Freedom knowing I'm going to CTB

[ashfall]

Over the last couple of days, I've really turned a corner. I've been feeling the best I have in months. It may be having this forum, or maybe my new medication is finally kicking in, but personally, I think it's probably because my SN is on the way. I feel like this huge weight has lifted off my chest. I've stopped agonising over ifs and buts and maybes - the question now is not if I ctb but when.

Now that I'm free of that internal pressure to stay alive I'm able to enjoy life in a way I haven't been able to in a very long time. I've found myself starting to say goodbye to things. For example, today I was at my parents' house. We had one of my favourite childhood meals and I realised this was probably the last time I'll ever have it. It was kind of weird to think about but at the same time that made me enjoy it more. Every bite mattered. After dinner, we looked through some old holiday photos together. I know it's stupid but I think I only realised today just how thankful I am to them. They haven't always understood me but they really did do their best. They do love me. I'm so lucky to have had them - I've had a pretty good life all things considered. I've travelled to so many nice places. I've got so many amazing memories.

Today really took me by surprise. I suppose I thought remembering all the good times would make me hesitate to ctb. 'Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel' and what not. Instead, I just feel content. I've lived a good life. It wasn't very long but it was good for the most part. I'm done now though. I've accepted my death. I've finished mourning the life I might have had if things were different. I know I'm ready to ctb. I feel so free because of it.

I'm just glad my parents have those photos and memories with me. I hope it'll make it easier for them after I pass knowing I experienced so many good things. I'm still working on my suicide note. I know when I ctb I'm going to die thinking about the good times, not the bad. I'm glad I can tell them that. I'm also happy that I can tell them I never forgot those good times, even in my darkest moments and I'm still thankful for them. My life was enough for me. I'm ready to die now.

 

[Someone123]

This is interesting and well said. I can't help but wonder if enjoying life in this way has led yu to reconsider ctb at all- I know for my it wouldn't mainly because I am in my fifties now and i don't have time to fix what is needed to make this life happy, but if I was in my twenties that would be different because there are many more opportunities in life during this time period.

 

[DasDasDAS]

Damn that made me want to visit my mother before going

 

[Julgran]

This was beautifully written. You inspire me, and probably others as well, with a hope for a better non-existence.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be such a relief to be at peace with everything. I'm pleased for you that you are able to enjoy the time you have left. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Depressed Cat]

I'm glad you're able to enjoy these days and that you had a good time at your parents' place. Life can be so cruel and depressing that even small joys like going through old vacation pictures brings one some relief.

I won't say anything about your method, but I hope you've prepared thoroughly for it.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best and hope that you find peace.

 

[1nhibition]

same-- since ordered i feel so so good.

 

[Masada]

The freedom of knowing I am going to ctb is absolutely liberating. I have been suicidal and contemplative for so long. I have had years of therapy and medication changes and nothing has helped. I know how I should feel and what I should do but I can not change my mentality. Believe me I have tried. So now? I choose death. And choosing death and accepting death for myself has been liberating for me. There's a comfort I feel knowing that this will all be over soon. That I can rest soon without all these thoughts rapid firing inside of my head.

I feel sad for the few people who have stuck around me. I know I will be hurting them. But the reality is I will be dead and I will not be around to see their pain and that is also a comfort to me.