless.

I want to be super excited about it all, I want to be part of the buzz again but I'm just not. Drugs turned ugly or got boring but what is all this other crap everybody is getting so amped about? A new batman movie? Discounts on my favorite pizza delivery? Another video game or console with better graphics? Maybe they need to manufacture hype to sell products and if the general population lose their infactuation with shit the economy might fall apart, or people would have no distractions from the same harsh reality I seem no longer able to escape from.

But it seems they do need it. People need to be distracted and entertained, made to paw at all these flashy hollow pleasures like a kitten with a ball of yarn, otherwise they might end up in the way of important people doing important world domination shit- or get to thinking too much. The Romans called it "bread and circus". The legion would host grand scale gladiator games and entertainments for the commoners while handing out free bread, to fill their stomachs and keep their minds empty.

I feel sort of jealous at times because I used to be like that and I kind of miss it. The word 'woke' is trash and that's certainly not what I am, whatever it's supposed to mean, but where's my blue pill and the pretty woman with the red dress? There is something wrong with me now and it's an alienating and depressing feeling, when old friends come around and they are still as stoked for the new Halo game as we were 20 years ago- and I have to force myself to play along and be entertained while I try to ignore all the monsters lurking in the room.

But all this is inconsequential and as I stare at my abandoned dab rig, I realise it's not even the drugs I've experimented with, but my unrelated chronic illness that is to blame. Since it became more severe, my dopamine and serotonin setup is faulty and I just can't seem to get a hit of the best drug of all, those sweet neurotransmitters that function properly when a person is healthy. If drugs could still get the job done I'd hurt them in an instant. Cruel fate.

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

I've never been an addict of any drug, even when I used to smoke bulk weed, but I've explored the realm of substances and I can at least drop a comment.

It's hard when you've been around drugs all your life, and spent so much time indulging in them because they were interesting, had meaning or provided relief once upon a time. TFW when you try to do those normal things again that every body else seems to be satisfied with, only to find that they are all somewhat shallow and meaningless.

I want to be super excited about it all, I want to be part of the buzz again but I'm just not. Drugs turned ugly or got boring but what is all this other crap everybody is getting so amped about? A new batman movie? Discounts on my favorite pizza delivery? Another video game or console with better graphics? Maybe they need to manufacture hype to sell products and if the general population lose their infactuation with shit the economy might fall apart, or people would have no distractions from the same harsh reality I seem no longer able to escape from.

But it seems they do need it. People need to be distracted and entertained, made to paw at all these flashy hollow pleasures like a kitten with a ball of yarn, otherwise they might end up in the way of important people doing important world domination shit- or get to thinking too much. The Romans called it "bread and circus". The legion would host grand scale gladiator games and entertainments for the commoners while handing out free bread, to fill their stomachs and keep their minds empty.

I feel sort of jealous at times because I used to be like that and I kind of miss it. The word 'woke' is trash and that's certainly not what I am, whatever it's supposed to mean, but where's my blue pill and the pretty woman with the red dress? There is something wrong with me now and it's an alienating and depressing feeling, when old friends come around and they are still as stoked for the new Halo game as we were 20 years ago- and I have to force myself to play along and be entertained while I try to ignore all the monsters lurking in the room.

But all this is inconsequential and as I stare at my abandoned dab rig, I realise it's not even the drugs I've experimented with, but my unrelated chronic illness that is to blame. Since it became more severe, my dopamine and serotonin setup is faulty and I just can't seem to get a hit of the best drug of all, those sweet neurotransmitters that function properly when a person is healthy. If drugs could still get the job done I'd hurt them in an instant. Cruel fate.

Honestly yeah that at all checks out. I totally understand and have from a very young age that I am trying to do exactly that,.. using self harm (my major addiction) to make my self stop thinking too hard about all the fucked up shit and I do think that's why many people indulge in the addiction causing vices that they do. Its ridiculous because obviously I should have (and when I'm functioning very much and avidly do) spend my life trying to do something about it all but once you are to a point that you realize all the shit going on, and the suffering that each individual, human and other, endures and is often unable to even express you just start to shut down. I don't agree with a defeatist/ attitude or society as I think it is just an out from enacting societal change and putting in the hard work that we should as a species to right our wrongs (ya know by saying oh there's nothing we can do now its too late) but I do honestly agree that the human mind was not built to think in such broad and large ways (like how will my actions affect an entire planet, will donating a shirt with a hole in the armpit cost a 'garbage sales man' in Africa when he buys the bundles with my shirt in it and can't sell it?, would it be better to let it rot in a landfill and poison the earth? every minor decision triggering the burden of what is the right action for an entire planet) and while we must do it anyway I think that is why people turn to the escapism that we do.

Also I can relate with the chronic pain, I've had pancreatitis 3 times (ironically not from drinking I was 13 the first time I got it), and I have biliary dyskinesia, I am sure it is not entirely comparable to your situation but just I get it man physical pain fucks the mind too and mind pain fucks the physical too.

I've never been an addict of any drug, even when I used to smoke bulk weed, but I've explored the realm of substances and I can at least drop a comment.

It's hard when you've been around drugs all your life, and spent so much time indulging in them because they were interesting, had meaning or provided relief once upon a time. TFW when you try to do those normal things again that every body else seems to be satisfied with, only to find that they are all somewhat shallow and meaningless.

I want to be super excited about it all, I want to be part of the buzz again but I'm just not. Drugs turned ugly or got boring but what is all this other crap everybody is getting so amped about? A new batman movie? Discounts on my favorite pizza delivery? Another video game or console with better graphics? Maybe they need to manufacture hype to sell products and if the general population lose their infactuation with shit the economy might fall apart, or people would have no distractions from the same harsh reality I seem no longer able to escape from.

But it seems they do need it. People need to be distracted and entertained, made to paw at all these flashy hollow pleasures like a kitten with a ball of yarn, otherwise they might end up in the way of important people doing important world domination shit- or get to thinking too much. The Romans called it "bread and circus". The legion would host grand scale gladiator games and entertainments for the commoners while handing out free bread, to fill their stomachs and keep their minds empty.

I feel sort of jealous at times because I used to be like that and I kind of miss it. The word 'woke' is trash and that's certainly not what I am, whatever it's supposed to mean, but where's my blue pill and the pretty woman with the red dress? There is something wrong with me now and it's an alienating and depressing feeling, when old friends come around and they are still as stoked for the new Halo game as we were 20 years ago- and I have to force myself to play along and be entertained while I try to ignore all the monsters lurking in the room.

But all this is inconsequential and as I stare at my abandoned dab rig, I realise it's not even the drugs I've experimented with, but my unrelated chronic illness that is to blame. Since it became more severe, my dopamine and serotonin setup is faulty and I just can't seem to get a hit of the best drug of all, those sweet neurotransmitters that function properly when a person is healthy. If drugs could still get the job done I'd hurt them in an instant. Cruel fate.

Also don't lie about being an addict you peanut butter fiend, you ; P

 

[GentleJerk]

I don't agree with a defeatist/ attitude or society as I think it is just an out from enacting societal change and putting in the hard work that we should as a species to right our wrongs

On a society level I never agreed with it either, but personally I didn't know what it's like firsthand until recently. I used to be on top of my world and everything in it. A friend came around today and tried to mention how everyone is struggling and one needs to get up and force themself to do things, likely because they see me doing less lately. Of course this makes sense and seems obvious, but they aren't psychic enough to know how hard the fight becomes when the pain slowly gets worse everyday and the dysfunction has overtaken all logic. It's not even psychological, because mentally there's a lot I want to do. But physically I'm trapped. It's easy to see me doing not much, but they can't see all the effort I have put in just to keep this elephant balancing on the tightrope.

Also I can relate with the chronic pain, I've had pancreatitis 3 times (ironically not from drinking I was 13 the first time I got it), and I have biliary dyskinesia, I am sure it is not entirely comparable to your situation but just I get it man physical pain fucks the mind too and mind pain fucks the physical too.

That sounds definitely not fun! And I'm not going to say it's not comparable or anything because thats your struggle and it's real.

Also don't lie about being an addict you peanut butter fiend, you ; P

At least it's high end PB and not that cheap nasty stuff they stomp on with canola oil. I can stop anytime if I want. I don't need it. Actually I've got a serious problem hey i need help

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

On a society level I never agreed with it either, but personally I didn't know what it's like firsthand until recently. I used to be on top of my world and everything in it. A friend came around today and tried to mention how everyone is struggling and one needs to get up and force themself to do things, likely because they see me doing less lately. Of course this makes sense and seems obvious, but they aren't psychic enough to know how hard the fight becomes when the pain slowly gets worse everyday and the dysfunction has overtaken all logic. It's not even psychological, because mentally there's a lot I want to do. But physically I'm trapped. It's easy to see me doing not much, but they can't see all the effort I have put in just to keep this elephant balancing on the tightrope.

That sounds definitely not fun! And I'm not going to say it's not comparable or anything because thats your struggle and it's real.

At least it's high end PB and not that cheap nasty stuff they stomp on with canola oil. I can stop anytime if I want. I don't need it. Actually I've got a serious problem hey i need help

Yeah that a serious struggle and it is important not to break yourself or your spirit just trying to be better. What's good for one person isn't good for another, I mostly meant like the societal resignation (ie: no point in doing this or that the planet's already screwed little old me wont make a difference).

Bro its the sunbutter for me, it goes on sale at the dent and bent in my area sometime for like 1.50 but I'm not supposed to have like ANY fat because of my organs sucking X D

 

[AnestheticVoid]

I grew up around a family of addicts. Mainly alcohol and meth (lots of meth). My mother being the only who didn't really do drugs.

Seeing all the crazy stuff that comes with meth people being really weird, talking to ghosts, being overly paranoid. I told myself I'd never do meth or heroin. I started off with cannabis at 13 got into alcohol around 16 and just did cannabis heavy until I was 21. Once I was able to buy my own alcohol I started drinking just as much as I consumed cannabis. At 23 I started doing acid. Fell absolutely in love with that. Did acid multiple days per week for about a year. Then I wanted to try the other psychedelics. Did a lot of research chemicals. Then I found Xanax.. oh man.

Benzos. I felt I cured myself. I was doing so much of it. Would take a bar when I woke up. Take a bar at first break at work. Take a half a bar at lunch then take the other half at last break. Get off work go home and take 1-2 bars washed down with alcohol. Wake up and repeat. One night I forgot my benzos at home so missed my usual work doses and ended up having a seizure at work. That's when everything really changed. I was in my own world and didn't think anyone really knew until that. Ended up regularly having seizures. I used to collect my hospital bands. Had more the 10 of them.

THEN I found ketamine. Ahhh. I found heaven. My true love. She won't do me wrong.. I absolutely LOVED falling into that hole. The experience of just being utterly gone. Dead to reality. It was absolutely beautiful.

Then (lol seeing a pattern here?). I started dating a girl who was really into Adderall. Got hooked on that shit. Never enjoyed stims, tried a coke a few times but didn't really enjoy it but really enjoyed adderall. Got deathly skinny would stay up for days at time and ultimately went into drug induced psychosis. Then it dawned on me fuck I'm already this far down the rabbit hole I just needed to try PCP. My God.. It's called angel dust for a reason.

Broke my promise to myself to never try heroin tho. Thankfully I just didn't really enjoy it. Had taken Vicodin and such opiates just don't do anything for me.

Yeah.. so I've tried almost every substance (I just named the ones that were my staples). If you have an addictive personality from personal experience I'd suggest to anyone to stay away from benzos and PCP. Those two substances really destroyed me.

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

I grew up around a family of addicts. Mainly alcohol and meth (lots of meth). My mother being the only who didn't really do drugs.

Seeing all the crazy stuff that comes with meth people being really weird, talking to ghosts, being overly paranoid. I told myself I'd never do meth or heroin. I started off with cannabis at 13 got into alcohol around 16 and just did cannabis heavy until I was 21. Once I was able to buy my own alcohol I started drinking just as much as I consumed cannabis. At 23 I started doing acid. Fell absolutely in love with that. Did acid multiple days per week for about a year. Then I wanted to try the other psychedelics. Did a lot of research chemicals. Then I found Xanax.. oh man.

Benzos. I felt I cured myself. I was doing so much of it. Would take a bar when I woke up. Take a bar at first break at work. Take a half a bar at lunch then take the other half at last break. Get off work go home and take 1-2 bars washed down with alcohol. Wake up and repeat. One night I forgot my benzos at home so missed my usual work doses and ended up having a seizure at work. That's when everything really changed. I was in my own world and didn't think anyone really knew until that. Ended up regularly having seizures. I used to collect my hospital bands. Had more the 10 of them.

THEN I found ketamine. Ahhh. I found heaven. My true love. She won't do me wrong.. I absolutely LOVED falling into that hole. The experience of just being utterly gone. Dead to reality. It was absolutely beautiful.

Then (lol seeing a pattern here?). I started dating a girl who was really into Adderall. Got hooked on that shit. Never enjoyed stims, tried a coke a few times but didn't really enjoy it but really enjoyed adderall. Got deathly skinny would stay up for days at time and ultimately went into drug induced psychosis. Then it dawned on me fuck I'm already this far down the rabbit hole I just needed to try PCP. My God.. It's called angel dust for a reason.

Broke my promise to myself to never try heroin tho. Thankfully I just didn't really enjoy it. Had taken Vicodin and such opiates just don't do anything for me.

Yeah.. so I've tried almost every substance (I just named the ones that were my staples). If you have an addictive personality from personal experience I'd suggest to anyone to stay away from benzos and PCP. Those two substances really destroyed me.

Wow mate I am really sorry you went through all this an really glad/impressed you have made it this far considering. I actually will try and take that warning in stride as I feel that the fact I have known I had an addictive personality for so long and my fear of it (I don't like to admit I'm scared of shit but I am okay) is the only thing that has kept me away from hard drugs this long. I kind of have always felt heroin is where my life will lead. IDK why other than childhood premonitions and the fact I also love falling into a pit and love making sure I am fucking up and torturing myself at all times.

I don't think I could ever try and hallucinogens as I already experience hallucinations and psychosis garbage and I just don't want that but I do know how high I fly during serious blood loss and I know what comes next for me....

I appreciate the share man I know how it feels to grow up around drug addicts and the...uhm? Life setting? that brings. : / I hope things are going okay-ish (I mean you're here so...lmao) for you now brotha! : P

Also the freaking only girl (or well human of any kind) I've every been interested in was a meth-head (not that I knew that when we became friends) and it is definitely a brutal and vulgar process to watch people you love deteriorate from that one. I think we just got along anyway 'cause I was already fucked in the head for other reasons so we were on each others wave. She suicide/ODed about a week after randomly telling me she never wanted to talk again and moving away so I try not to think about it often but I figured you get the feeling and it's a shame to grow up around that.