I have not had the best life. Certainly not the worst, but definitely not the best. I don't have many close friends. I guess there are people who care about me, but I don't really see it as all that serious. I'm not close with any of my family except for my father. My mom was verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive. Last year we only received one christmas card and it didn't even have my name on it. My family never checks in with me. They ask my dad how he's doing, if he'll be visiting (we moved out of state) etc, but no one ever contacts me. It truly feels like all I really have left is my dad and my cats.
My dad has been treated for cancer in the past, and recently he found out his numbers are going back up. The doctor says it's nothing to worry about right now, but it needs to be monitored. As soon as I found out this information I started planning my exit, because I literally do not know what I would do without him. He's all I have. I am not mentally sound (obviously) and sometimes have episodes where I want/try to hurt myself. I have been hospitalized once for cutting my wrist in a suicide attempt. Usually when I feel like this the thing that keeps me from hurting myself is the thought of how much it would hurt my dad to lose me. Without him I'll have no reason not to hurt myself or end my life.
I'm really torn. I have goals and dreams and ambitions, but I just feel so worthless and like such a failure at the same time. I know my dad loves me and is so proud of me, but without him I feel like I will have no reason to stick around. My dreams and ambitions are nothing without him. He's gotten me through the worst points in my life. He's always been there for me and I love him more than anything. I can't keep doing all of this by myself.
I haven't told anyone this because I'm set on it. I don't want to change my mind. If my dad dies I will too. A suicide note can, under certain circumstances, be considered a legal will. I will write one while I'm of sound mind to ensure the people who rely on me (like my roommate who needs my part of the rent) will have what they need. I'll rehome my cats, or maybe even wait until they die of natural causes. I'll make sure everyone who could potentially care has their own note from me. I want it to be as easy as possible for the people around me if it comes down to it.
I realize this wasn't well organized and I don't have much of a plan. I just needed to get this off of my chest because there's no one else I can tell. I'm tired of "finding healthy coping mechanisms." I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
My dad has been treated for cancer in the past, and recently he found out his numbers are going back up. The doctor says it's nothing to worry about right now, but it needs to be monitored. As soon as I found out this information I started planning my exit, because I literally do not know what I would do without him. He's all I have. I am not mentally sound (obviously) and sometimes have episodes where I want/try to hurt myself. I have been hospitalized once for cutting my wrist in a suicide attempt. Usually when I feel like this the thing that keeps me from hurting myself is the thought of how much it would hurt my dad to lose me. Without him I'll have no reason not to hurt myself or end my life.
I'm really torn. I have goals and dreams and ambitions, but I just feel so worthless and like such a failure at the same time. I know my dad loves me and is so proud of me, but without him I feel like I will have no reason to stick around. My dreams and ambitions are nothing without him. He's gotten me through the worst points in my life. He's always been there for me and I love him more than anything. I can't keep doing all of this by myself.
I haven't told anyone this because I'm set on it. I don't want to change my mind. If my dad dies I will too. A suicide note can, under certain circumstances, be considered a legal will. I will write one while I'm of sound mind to ensure the people who rely on me (like my roommate who needs my part of the rent) will have what they need. I'll rehome my cats, or maybe even wait until they die of natural causes. I'll make sure everyone who could potentially care has their own note from me. I want it to be as easy as possible for the people around me if it comes down to it.
I realize this wasn't well organized and I don't have much of a plan. I just needed to get this off of my chest because there's no one else I can tell. I'm tired of "finding healthy coping mechanisms." I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
