I've been kinda depressed and had ideations ever since I was a little kid. It consumed for most of my childhood and teenage years. I thought after highschool I would have killed myself since I wouldn't have been forced to socialized. I lied to myself for so many years due to being undiagnosed with many things that I somehow liked being lonely, that it was just who I was (like accepting that I was an introvert but really it was just symptoms of my autisim and difficulty with socializing n such.) It felt like I was only not finally letting go and giving into it all because the force socialization was distracting me from "the truth."
But by the end of highschool I had a partner and friends and I realized that the forced socialization wasn't distracting me but saving me from what I thought was the truth (but was really something in my brain making it feel so believable and correct. its so easy for it to feel like the truth.) I've been putting in an effort over the past few years to fight this, thats what I'm supposed to do right? I decided I didn't want it to win. I knew my issues were pushing people i cared about away, I put effort into becoming a better partner and trying to be a better friend. But somehow.. its just. everything just keeps getting worse. so so much worse.
I stopped doing things that are known to cause misery like I stopped using social media, I stopped keeping up with the news everyday and I've been avoiding drama channels and looking into controversey. I tried to provide ways to accomidate for my disabilities and I made an effort to have stuff to look forward to. I worked out stuff with my partner and friends so I could allow myself to feel safe and i truely did trust them. I had a job at one point, but even though I had to leave it due to my health declining i was still making myself go outside to play pokemon go and pikmin bloom. I've spend so many years putting in an active effort to advocate for myself, communicate, to build my confidence back up from nothing. I spent so long with therapists and psychs convincing myself I'm not a leech, that my issues are real. that I'm not a big fat liar.
Yet. I'm in a worse place than I was when I was in school. so much worse. I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I can feel it progressing in my mind, I'm losing my emotions, my joy. I can't feel as happy as i used to about my interests. I used to have a high libido but that has left me. I used to get crushes soo easily and feel so many things. I would use my feelings on fictional characters/celebs as escapisim. But now I feel nothing but fear and misery. Any positive emotion is substantially dulled from what it used to be and its just a sore reminder everytime I feel an ounce of positivity.
My partner, who I spent so much effort allowing myself to trust and feel safe with, has broken me. With small pressure from their family and new online friends they now act so coldly to me and I don't understand why. They act as if my suffering has been manipulative, as if i have been lying about my issues. Which, with imposter symdrome, it take me years to even accept that something might be a real issue. Now im back to being leech #1, everyone IRL thinks im not trying hard enough to get and keep a job despite some of them being witness to my agony and disability, its like it get wiped from their mind and they use my vunerability to torture me. Having a job is the only thing that will make me have any value to these people, thats all that matters. As my health chained me down more, the able I am to be able to even bounc back from this. I literally need someone to rely on, my disabilies make me feel like a parasite desprate for a host. I've been trying to apply for SSI benefits for years because this was the only hope i had for having any sort of income to support myself and for fighting against homelessness. It seems like my time has just about run out though. Its suddenly a good idea for the people in my life to throw a physically disabled afab out on the streets.
I don't know what im going to do. despite how hard i fought the misery in my life, it feels like everything is trying 10 fold to take me down. and I'm so tired. I feel like i've done everything I've can, theres no programs to save me, and I'm no longer able to save myself (in the phsyical sense.) No amount of coping is going to save me from what comes next. The best I got is 2 weeks in the clinic and thats it. I've been searching high and low for programs and benefits but the only hope i had was disability. For the first time since I was a kid, I find comfort in the thought of giving up and leaving this world. It feels like getting it over with myself would be merciful to myself and the people I've been a leech to, compared to continuing to watch them grow to despise me and experiencing life on the streets. I feel so sick, and scared. Why has it come to this. I just wanted to feel safe and loved and I fought so hard to get better just for my efforts to be for nothing. soorry if this is a mess/vauge and for all the mispellings I cant spare the effort to edit this, Im so drained. fuck. its not fair. its not fair.
My only hope is that some how I'm accepted for disability soon but the chances of that happening soon are soo low, it might take months to see a judge. Even then, once i have disability and if im able to get a place of my own with it, my partner will leave me. the only real IRL support i had will be finally gone. Why does it feel like my end was set in stone from the begining. Even when I was fighting it and ignoring these ideations, I've always felt this doom in my mind that my end was near. that probably just my anxiety or whatever but it just makes me feel so small, as if time has this grand plan for me to just. suffer. It's hard to ignore what feels like the universe telling me to give up. I'm being squished under its thumb and I don't know how much longer i can take it. I've been running on fumes for so long, trying to claw back the person i used to be. It feels like that person is never coming back. All my fighting for nothing. Even worse, this is going to hurt more people than it wouldve if i just gave up in highschool. hh im writing so much bullshit here sorry if its cheesy im just spewing so much all over this. this is my first time posting here so i probably unintentionally broke some rule and this is going to get deleted anyways i dont know hhh
But by the end of highschool I had a partner and friends and I realized that the forced socialization wasn't distracting me but saving me from what I thought was the truth (but was really something in my brain making it feel so believable and correct. its so easy for it to feel like the truth.) I've been putting in an effort over the past few years to fight this, thats what I'm supposed to do right? I decided I didn't want it to win. I knew my issues were pushing people i cared about away, I put effort into becoming a better partner and trying to be a better friend. But somehow.. its just. everything just keeps getting worse. so so much worse.
I stopped doing things that are known to cause misery like I stopped using social media, I stopped keeping up with the news everyday and I've been avoiding drama channels and looking into controversey. I tried to provide ways to accomidate for my disabilities and I made an effort to have stuff to look forward to. I worked out stuff with my partner and friends so I could allow myself to feel safe and i truely did trust them. I had a job at one point, but even though I had to leave it due to my health declining i was still making myself go outside to play pokemon go and pikmin bloom. I've spend so many years putting in an active effort to advocate for myself, communicate, to build my confidence back up from nothing. I spent so long with therapists and psychs convincing myself I'm not a leech, that my issues are real. that I'm not a big fat liar.
Yet. I'm in a worse place than I was when I was in school. so much worse. I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I can feel it progressing in my mind, I'm losing my emotions, my joy. I can't feel as happy as i used to about my interests. I used to have a high libido but that has left me. I used to get crushes soo easily and feel so many things. I would use my feelings on fictional characters/celebs as escapisim. But now I feel nothing but fear and misery. Any positive emotion is substantially dulled from what it used to be and its just a sore reminder everytime I feel an ounce of positivity.
My partner, who I spent so much effort allowing myself to trust and feel safe with, has broken me. With small pressure from their family and new online friends they now act so coldly to me and I don't understand why. They act as if my suffering has been manipulative, as if i have been lying about my issues. Which, with imposter symdrome, it take me years to even accept that something might be a real issue. Now im back to being leech #1, everyone IRL thinks im not trying hard enough to get and keep a job despite some of them being witness to my agony and disability, its like it get wiped from their mind and they use my vunerability to torture me. Having a job is the only thing that will make me have any value to these people, thats all that matters. As my health chained me down more, the able I am to be able to even bounc back from this. I literally need someone to rely on, my disabilies make me feel like a parasite desprate for a host. I've been trying to apply for SSI benefits for years because this was the only hope i had for having any sort of income to support myself and for fighting against homelessness. It seems like my time has just about run out though. Its suddenly a good idea for the people in my life to throw a physically disabled afab out on the streets.
I don't know what im going to do. despite how hard i fought the misery in my life, it feels like everything is trying 10 fold to take me down. and I'm so tired. I feel like i've done everything I've can, theres no programs to save me, and I'm no longer able to save myself (in the phsyical sense.) No amount of coping is going to save me from what comes next. The best I got is 2 weeks in the clinic and thats it. I've been searching high and low for programs and benefits but the only hope i had was disability. For the first time since I was a kid, I find comfort in the thought of giving up and leaving this world. It feels like getting it over with myself would be merciful to myself and the people I've been a leech to, compared to continuing to watch them grow to despise me and experiencing life on the streets. I feel so sick, and scared. Why has it come to this. I just wanted to feel safe and loved and I fought so hard to get better just for my efforts to be for nothing. soorry if this is a mess/vauge and for all the mispellings I cant spare the effort to edit this, Im so drained. fuck. its not fair. its not fair.
My only hope is that some how I'm accepted for disability soon but the chances of that happening soon are soo low, it might take months to see a judge. Even then, once i have disability and if im able to get a place of my own with it, my partner will leave me. the only real IRL support i had will be finally gone. Why does it feel like my end was set in stone from the begining. Even when I was fighting it and ignoring these ideations, I've always felt this doom in my mind that my end was near. that probably just my anxiety or whatever but it just makes me feel so small, as if time has this grand plan for me to just. suffer. It's hard to ignore what feels like the universe telling me to give up. I'm being squished under its thumb and I don't know how much longer i can take it. I've been running on fumes for so long, trying to claw back the person i used to be. It feels like that person is never coming back. All my fighting for nothing. Even worse, this is going to hurt more people than it wouldve if i just gave up in highschool. hh im writing so much bullshit here sorry if its cheesy im just spewing so much all over this. this is my first time posting here so i probably unintentionally broke some rule and this is going to get deleted anyways i dont know hhh
