Friend forced me to flush my SN

[兎の耳]

I should be long dead by now. I got my SN in the mail and was working on sourcing antiemetics and benzos. Then in a moment of weakness and fear, I told my best friend that I was suicidal and that I had the means to do it. He, of course, guilt tripped me into putting it in the toilet while he watched.

I can try sourcing more SN, but I feel stupid for telling someone instead of just going through with it. I feel weak for not having already ordered more and for listening to him when he cried and told me he needed me. Overall I am just gutted because I should be dead but I'm not because I was weak and afraid.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

You're not weak, you just wanted emotional support for such a difficult topic. It must've been hard to keep that in. I'd find it hard to resist guilt tripping from a friend I care about too.

Perhaps your guilt is stopping you from ordering more? Those aren't easy feelings to handle once others get involved.

 

[bankai]

I wouldn't discuss this stuff with anyone. At some point in their life, some will just overcome this and move on. You don't want this coming back to bite you.

 

[兎の耳]

You're not weak, you just wanted emotional support for such a difficult topic. It must've been hard to keep that in. I'd find it hard to resist guilt tripping from a friend I care about too.

Perhaps your guilt is stopping you from ordering more? Those aren't easy feelings to handle once others get involved.

He does need me. I know it and that's what makes it so hard. It's difficult to feel comfortable taking my own life when I feel like I might be condemning the person I love most in the world to the same fate.

I would die for him without hesitation. Living for him is much harder.

 

[enditplz]

You feeling the need to tell your friend just means you weren't ready to do it. A part of you knew how he'd react and you told him anyways. It's perfectly fine to not be ready and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

 

[rs929]

You feeling the need to tell your friend just means you weren't ready to do it. A part of you knew how he'd react and you told him anyways. It's perfectly fine to not be ready and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

I second this. Seems a part of you wants to die, and another wants to live. I don't think neither of them are "weak".

 

[Xiaojiu]

You're not weak. I think a part of you wanted emotional support because killing yourself is such a finite decision. Also, maybe a part of you doesn't want to go yet. And honestly there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[GeminiButter]

You're not weak. I'm sorry this was so painful. Like others have said, a tiny bit of you must not want to die because you did tell him. That's okay - I'd even say it's good. You're not weak because a part of you wants to live - not at all.

 

[Griever]

 

[Jisatsu]

My girlfriend made me flush mine , I'm learning to keep my mouth shut about these things.

 

[兎の耳]

My girlfriend made me flush mine , I'm learning to keep my mouth shut about these things.

I guess if nothing else the fact that we both have someone in our lives that loves us enough to want us to get better means that we are lucky.

 

[Jisatsu]

I guess if nothing else the fact that we both have someone in our lives that loves us enough to want us to get better means that we are lucky.

We definitely are

 

[anonymous2025]

I personally wouldn't mention anything to anybody like @bankai stated. The only outcome in this situation is for the other person to make you get rid of it, or force help, because if they did nothing, after the attempt they would be living with (what ifs) for the rest of their life. SN is my best kept secret. Only to be shared with others who feel the same on this forum until that final day.