NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[human909]

truly something amazing in here ain't it?

 

[Johnzaga23]

When I was a paratrooper and I was anxious to make the jump, The Jump master promised me if my chute failed I could turn it in for a new one.

 

[maniac116]

What's the different between parsley & pussy?
Nobody eats parsley any more

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

They told me to stay positive, so now I just smile through the madness.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

 

[Custos]

Why did Hitler CTB?

Spoiler: Answer

Because the Jews sent him the gas bill

 

[maniac116]

An egg & some bacon walk into a bar.
The bartender say "You'll have to leave...
We don't serve breakfast here!"

 

[futurecorpse]

 

[Custos]

An egg & some bacon walk into a bar.
The bartender say "You'll have to leave...
We don't serve breakfast here!"

How is that gallows humor?

Two chemists walk into a bar, the first chemist says "can I have some aytch too oh please", the second chemist said "can I have some aytch too oh too please". The second chemist dies.

 

[Forveleth]

Not really "Gallows humor" but kind of dark and funny that it exists. A death metal song listing common physical and mental ailments.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

When I asked if I knew how to do the exercise called "suicides" (where you run back and forth) I thought, if I did I wouldn't be her talking to you right now.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What would Martin Luther King Jr. be today if he was white?

Alive.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Just found this one the other day...

 

[locked*n*loaded]

How do you get a Jewish girl's number?

Roll up her sleeve!

 

[maniac116]

1) A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, "I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!"

2) Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What is the similarity between Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
_______________________________

What's the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?

Only one came out the chamber.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Knock, knock.
(Who's there?)
Little boy blue.
(Little boy blue who?)
Michael Jackson.

______________________________

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

Two hands on your shoulders.

______________________________

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

 

[maniac116]

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

People asked me to explain why I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there because they can't fit under the bed anymore, and I'm too lazy to throw them out.

 

[Daydream Believer]

Why do old men take Viagra?

Because old women are ugly.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but, the second hour is free.

 

[maniac116]

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me." a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

 

[nomoredolor]

good serial killers kill to end ppls suffering.

A girl can dream

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker?

Not only do you get your money back, but, the second hour is free.

I have a whole new level of respect for you


A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…
The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, "We're going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we're in a good mood today will let you choose how you want to die."

The Londoner says, "Well I guess hanging is the easiest way to go." So the cannibals whip up a gallows, and stick his head in the noose. He calls out "God save the queen!", they pull the handle and he falls down through the trap door. Thunk! He's dead.

Next the Parisian says, "Guillotine for me, of course!" The cannibals get to work, assemble a crude but functional guillotine, stick his head in there, he calls out, "Vivre la France! " and chop! Off with his head.

They turn to the New Yorker and ask, "Well, what's it going to be?"

"Bring me a fork," he says.

So they bring him a fork. He takes it and starts stabbing himself all over with it. He's lying there on the ground with blood pouring out of him, and the cannibals say, "What the hell? What a horrible way to die! Are you crazy?"

With his last breath the New Yorker replies, "So much for your god damn canoe!"

 

[maniac116]

Why don't libraries have books about suicide?
They don't get returned.

 

[Daydream Believer]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Biggish
Biggish who?
No thanks, mate.

******


A proper gallows humour punk suicide song by mates of mine.

Living like a moron is such a pissing drag
I'm sick of all the crap that I get from that old bag
She says you gotta make a living son
It's just a fucking joke
Coz living isn't easy when you're young and broke -(and on the dole)

I'm gobbing on Life, I'm taking my Life
Coz, Living is a cliche It's all been done before
Death is the only thing
We've got left to live for

Should I try and hang myself or should I slash me wrists
Or should I just smash myself to death with my fists
It doesn't really matter, let's get it over quick
Coz an overdose of living is making me sick

Chorus -im Gobbing on Life etc

Life is cheap, but death is free
Die, die, die, come die with me.

Don't wanna be cremated or buried in a grave,
Just stuff me in a plastic bag and leave me on the pave -ment
A prisoner to you modern world your great society
I'm just another victim of your high rise fantasy.

I'm gobbing on life etc..

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]