Fuck it, I’m going tonight

[Everydayismisery]

Thanks for the description of SI. This is what I fear when I go to ctb.

Of course! I'd hoped it would be insightful for someone. However, that's only my experience with it. I'm sure everyone's is different. For me it seems the only way to "bypass" SI & achieve my desired outcome will be a method that involves falling asleep/going unconscious.

Gun/SN/N/CO in a tent are my ideals. I can't get a gun but N you're just dead so SI doesn't matter, with SN it is going to suck and be extraordinarily unpleasant but I can just turn off or smash my phone and not call for help so even when SI kicks in it doesn't matter. I think CO in a tent would be the best because you can just take sleeping pills and just fall asleep and never wake up but it's iffy getting it to work right.

Ordered SN again from a different supplier last night so hopefully I'll be out of here soon and SI can go fuck itself.

If you do choose to ctb I hope you are able to overcome SI & go peacefully

 

[Julgran]

Of course! I'd hoped it would be insightful for someone. However, that's only my experience with it. I'm sure everyone's is different. For me it seems the only way to "bypass" SI & achieve my desired outcome will be a method that involves falling asleep/going unconscious.

Gun/SN/N/CO in a tent are my ideals. I can't get a gun but N you're just dead so SI doesn't matter, with SN it is going to suck and be extraordinarily unpleasant but I can just turn off or smash my phone and not call for help so even when SI kicks in it doesn't matter. I think CO in a tent would be the best because you can just take sleeping pills and just fall asleep and never wake up but it's iffy getting it to work right.

Ordered SN again from a different supplier last night so hopefully I'll be out of here soon and SI can go fuck itself.

If you do choose to ctb I hope you are able to overcome SI & go peacefully

The SN from IC will probably arrive soon. For me, it was held by customs for a week before I received it.

You could use the waiting time to prepare by cleaning your apartment, writing a suicide note, or whatever you wish to do, so that you will be free and prepared to end your life as soon as the SN arrives, if you so wish.

 

[keitaro]

You could use the waiting time to prepare by cleaning your apartment

that made me chuckle. XD chores are not what i want to do when i'm close to ctb.

 

[Julgran]

that made me chuckle. XD chores are not what i want to do when i'm close to ctb.

I understand. It's up to every person to decide how to proceed. Those were just examples. and the point is to occupy your mind while the SN is in transit. and to get ready before it arrives.

 

[keitaro]

I understand. It's up to every person to decide how to proceed. Those were just examples. and the point is to occupy your mind while the SN is in transit. and to get ready before it arrives.

that's a good idea, actually. better to distract oneself to help stay calm.

 

[Everydayismisery]

Triple update: tonight is 100% the night. Unfortunately my parents will be like wtf are all these SN packages once IC & DD arrive in the coming days/week lol I just spent the past little while decluttering the garage, went to lowes and bought a proper 1/2inch thick rope with a 540lb weight limit for $34.00. Strong enough to hold almost 4 of me. When I kick the step ladder tonight there is nowhere for me to latch onto to save myself. Checkmate SI, fucking bitch.

 

[picklemick]

Triple update: tonight is 100% the night. Unfortunately my parents will be like wtf are all these SN packages once IC & DD arrive in the coming days/week lol I just spent the past little while decluttering the garage, went to lowes and bought a proper 1/2inch thick rope with a 540lb weight limit for $34.00. Strong enough to hold almost 4 of me. When I kick the step ladder tonight there is nowhere for me to latch onto to save myself. Checkmate SI, fucking bitch.

They'll just think you love curing meats. Who doesn't right.

 

[keitaro]

if this is your true desire, i hope it goes well without too much pain. may you enter eternal peace.
if you change your mind or something goes wrong, be sure to let us know, if you can.

 

[Everydayismisery]

if this is your true desire, i hope it goes well without too much pain. may you enter eternal peace.
if you change your mind or something goes wrong, be sure to let us know, if you can.

Thank you very much. I'm sure my time is now. Gonna be leaving in about 20 minutes. See y'all on the other side or infinite nothingness!

 

[keitaro]

best wishes! and goodbye~

 

[virgilwalks]

If you change your mind we are still here.

 

[picklemick]

:(

 

[QuietEnd]

I wish you peace whatever you decide

 

[Everydayismisery]

I GIVE THE FUCK UP. I obviously can't kill myself guys. I stood there for 45 minutes and could not kick over the step ladder. Maybe god is real and stopping me so I'm just meant to live in misery or some shit. I'm so ashamed, I'm going to probably deactivate my account. Sorry for leading y'all on. I really tried its a nice rope too, I was super proud of it :(

 

[keitaro]

I GIVE THE FUCK UP. I obviously can't kill myself guys. I stood there for 45 minutes and could not kick over the step ladder. Maybe god is real and stopping me so I'm just meant to live in misery or some shit. I'm so ashamed, I'm going to probably deactivate my account. Sorry for leading y'all on. I really tried

hey, there's no shame in that. it's only natural to fear dying, it's a product of evolution. you might prefer to just stay living or use a more peaceful method.

 

[Everydayismisery]

hey, there's no shame in that. it's only natural to fear dying, it's a product of evolution. you might prefer to just stay living or use a more peaceful method.

Thank you. Honestly at this point im so down and out that I'm doubting my ability to take SN and not yell for help once the panic sets in. I think N & gun would be my only surefire way. I guess I have to live….fuck fuck fuck.

 

[keitaro]

cool tattoos, btw.

 

[QuietEnd]

There is no shame.

 

[Everydayismisery]

cool tattoos, btw.

Thanks!

There is no shame.

I appreciate it. Just ashamed I can't leave i suppose

 

[keitaro]

is it possible to get to an isolated spot where even if someone heard you cry out for help, it would take too long to get assistance in time? that's something i'm considering for myself, but i know not everyone can for various reasons. i think it will be tricky for me since i don't have a car.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Safe travels my friend if you go or stay.
I'm staying right now cos of idiot shit like my queer bear fiancés love through control, coffee and fucked up remixed goth disco.
Go figure.
I'm sober and have rediscovered my shotgun. Bullets? I can't keep my wallet cos all I want is heroin and coke.
Fly yourself past the big dark moon. The galaxies are your playground.
7 day's out of psyche ward as a danger to myself and others. Ignore me I adore you anyway.

 

[QuietEnd]

Thanks!

I appreciate it. Just ashamed I can't leave i suppose

I find Brene Brown helpful to understand emotions. I don't know whether her definitions would help you understand what you're feeling.

"I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection"

From my perspective you are not flawed for not taking action, or for taking action. This community, our community here, believes in choice, you choice is supported throughout without judgement. You are worthy of connection whatever you decide.

"shame is insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability. It causes people to believe that they're unworthy or unloveable"

From my perspective you are worthy and loveable. You are important because you are you. I appreciate you for being very open in how you are feeling.

 

[Everydayismisery]

is it possible to get to an isolated spot where even if someone heard you cry out for help, it would take too long to get assistance in time? that's something i'm considering for myself, but i know not everyone can for various reasons. i think it will be tricky for me since i don't have a car.

That's a good idea but I don't think so. Sorry you don't have a car. Luckily I do so maybe I can do it in my car in some somewhat remote spot? Idk where though. Even then I feel I'd yell for help now. I wanted to lay in bed and pass in my pajamas and blankets lol I need to think. I'm tired, my head and eyes hurt from the constriction and now I have to go back to work in the morning

 

[keitaro]

well, sleep well if you can.

 

[Everydayismisery]

I find Brene Brown helpful to understand emotions. I don't know whether her definitions would help you understand what you're feeling.

"I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection"

From my perspective you are not flawed for not taking action, or for taking action. This community, our community here, believes in choice, you choice is supported throughout without judgement. You are worthy of connection whatever you decide.

"shame is insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability. It causes people to believe that they're unworthy or unloveable"

From my perspective you are worthy and loveable. You are important because you are you. I appreciate you for being very open in how you are feeling.

This was an immeasurably beautiful reply. Thank you so very much

 

[london3]

That's a good idea but I don't think so. Sorry you don't have a car. Luckily I do so maybe I can do it in my car in some somewhat remote spot? Idk where though. Even then I feel I'd yell for help now. I wanted to lay in bed and pass in my pajamas and blankets lol I need to think. I'm tired, my head and eyes hurt from the constriction and now I have to go back to work in the morning

Really sorry about your situation and hope you find peace soon.

 

[FireWalkWithMe]

Sorry to hear your struggles. Maybe this wasn't the time, for whatever reason.

 

[Everydayismisery]

Sorry to hear your struggles. Maybe this wasn't the time, for whatever reason.

Thanks. Yea I guess not, I woke up today feeling the same. I want to try again tonight but I know I can't beat SI hanging.

I've decided I will try the SN when it gets here, in the meantime I'll just chill. The new season of stranger things is actually really good and this new game called stray comes out in a few days that looks awesome. That should hold me over till my next attempt.

Worst case scenario when I try is I call for help and get sent to the psych ward for 2 weeks.

 

[keitaro]

I've decided I will try the SN when it gets here, in the meantime I'll just chill. The new season of stranger things is actually really good and this new game called stray comes out in a few days that looks awesome. That should hold me over till my next attempt.

i think that sounds like a good plan. we might as well enjoy ourselves while we can.