Fuck it

[OnlyWinOnce]

Hey everyone, it's me. I posted on this forum about five-four months ago because I was sad and regretful over what I had done to lose a close friend of two years, about how I wound up becoming too creepy and clingy for them to deal with, and so I inadvertently ruined our relationship. I thought I was ready to turn a new leaf, but now I'm just writing this now to say that I've given up. That person meant so much more to me than anyone else, and now they're gone. I have many other friends to be certain, but I cannot connect with them, and in fact can't stand being around most of them anyway. I will likely never meet another person like my ex-friend in this life, and I am tired of carrying the pain of loss.

God was wrong to have made me; He should have known better—if He even exists anyway. It's always been the same story: I find someone I truly like, we hit it off, I become too attached (jealous even), and our relationship falls apart. I am not destined for deeper connections, and I will always be alone so long as I live. It does not matter if I am empathetic, or polite, or friendly, if in the end I just scare good people away.

My ex-friend is never coming back, and that pain hurts me so much. All I can do is hope they're doing better without me while I lament over the past, wishing things turned out differently. They were so much better than me, anyway, with a better career, other better friends, better intellect, better skills and with a more stable life than mine anyway; they have accomplished so much while I have accomplished so little. That's just me, anyway: 25 years on this planet, with almost nothing to show for it. Maybe it was best for them to cut me off. Who wants a loser hanging onto them, anyway?

I just want to know how I can die now. I would have killed myself years ago, but I live in California where getting a gun is harder than it needs to be with an unnecessary amount of paperwork just to get a fucking pistol; but I want to blow my brains out so much. I am a loser, a mistake, a creepy freak and it's time I rectify this mistake.

There are too many bad people in this world without another one making things worse for everyone else—and now I want to do everyone a favour. I don't care if anyone weeps over me (though they shouldn't), they will move on anyway.

Move on.

Move on.

Move on.

I hate hearing those fucking words so much. I'd like to tell anyone else to go stuff it and see how easy it is to move on after they have lost someone through their own mistakes; you don't. You just deal with it until you can't.

 

[hamvil]

I also hate so much hearing people telling me to move on. I am unable to do it. I keep repeating in my head all the step the brought me here. I see everyday what I could have been and that is painful.

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

I also hate so much hearing people telling me to move on. I am unable to do it. I keep repeating in my head all the step the brought me here. I see everyday what I could have been and that is painful.

It's a stupid shibboleth spoken from a place of privilege from those who have never truly suffered before.

 

[a_dead_mess]

There are too many bad people in this world without another one making things worse for everyone else—and now I want to do everyone a favour

I'm sorry for what you're going through but failing at relationships doesn't mean you are a bad person, at all. we (most suicidal people) self-loathe much more than we should. sometimes one's personality is the problem which is something that's very hard to change.

I wish you the best and I hope you find peace and happiness

 

[catflowers]

im in california im just sn

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but failing at relationships doesn't mean you are a bad person, at all. we (most suicidal people) self-loathe much more than we should. sometimes one's personality is the problem which is something that's very hard to change.

I wish you the best and I hope you find peace and happiness

I don't want to argue with you, but if I were a good person, I would have had the sense not be so fucking clingy. As such, I'm realizing that this life is a curse that should not have been—and it's time to find some way to correct it.

I hate this life. I am not worthy of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's best to take no notice of those people who invalidate/dismiss suffering. Some people simply cannot understand as they are not living the lives of others. It sounds like you have suffered a lot, I understand that it's so dreadful being trapped in a life that is just constant misery. It's so awful how in this life things can easily get so much worse. I hope that you find freedom from what you are going through.

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

It's best to take no notice of those people who invalidate/dismiss suffering. Some people simply cannot understand as they are not living the lives of others. It sounds like you have suffered a lot, I understand that it's so dreadful being trapped in a life that is just constant misery. It's so awful how in this life things can easily get so much worse. I hope that you find freedom from what you are going through.

They're damn idiots and I wish they could suffer, too.

Personally, I want a way out, but there doesn't seem to be one. I'm stuck.

 

[catflowers]

im done im killing myself

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

im done im killing myself

God willing, I'll be joining you soon.

Love the pfp, btw.

 

[a_dead_mess]

I don't want to argue with you, but if I were a good person, I would have had the sense not be so fucking clingy. As such, I'm realizing that this life is a curse that should not have been—and it's time to find some way to correct it.

I hate this life. I am not worthy of it.

I think it'd be better for both of us if we don't turn this into an argument then. I wish you the best

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

I think it'd be better for both of us if we don't turn this into an argument then. I wish you the best

Thanks. I didn't mean to sound combative or argumentative, I know you only meant well and some part of me agrees with what you said earlier.

I'm just tired.

 

[a_dead_mess]

Thanks. I didn't mean to sound combative or argumentative, I know you only meant well and some part of me agrees with what you said earlier.

I'm just tired.

I totally understand and it's ok to feel this way. I wish we could all just have a few "good" days where we don't have to worry about anything. sigh

 

[takemenowpls]

Hey everyone, it's me. I posted on this forum about five-four months ago because I was sad and regretful over what I had done to lose a close friend of two years, about how I wound up becoming too creepy and clingy for them to deal with, and so I inadvertently ruined our relationship. I thought I was ready to turn a new leaf, but now I'm just writing this now to say that I've given up. That person meant so much more to me than anyone else, and now they're gone. I have many other friends to be certain, but I cannot connect with them, and in fact can't stand being around most of them anyway. I will likely never meet another person like my ex-friend in this life, and I am tired of carrying the pain of loss.

God was wrong to have made me; He should have known better—if He even exists anyway. It's always been the same story: I find someone I truly like, we hit it off, I become too attached (jealous even), and our relationship falls apart. I am not destined for deeper connections, and I will always be alone so long as I live. It does not matter if I am empathetic, or polite, or friendly, if in the end I just scare good people away.

My ex-friend is never coming back, and that pain hurts me so much. All I can do is hope they're doing better without me while I lament over the past, wishing things turned out differently. They were so much better than me, anyway, with a better career, other better friends, better intellect, better skills and with a more stable life than mine anyway; they have accomplished so much while I have accomplished so little. That's just me, anyway: 25 years on this planet, with almost nothing to show for it. Maybe it was best for them to cut me off. Who wants a loser hanging onto them, anyway?

I just want to know how I can die now. I would have killed myself years ago, but I live in California where getting a gun is harder than it needs to be with an unnecessary amount of paperwork just to get a fucking pistol; but I want to blow my brains out so much. I am a loser, a mistake, a creepy freak and it's time I rectify this mistake.

There are too many bad people in this world without another one making things worse for everyone else—and now I want to do everyone a favour. I don't care if anyone weeps over me (though they shouldn't), they will move on anyway.

Move on.

Move on.

Move on.

I hate hearing those fucking words so much. I'd like to tell anyone else to go stuff it and see how easy it is to move on after they have lost someone through their own mistakes; you don't. You just deal with it until you can't.

You are right. I lost my wife because of the things I did. I will never get her back after 19 of marriage. Friends say move on. Like you I HATE those words. You can't just turn off feeling. I want to leave this place so bad.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Hey everyone, it's me. I posted on this forum about five-four months ago because I was sad and regretful over what I had done to lose a close friend of two years, about how I wound up becoming too creepy and clingy for them to deal with, and so I inadvertently ruined our relationship. I thought I was ready to turn a new leaf, but now I'm just writing this now to say that I've given up. That person meant so much more to me than anyone else, and now they're gone. I have many other friends to be certain, but I cannot connect with them, and in fact can't stand being around most of them anyway. I will likely never meet another person like my ex-friend in this life, and I am tired of carrying the pain of loss.

God was wrong to have made me; He should have known better—if He even exists anyway. It's always been the same story: I find someone I truly like, we hit it off, I become too attached (jealous even), and our relationship falls apart. I am not destined for deeper connections, and I will always be alone so long as I live. It does not matter if I am empathetic, or polite, or friendly, if in the end I just scare good people away.

My ex-friend is never coming back, and that pain hurts me so much. All I can do is hope they're doing better without me while I lament over the past, wishing things turned out differently. They were so much better than me, anyway, with a better career, other better friends, better intellect, better skills and with a more stable life than mine anyway; they have accomplished so much while I have accomplished so little. That's just me, anyway: 25 years on this planet, with almost nothing to show for it. Maybe it was best for them to cut me off. Who wants a loser hanging onto them, anyway?

I just want to know how I can die now. I would have killed myself years ago, but I live in California where getting a gun is harder than it needs to be with an unnecessary amount of paperwork just to get a fucking pistol; but I want to blow my brains out so much. I am a loser, a mistake, a creepy freak and it's time I rectify this mistake.

There are too many bad people in this world without another one making things worse for everyone else—and now I want to do everyone a favour. I don't care if anyone weeps over me (though they shouldn't), they will move on anyway.

Move on.

Move on.

Move on.

I hate hearing those fucking words so much. I'd like to tell anyone else to go stuff it and see how easy it is to move on after they have lost someone through their own mistakes; you don't. You just deal with it until you can't.

"move on". Moving on only works when the love or care was never that strong and I know that from having moved on from friendships and love. When I lost my true love however, I never moved on. I also never moved on from losing my best friend and that was ten years ago. She abandoned me and my true love got tired of my mental burdens. Years have passed and i couldn't move on from either. People who tell you to move on have never experienced a deep enough bond yet, trust me. I used to say the same things until I found people whom I deeply loved and valued and who all left me in the dark, with no answers, closure, or clarity. Sometimes you can't move on and that's part of life

 

[drmihilo]

Some people instinctively know where to "move. Problems arise when all movement falls into an abyss of pain... I used to be an optimist and was very surprised by the sadness of the people around me. I didn't understand this pain. It was only when my path stopped at an invisible line, when my world narrowed and turned into a kind of hell, that I saw that there was no "movement" and I could understand (but not fully feel, it is impossible) the existential pain of others...

If there is a God, he has been very clever in not giving us 100% empathy. Otherwise every person on earth would go crazy...

Where I'm going with this... I understand you, because I'm going through the same thing. But I can't advise you anything about it, and no one on this mortal planet can, because everyone plunges into such things, sooner or later... The only way out is either patience or death. The scary thing is not that everyone faces such a choice, but that both can become unpreferred - and then a person is forced to balance between the two abysses. This is exactly the state I'm in right now, and I don't know where it will lead.

Life is always painful...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really feel your pain. I feel like I've lost my best friend too. We barely even communicate now. Honestly, it's been years since we were close, so I suppose the hurt isn't as intense as it was. Honestly, it's been replaced by a bitterness and a cynicism. I really don't trust friendships or relationships now. It doesn't seem worth getting close to people because they usually let you down. Can't say it's a good way to live though. It's pretty lonely.

Think I share the same problem as you- I'm too clingy and needy really. I'm sorry for your loss- I think it is a sort of bereavement really. I wish I knew what to advise to make things better but I'm probably as messed up as you.

 

[Blue_mist]

Off topic, i wish I had your eloquence in writing, you are fabulously talented.

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

Off topic, i wish I had your eloquence in writing, you are fabulously talented.

Thank you.