Funniest jokes you know

[Alcal]

Hi everyone,

What are the funniest jokes you know?

A couple of my favourites are...

. I just accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
. One time I was at the park wondering why does a Frisbee keeps looking bigger the closer it gets to you. And then it hit me.
. Call me an archaeologist because my life's in ruins.
. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they're not laughing now.
."I went on a once in a lifetime holiday ... I'll tell you what, never again".
.I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
. Velcro… what a ripoff
. I was reading this book today, 'The History of Glue' and I couldn't put it down

In times when we're most at need and finding life difficult I find it best to surround myself with jokes- it helps to make the days go quicker. :)

 

[mattwitt]

Here's 3 of them...

 

[netrezven]

3 guys on an iland. The leader of the tribe gives me 2 options - Huba Buba (being fucked by all the members) or death. The first two choosed Huba Buba and diead after all. So the 3rd one has chosen death. The the leader said "You die with Huba Buba". :)

 

[Epsilon0]

Here's something funny:

 

[Thereisnothing]

Here's 3 of them...

Love it

 

[Sensei]

I used to be addicted to rolling around in pig shit. I've been clean for two years now.

 

[Mrs.O'Leary'sCow]

A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on a beach when he spots three Playboy bunnies walking by. They feel bad for him so they try to cheer him up.
The first Playboy bunny walks up to him and says; "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head no, so she gives him a hug. The second Playboy bunny approaches and asks "Have you ever been kissed?" The man shakes his head no, so she kisses him. The third Playboy bunny walks over and asks "Have you ever been fucked?" The man smiles as he shakes his head no, so the Playboy bunny picks him up and throws him into the sea, shouting "Well you're fucked now!"

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are laying in a feild, looking at the sky. Sherlock goes "my friend, Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you can tell."
Dr Watson thinks for a bit and answers "I can see a night full of stars. Millions. Each of them could be quite similar to our own, and if one is quite similar to our own, then one must have life on it like our own, and yet we have not been contacted since the beginning of our time. We must be quite nefarious if other life doesn't want to make contact, Mr Holmes."
Sherlocks turns to Watson and frowns "somebody stole our tent, you dunce!"

 

[silent staring void]

Here's a long one.

Spoiler

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."

 

[bigoutfit]

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

You Poke him on.... yeah I am obsessed

Gets coat

 

[Epsilon0]

 

[ctbUniquectb]

life

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

I don't know about funniest, but these are two of my favourites:

A boy is playing in his mothers bedroom when he hears a noise from outside, so he quickly hides inside the cupboard. In come his mother with a man, kissing passionately before having sex on the bed. But, before long, the boy's father comes home and the mother hides the man in the same cupboard as the boy.
The boy says, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
The man responds nervously, "Yup"
"You know, I have a baseball bat." Says the boy.
"Why should I care?"
"You know my dad is outside, right?"
"How much do you want?!"
"500$" The man pays him his money and the boy keeps his mother's secret, helping the man escape with his new baseball bat. The next day, the boy is playing in his mothers bedroom when his mother comes in with the same man and the boy hides in the same cupboard. Before long, the boy's father comes home and the man hides in the same cupboard with the boy.
"Dark in here, isn't it?" Says the boy.
"Yup" Says the man.
" You know, I also have a baseball glove." Says the boy.
"How much do you want?" The man says in a resigned tone.
"500$"
So the boy once again helps the man escape with his brand new baseball glove. The next day, though, the boy's father asks him if he wants to play some baseball.
"Can't dad, I sold my baseball kit."
"For how much, son?"
"1000$"
"That's horrible son! Overpricing your friends like that! Shame on you! I'm taking you to church to confess!"
So he does. He takes him to church and takes him right up to the confession booth and he stands outside to make sure the boy doesn't chicken out. The boy enters, looks around, then sits down on the hard wooden bench and says to the priest, "Dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start with that shit again!"


A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tuxedo, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.
When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and gets some punch.

 

[silent staring void]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tuxedo, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.
When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and gets some punch.

Took me forever to understand this goddamn joke

 

[Oyoy]

Took me forever to understand this goddamn joke

I wish I got it!!! Please explain. Is it just that it took forever??

 

[silent staring void]

I wish I got it!!! Please explain. Is it just that it took forever??

You were probably expecting a...

Spoiler

punch line

 

[Mr2005]

Me

 

[Deleted member 1496]

Funniest joke I know can remember at this late hour:

Knock, knock.​

Who's there?​

To.​

To who?​

To WHOM!​

 

[Oyoy]

What is Beehtoven doing?



Decomposing


How manymy dead heads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Dead heads don't screw in lightbulbs they screw in tents!

 

[Sensei]

 

[Oyoy]

NSFW



How do you get southern girls to give you head?

Put ranch on it.