Venting Fundamentally Broken- no passion, hobbies, interests or ambition completely bored with life

[Worthless_nobody]

This is just another reason I want to ctb on top of my long list...I feel fundamentally broken compared to everyone else. I have absolutely no passion, hobbies, interests or ambition. I'm throughly bored with life..my head is like a void. I have always been like this too even since childhood (although chronic exposure to trauma and abuse probably plays a big part). I could never pick a carerer I was "passionate" about and I have always had terrible jobs I can't hold on to anyway. And that's another thing... everyone always says "your just bored because you need a job..find something you love doing"...that's just not true for me. I have never been interested in anything. I'm bored with life itself a job has never fixed this and never will. I would give anything to just normal and plod along in life no questions asked.

Then this issue of "purpose and meaning" in life. I have never had a purpose and definitely no meaning in life. Purpose and meaning in life are all artificially derived and the usual "go to school, get job, get married, have kids" to get purpose and meaning out of life means nothing to me....I could care less...that's not a "life" worth participating in (for me). Sure I have maybe one or 2 hopes or goals but they are proving to be impossible because lots of money is needed to obtain these things.

I have permanent anhedonia from taking an ssri for years but I think my issue with life is deeper than that...I just don't enjoy life and I probably never will.

I just feel so alienated in these thoughts..there is literally nothing I care about seeing or doing in life. I miss being innocent and naive before I learned what life really is. Knowledge and wisdom are the killers of happiness. Life is just a means to and end..we live to work to die. I feel like this is just a me thing it seems everyone else can find some enjoyment out of life....I guess that's what repeated abuse and trauma do to the brain because Im just broken beyond repair.

Not looking for advice on how to fix this because I'm a lost cause but just wondered if anyone else feels same.

 

[airboy_a380]

This is just another reason I want to ctb on top of my long list...I feel fundamentally broken compared to everyone else. I have absolutely no passion, hobbies, interests or ambition. I'm throughly bored with life..my head is like a void. I have always been like this too even since childhood (although chronic exposure to trauma and abuse probably plays a big part). I could never pick a carerer I was "passionate" about and I have always had terrible jobs I can't hold on to anyway. And that's another thing... everyone always says "your just bored because you need a job..find something you love doing"...that's just not true for me. I have never been interested in anything. I'm bored with life itself a job has never fixed this and never will. I would give anything to just normal and plod along in life no questions asked.

Then this issue of "purpose and meaning" in life. I have never had a purpose and definitely no meaning in life. Purpose and meaning in life are all artificially derived and the usual "go to school, get job, get married, have kids" to get purpose and meaning out of life means nothing to me....I could care less...that's not a "life" worth participating in (for me). Sure I have maybe one or 2 hopes or goals but they are proving to be impossible because lots of money is needed to obtain these things.

I have permanent anhedonia from taking an ssri for years but I think my issue with life is deeper than that...I just don't enjoy life and I probably never will.

I just feel so alienated in these thoughts..there is literally nothing I care about seeing or doing in life. I miss being innocent and naive before I learned what life really is. Knowledge and wisdom are the killers of happiness. Life is just a means to and end..we live to work to die. I feel like this is just a me thing it seems everyone else can find some enjoyment out of life....I guess that's what repeated abuse and trauma do to the brain because Im just broken beyond repair.

Not looking for advice on how to fix this because I'm a lost cause but just wondered if anyone else feels same.

I could copy this and make it my own words, I feel exactly the same way, word by word like you wrote.

 

[MyLifeMyChoice]

I too relate with you. I have been like this since I was young. Physical abuse and humiliation ruined my childhood too.

The human body sucks, with weak points scattered all over it and low pain tolerance as compared to many animals making it super easy for you to get bullied/beaten-up and even take injuries that cripple you for life. And then there is the big brain, which allows us to get complex mental disorders, get existential crisis, and get depression. The world sucks, and I do not even need to explain why it does. It feels like this world is not for me.

 

[mopeyD]

Same. I realize now I don't necessarily suffer from depression but I suffer from being a pathetic loser. Even on meds, I am talentless, socially awkward, incompetent, have no hobbies, ambitions or interests, have nothing to contribute in conversation. I don't know if that relates exactly for u but you're def not alone in how u feel. Is this kind of life worth living?

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Same. I realize now I don't necessarily suffer from depression but I suffer from being a pathetic loser. Even on meds, I am talentless, socially awkward, incompetent, have no hobbies, ambitions or interests, have nothing to contribute in conversation. I don't know if that relates exactly for u but you're def not alone in how u feel. Is this kind of life worth living?

Oh yes I forgot to mention my horrible horrible social skills and anxiety in any social setting. That's another reason I don't fit in life. Yes I definitely relate. Drs tried putting me on meds and it never helped it made things worse really because of side effects. I'm definitely not depressed because of "lack of serotonin in my brain" or whatever Drs say to brush off patients. It's purely situational and a life full of bad circumstances...and the fact that I'm just broken and life isn't for me.

 

[Final Escape]

This is just another reason I want to ctb on top of my long list...I feel fundamentally broken compared to everyone else. I have absolutely no passion, hobbies, interests or ambition. I'm throughly bored with life..my head is like a void. I have always been like this too even since childhood (although chronic exposure to trauma and abuse probably plays a big part). I could never pick a carerer I was "passionate" about and I have always had terrible jobs I can't hold on to anyway. And that's another thing... everyone always says "your just bored because you need a job..find something you love doing"...that's just not true for me. I have never been interested in anything. I'm bored with life itself a job has never fixed this and never will. I would give anything to just normal and plod along in life no questions asked.

Then this issue of "purpose and meaning" in life. I have never had a purpose and definitely no meaning in life. Purpose and meaning in life are all artificially derived and the usual "go to school, get job, get married, have kids" to get purpose and meaning out of life means nothing to me....I could care less...that's not a "life" worth participating in (for me). Sure I have maybe one or 2 hopes or goals but they are proving to be impossible because lots of money is needed to obtain these things.

I have permanent anhedonia from taking an ssri for years but I think my issue with life is deeper than that...I just don't enjoy life and I probably never will.

I just feel so alienated in these thoughts..there is literally nothing I care about seeing or doing in life. I miss being innocent and naive before I learned what life really is. Knowledge and wisdom are the killers of happiness. Life is just a means to and end..we live to work to die. I feel like this is just a me thing it seems everyone else can find some enjoyment out of life....I guess that's what repeated abuse and trauma do to the brain because Im just broken beyond repair.

Not looking for advice on how to fix this because I'm a lost cause but just wondered if anyone else feels same.

You sound exactly like me. I don't know how to fix it that's why I'm here. It's even worse when u are like middle age.
It's probably the childhood vaccines we recieved. It killed off desire, motivation, ability to stick with stuff lol!

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Then this issue of "purpose and meaning" in life. I have never had a purpose and definitely no meaning in life. Purpose and meaning in life are all artificially derived and the usual "go to school, get job, get married, have kids" to get purpose and meaning out of life means nothing to me....I could care less...that's not a "life" worth participating in (for me). Sure I have maybe one or 2 hopes or goals but they are proving to be impossible because lots of money is needed to obtain these things.

My story is a little different. I found my purpose and meaning in life. It was the only thing that kept me going, actually - knowing I had some part to play in this world that was uniquely mine. Then it was taken away from me in one of the cruelest ways possible. Now, without purpose, or joy, or comfort - this is how I know it's time to go.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

My story is a little different. I found my purpose and meaning in life. It was the only thing that kept me going, actually - knowing I had some part to play in this world that was uniquely mine. Then it was taken away from me in one of the cruelest ways possible. Now, without purpose, or joy, or comfort - this is how I know it's time to go.

Sending hugs. I relate to that. Had one event been different in my life I actually would have had a purpose...or a reason to live and get up and keep trying and fighting through life. But life was cruel and took this from me..I can't get over the trauma and the loss.

 

[agentgeez]

I feel very similarly, and although I do wish I knew the exact cause of this and what's going on in my brain, it doesn't matter to me anymore. I've decided on suicide as the ultimate solution already, and unless my brain changes very suddenly and I gain some sort of passion, it's impossible to sustain a life like this. I know they can't understand and that they mean well, but it is frustrating when I have a discussion about careers with someone and they say "Well, you must like something!". No one can accept that this is how I am, and they begin to probe for little things I like, as if because I sometimes play games, I want to become a programmer. But they are better than those who imply that not liking anything is my fault, and that to like something they had to work for it, which makes no sense because I would simply train myself to like my current situation. I've done 'challenging' things before so I've experienced both sides, and I know that you have to be fueled by something. It's unfortunate that no matter what we say it sounds like empty excuses, but trust me, I know how you feel.

 

[woxihuanni]

I can relate in a roundabout way. I do have passions, etc. But I am so continuously forced to justify my existence through these, especially very high-brow stuff, that soon I come to loathe all of them. I would only really enjoy anything if I was allowed to exist without coming up with some mind-blowing scientific thing at every meal. And no, that is not a joke. The only way I am allowed to have any conversation is if I cook (about ten min while we eat) AND if I have learnt new amazing things. Conversation is not allowed to lead up to what those amazing things make me/us feel or how they relate the human condition or how they connect with little things in my life, etc. It is not allowed to last longer, continue over drinks, etc. Therefore every snippet is used up in a blink, and I have to supply more. Every time. What this means is that I live around a black hole that sucks diamonds of intellectual effort.

 

[Bruces]

Yeah life means nothing to me now

 

[mopeyD]

I can relate a lot to what everyone is posting. I literally spend 23 hours a day in bed, watching stuff on my phone and feeling awful. I know there's no future and I wish I was dead. But I'm still having trouble CTB. Survival instinct? Fear of pain and dying? I don't know but this is a horrible place to exist: somewhere between wanting to be dead and too scared to do it. But I can't keep living like this as this person. It's unbearable and embarrassing.

 

[RedDEE]

Knowledge and wisdom are the killers of happiness. .

Amen, sister. 10 years ago, I had an LSD trip that opened up my mind - and I decided I wanted to understand life, and the meaning of life. I studied Buddhism, and other religions, along with philosophy. I wanted to unveil the mysteries of the universe. I did yoga, meditation, research, chanting, mantras - everything.

That was 10 years ago, and I accomplished what I set out to do. I actually uncovered the deep secrets of reality. I have obtained the highest wisdom a human being can possibly have, for real. Ready for it? It's so simple, it was right before my eyes the whole time.

The secret of reality, life, and everything, is this - Life sucks and then you die.

That's it. You live one life, suffer your whole life, and then die and have eternal peace. When you die, there is nothing at all. No vision, no hearing, no feeling. No darkness, no light. Which sounds a little scary - but it's peace.

All forms are defiled. Life is defiled. Every sound you hear disrupts the beautiful peace of silence. In this life, it is better to be blind and deaf.

After you die, you enter a state of complete purity. A state of formlessness. A state of silence. A state of complete and utter peace, forever.

 

[Shiro20]

I have the same opinion about life, it just sucks cause you need to be a certain type of person just to fit in society and have goals and that shit. I just have one goal right now but feels impossible to achieve mostly cause I'm trapped in fears so... Better to die

I can relate a lot to what everyone is posting. I literally spend 23 hours a day in bed, watching stuff on my phone and feeling awful. I know there's no future and I wish I was dead. But I'm still having trouble CTB. Survival instinct? Fear of pain and dying? I don't know but this is a horrible place to exist: somewhere between wanting to be dead and too scared to do it. But I can't keep living like this as this person. It's unbearable and embarrassing.

Same with me it feels horrible

 

[Notmadeforthislife]

Im just broken beyond repair.

I have often used that exact phrase to describe myself. I don't have any hobbies or ambitions either. I don't enjoy anything and I don't have any drive to do anything. I live with fear, dread, and depression. I can't escape it and I don't see it getting any better.

 

[agentgeez]

I can relate in a roundabout way. I do have passions, etc. But I am so continuously forced to justify my existence through these, especially very high-brow stuff, that soon I come to loathe all of them. I would only really enjoy anything if I was allowed to exist without coming up with some mind-blowing scientific thing at every meal. And no, that is not a joke. The only way I am allowed to have any conversation is if I cook (about ten min while we eat) AND if I have learnt new amazing things. Conversation is not allowed to lead up to what those amazing things make me/us feel or how they relate the human condition or how they connect with little things in my life, etc. It is not allowed to last longer, continue over drinks, etc. Therefore every snippet is used up in a blink, and I have to supply more. Every time. What this means is that I live around a black hole that sucks diamonds of intellectual effort.

I really hate the fad of self-improvement and how you have to 'justify' yourself as a person by doing and saying things superficially seen as good. It's as if people see people who are celebrated like artists and scientists and decide that what's important is becoming a person of 'worth', instead of just appreciating things for what they mean to you. It kind of relates to what OP said about "Knowledge and wisdom are the killers of happiness", because when people become aware of something they fixate and 'fetishise' (excuse the weird wording) the idea of it instead of appreciating it on its own. As in, instead of appreciating the scientific facts you say on their own, the fixation is on the idea of these scientific facts and the idea of being someone knowledgeable and accomplished, instead of just doing it because you like it. And it's what leads to situations like these I think, although I don't know your situation well, where people are expected to match this silly ideal because it sounds superficially impressive.

 

[woxihuanni]

I really hate the fad of self-improvement and how you have to 'justify' yourself as a person by doing and saying things superficially seen as good. It's as if people see people who are celebrated like artists and scientists and decide that what's important is becoming a person of 'worth', instead of just appreciating things for what they mean to you. It kind of relates to what OP said about "Knowledge and wisdom are the killers of happiness", because when people become aware of something they fixate and 'fetishise' (excuse the weird wording) the idea of it instead of appreciating it on its own. As in, instead of appreciating the scientific facts you say on their own, the fixation is on the idea of these scientific facts and the idea of being someone knowledgeable and accomplished, instead of just doing it because you like it. And it's what leads to situations like these I think, although I don't know your situation well, where people are expected to match this silly ideal because it sounds superficially impressive.

Quite so. It's all a fetish, in my case it is one of the many ways this superficial loser uses to control me. Not that controlling me brings a lot of pleasure, it is the kill they really are looking forward to.

 

[agentgeez]

Quite so. It's all a fetish, in my case it is one of the many ways this superficial loser uses to control me. Not that controlling me brings a lot of pleasure, it is the kill they really are looking forward to.

I can't imagine having to be 'chained' to someone like that, someone who's supposed to be your spouse. It would make me feel complete despair if I loved someone enough to be with them and the relationship turned into something as twisted as that. I really hope you're able to escape the pain they're causing you, no matter what happens.

 

[woxihuanni]

I can't imagine having to be 'chained' to someone like that, someone who's supposed to be your spouse. It would make me feel complete despair if I loved someone enough to be with them and the relationship turned into something as twisted as that. I really hope you're able to escape the pain they're causing you, no matter what happens.

Thank you for your kind wishes One day I believe I will, if only through death.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Quite so. It's all a fetish, in my case it is one of the many ways this superficial loser uses to control me. Not that controlling me brings a lot of pleasure, it is the kill they really are looking forward to.

This really hits me. I was in an abusive, controlling relationship for years. People in life don't understand the trauma and how worn down someone becomes when they are trapped. I couldn't just leave or I would have been homeless (had been once already almost died) and starved..some of my family still insists I could have "just left"I think a lot of my problem with having no interest in life probably does stem from this person crushing me, and destroying every bit of sanity I had left. I'm so sorry your going through this.

 

[woxihuanni]

This really hits me. I was in an abusive, controlling relationship for years. People in life don't understand the trauma and how worn down someone becomes when they are trapped. I couldn't just leave or I would have been homeless (had been once already almost died) and starved..some of my family still insists I could have "just left"I think a lot of my problem with having no interest in life probably does stem from this person crushing me, and destroying every bit of sanity I had left. I'm so sorry your going through this.

I'm sorry you had to go through something similar Sometimes we cannot just leave, and even if we do, the damage is already done. Though I'm sure we're saner than these creatures despite the torture they inflicted on us.

 

[Existingnotliving]

This is just another reason I want to ctb on top of my long list...I feel fundamentally broken compared to everyone else. I have absolutely no passion, hobbies, interests or ambition. I'm throughly bored with life..my head is like a void. I have always been like this too even since childhood (although chronic exposure to trauma and abuse probably plays a big part). I could never pick a carerer I was "passionate" about and I have always had terrible jobs I can't hold on to anyway. And that's another thing... everyone always says "your just bored because you need a job..find something you love doing"...that's just not true for me. I have never been interested in anything. I'm bored with life itself a job has never fixed this and never will. I would give anything to just normal and plod along in life no questions asked.

Then this issue of "purpose and meaning" in life. I have never had a purpose and definitely no meaning in life. Purpose and meaning in life are all artificially derived and the usual "go to school, get job, get married, have kids" to get purpose and meaning out of life means nothing to me....I could care less...that's not a "life" worth participating in (for me). Sure I have maybe one or 2 hopes or goals but they are proving to be impossible because lots of money is needed to obtain these things.

I have permanent anhedonia from taking an ssri for years but I think my issue with life is deeper than that...I just don't enjoy life and I probably never will.

I just feel so alienated in these thoughts..there is literally nothing I care about seeing or doing in life. I miss being innocent and naive before I learned what life really is. Knowledge and wisdom are the killers of happiness. Life is just a means to and end..we live to work to die. I feel like this is just a me thing it seems everyone else can find some enjoyment out of life....I guess that's what repeated abuse and trauma do to the brain because Im just broken beyond repair.

Not looking for advice on how to fix this because I'm a lost cause but just wondered if anyone else feels same.

Couldn't have said it better