Venting friend told me they’re jealous of my life

[sannoji]

the other night i was talking to one of my online friends and he admitted that he's jealous of me for some reason. my first reaction honestly was that, well, envy breeds resentment and all. i don't want him to resent me. but in the end, the things he was jealous of about my life are things that i ultimately mostly just lucked into. yeah i'm fortunate enough to live away from my abusive parents and not struggle to pay rent. (somehow i get anxiety over my finances anyway.) yeah i'm at a good university in a degree i'm good at when i'm not drowning in my own mental issues.

and i don't know, it kind of made me spiral a little. i'm trying to recover from thought patterns i got stuck in when i was just a little kid, and one of them is invalidating my own problems because someone else might have it worse. i have been having problems, i really wouldn't consider my life enviable because of that. i had a panic attack recently so bad that i thought it was a heart attack. ambulance got called and everything. i can't separate academic performance from my selfworth and no matter how hard i try no grade is ever good enough for me. even that recently i wasn't able to be intimate with my partner because it instantly triggered flashbacks so bad that i nearly threw up. actually, i was telling this friend about that experience just before he brought this up. and i just don't get it at all. he said "it just feels unfair" and he said he didn't resent me for it but i don't believe him.

i don't know. maybe i should be listening to his problems more in return but that's the problem, he doesn't even want to talk about how he felt about his difficulties. he just wants to wish they didn't exist. his financial situation is less stable than mine, he's still stuck with abusive parents, so yeah i guess i can kind of see how not having those problems would seem appealing. some of the words he used are sticking with me too. because he's got a pretty stressful job, he complained that he "has to work and work and you don't." but i do need to work. full time uni is no joke. my course is hard. but it's clear he doesn't think of it that way. i don't know, i don't want to be mad at him. i know he's in pain too. but it just doesn't feel good when you're struggling to essentially be told "wow, i wish i had those problems."

 

[The_Hunter]

your feelings are valid; your struggles feel invalidated by his "ooo"ing.

To me the only real exception to this rule is if someone compliments someone intrinsic about you; like the way you talk or the kinds of passions you hold. those to me, are truly compliments to the person; it is sort of materialistic of him to say "i wish i had X possession or status that you have"; it can be frustrating, yeah

Everyone has different sufferings and comforts in their lives. You have no mandate to be perfectly happy and no mandate to be in suffering. You have the freedom to feel however you like about your situation.

Being told you're privileged when you are in a time of psychological crisis is greatly wounding. I hope your friend is somehow able to understand this and stop these harmful comments; and perhaps even apologize--if not, then hopefully they'll stop saying these harmful things to you. They might not mean to do any damage through these comments, but legitimately, these kinds of statements are very damaging to your mental health.

Everyone has their own hells, heavens, and limbos. It would do us all a favor to not compare them; for how much our complexities--the endless little nuances between our psychologies--differ.

If that friend was my friend, and I were you--I would tell them how I feel they are not accounting for your suffering in this, that many of the things they drool over are indeed also causes of guilt, that we respond, think, and feel differently--that they may be a friend, and their intentions may be benign; but that their statements are negatively impacting your mental health, and perniciously affirming serious negative thought loops and fears at the back of the mind.

I can see that you have achieved the insight of realizing these words [from your friend] are harming you. I encourage you to learn into this realization, and learn more about how such seemingly thoughtless ideas can cause such painful ripple effects through your mind. Because of this, it is instrumental to understand the effect that certain ideas and perceptions can have on our mental health, view of the world--and ultimately--our lives.

I truly wish you the best. Your struggles are very very real, and many a people in psychological flames have acknowledged certain waters at their feet--but pain is still pain, even if certain privileges are still nice to have. It is unfortunate how the ones in suffering might bear another burden--that of guilt--on top of their existing trials. But for even that, they are not to blame--for none of us are to blame for trying to think, trying to make sense of things. So even when we lead ourselves into more confusion, maybe we need not guilt ourselves any more--because it took us to be confused to get here, and now we're here. Trying to make sense again. And here we are together again. I do think there are ideological solutions to ideological problems. Guilt, morality, ambition, perspective; all of these in the realm of philosophy and psychology--all from our morals and raw feelings; the source of much scientific study and personal pondering. Yes, hard problems; but in such a vein, I would certainly imagine many common issues do have feasible pathways back unto harmony.

I wish you luck in your pathfinding. It is a personal, desperate; instrumental, and beautiful work we do. And that too, an important one. An... honest work, at the very least. Best of ways--to you--fellow human.

--Hunter

 

[The_Hunter]

P.S.
It seems this friend is causing you a fair bit of strain, perhaps bringing about further rescinding feelings in ways that might be subtle to you and I. I encourage you to rethink your relationship with this person--maybe distancing into less personal topics, or if it truly turns out to be unmitigatable; perhaps even distancing away altogether. an extreme measure, for sure--but psychological health is an extreme subject indeed--so I say it may be worth it. But--it is whatever you deem best; you know this friend and yourself better than I--so I empower you to judge [on this] yourself. Best of clarity in your decisions & paths forward. :)