Venting Frustration, and whining...

[noctilucent]

I really feel like I'm going to be trapped here forever. It isn't fair how difficult it is to find a peaceful way out. I know that if I search actively for a long time, I could probably find what I need, but I have trouble even getting out of bed a lot of the time and it's hard to muster that sort of energy and effort. I'll do it, because I know I have to, but it's just frustrating. It's to the point that I really considered going to the rails tonight because I'm so desperate and simultaneously broke/don't have sources yet for anything more peaceful, but after reading some threads on here it seems like even something as desperate as that takes a lot of effort and planning to do properly.

I know it's whiny to say this, but I really wish it was easier. How am I meant to plan and research for weeks when I can barely exist at all some days? The safeguards and regulations against ctb resources put in place do nothing but make my life more miserable. They aren't saving me. They're making everything more painful.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so trapped here, it's so dreadful and cruel how it's so unnecessarily difficult for one to cease existing on their own terms, we really shouldn't have to struggle so much to die, I just despise how there isn't the option to just fall into an dreamless, eternal sleep. The fact that suicide is so cruelly made inaccessible truly does just lead to way more suffering and harm, I find it horrific how humans wish to do all they can to stop others choosing when they die.