Venting Friend compared me to the one thing I promised to never be.

[mashiroll]

I dont wanna give too many details for the sake of privacy, but I genuinely feel so soulless. I'm not trying to find sympathy or to victimize myself, I just hate myself for letting it get this far. It's not like I can just stop being friends with her anyways, I see her almost weekly and we share a friendgroup. We came to a mutual agreement to stop more personal activities together and hang out exclusively with our friend group present, but even then that doesn't sit right with me. I can't talk about this with anyone else that I know. Shit, even I have this feeling at the back of my head that the entire friendgroup knows, and they're waiting for the perfect moment to drop me. I took down the pictures we have together, deleted it off my phone, muted her contact... I just feel so disgusting. I hate myself. I don't know what to do anymore, or if this friendship is even worth saving. I don't even feel like getting out of bed. I could use some general advice on what to do next, literally say anything. Good or bad I deserve it. Thanks and cheers! :)

 

[Arahant]

Reading this has me feeling compassion for you.

I honestly can't tell if these are really friends of yours and depression is distorting things, or if she/they are toxic.

If I were your friend, and had compared you to that, I imagine I would appreciate knowing I had hurt you so I could repair the relationship.
On the other hand, you mention agreeing to stop personal activities... So I can't know if this would backfire on you if she is toxic.

Just remember: Her comparing you to what you promised to never be, does not mean it's true!
She can opine and judge to the end of time, but at the end of the day, you are the one who gets to decide who you are.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Is there some way that you could reconcile a little more, so that you wouldn't be bitter towards each other? For example, if you were to correct your own attitude towards this person, because you usually end projecting your bitter feelings onto your own feelings or suppress them? It's probably not easy, it depends on how she behaves, but think of it in a way that you wouldn't want anything bad for her. For example, I have a soft toy that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, to whom I had to openly admit that I never wished anything bad between us.

 

[mashiroll]

Reading this has me feeling compassion for you.

I honestly can't tell if these are really friends of yours and depression is distorting things, or if she/they are toxic.

If I were your friend, and had compared you to that, I imagine I would appreciate knowing I had hurt you so I could repair the relationship.
On the other hand, you mention agreeing to stop personal activities... So I can't know if this would backfire on you if she is toxic.

Just remember: Her comparing you to what you promised to never be, does not mean it's true!
She can opine and judge to the end of time, but at the end of the day, you are the one who gets to decide who you are.

thank you so much!!!! last bit really helps

im sure she had no harm when she said that (she hated saying it too) it just hit me so hard because of how i never caught on. from what i know, shes not toxic at all, shes a great friend! im sorry for the vagueness LOL the chances of her finding this is low.. but never zero... ykwim?

Is there some way that you could reconcile a little more, so that you wouldn't be bitter towards each other? For example, if you were to correct your own attitude towards this person, because you usually end projecting your bitter feelings onto your own feelings or suppress them? It's probably not easy, it depends on how she behaves, but think of it in a way that you wouldn't want anything bad for her. For example, I have a soft toy that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, to whom I had to openly admit that I never wished anything bad between us.

havent thought of this... will keep it in mind! thanks so much

 

[Arahant]

Yea, I do know what you mean, and try my best to not pry.
It's not a problem for me to talk "blind" about issues like this, but if you feel it could help you, feel free to DM so your friend have exactly zero chance of finding it.

Am kinda left wondering why she said it, if she hated saying it and you hated hearing it?
I can't know what went through her mind and heart, so I can only guess:

1) She wanted to help you steer away from the problem.
2) She has foot-in-mouth syndrome and talks faster than she thinks; not realizing the impact it had.
3) She is a right prick who knew exactly where to press to hurt you and make you compliant to her.

OK giving your friend the benefit of the doubt - if it were to help, how does it help that she said it?
Do you have new possibilities to grow after the conversation?
Is she aware that your mental health is less than optimal, so she has a chance to be gentle or nurturing to you when needed?

I only pose these questions to support you - feel free to pick and choose what is useful to you.