Story Forgiving myself was never an option

[ter]

Hello

For me, forming connection without physical contact provided an unfortunate breeding ground to idealize a lot that plunged me into utter chaos.
At the beginning, she showed a rate of interest and curiosity I found odd as a first impression. Occassionally I sent out invitation to play with her and a few others whenever our leisure time intersected. Things seemed to be changed quite hectically upon she was beginning to bombard me with questions to know me better. Later on, she admitted that it was already in plan to get to know me more, but was afraid whether I would turn her off due to annoyance or clinginess. I reciprocated her initiative by creating a steam group, and briefly after our first conversation, I directed our communication to private messaging. She carried an outgoing manner when it came to chat with me, shared an abundance of things concerned her. I appreciated her familiarity, I was generous with words aswell. I fallen in love, I confessed my feeling toward her. Time passed, so did she. Subsequently, on every single night we chatted for hours, delved more into the depths of love. Everything seemed to be perfect in spite of the deceitful mist of pinkiness that I realized after it was all over. Probably I will never find an emotionally strong bond as it was. I contemplated suicide quite a time, and I came to the conclusion that I screwed up this relationship with her, I guess, I will not forgive myself. A couple of days ago, and a bit previously, she started to reduce the time we could potentially be in touch whilst. She used to commence her day writing me 'good morning' and writing me 'sweet dreams' at the end. I needed to leave her kindness without words due to school affairs thus time constriction, but in the summer I was on to spend more time with her and be more attentive. She always reassured me that nothing was wrong I did, on the contrary, our communication become perceivably hollowed out. I suffer a lot without her, and I'm deeply convinced that I did not even deserve her time for a single of minute. Reputedly created an attachment issue for my part. She also added, that she put an end to our communication because she assumed that sooner or later we would stop talking anyway, referring to the 'normal state of affairs'. There is a crucial barrier between us, the distance, she lives two countries away. From a reasonable point of view it was a must-maken step to spare ourselves from further pain roots from we would not have been able to hold hands and be close to each other in the near future. Perhaps I idealized a lot aswell, perhaps I was too much, perhaps I'm a layman loser, the truth does not matter, but the unbearable pain is real because its ended. I may write to her, but I respect her decision... I hope she is not having identical crucifying feelings I need to tangle with. I hope she is happier now I don't bother her anymore. There's not a button makes me ceased to exist, unfortunately. I'm clueless what's next... I would like to light up that relationship again, but I should not, I know. Time heals? Well, I have no idea, I hope.

Such a mess I presented above, shitty thoughts are racing in my head, and I lost the ability to review things rationally, but thats just what was suppressed, I'm glad I could let it out.
Thanks for your time, if you read it top to down.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think there's anything you did wrong by the sounds of it- so- there's nothing to have to forgive or not forgive yourself for. It just sounds like a sad loss for you- so it's natural you would be grieving for her. Sometimes- sadly- it's just life though. People come and go in our lives. Doesn't have to mean you did something wrong. It may be that she's really busy now and can't spare the time. Sadly- it may be that things have changed in her life and her priorities have changed. I truly know how that feels. I've not communicated at all- not even texted with a very good friend for over half a year. At one point- she felt like a sister. It can be heartbreaking- truly but- it doesn't necessarily have to be to do with you. I'm sorry though- it hurts like hell.

 

[pyroxenic]

@/Forever Asleep is right, from what i can understand it doesnt seem there were any huge conflicts or arguments that set you two apart. It just seems the relationship natrually kindled over time, and thats really unfortunate. But its not really your or her fault. You two were seperated by two countries, and as much as people dont want to think about this, long distance relationships are hard to manage most of the time, especially if you dont see eachother other face to face often. Sometimes, even the strongest bonds fall apart over time for no plausable reason, and thats when it hurts the most. If you or her have done something to one another that put a stop to the relationship youd at least have a reason why, and you wouldnt be left so confused and angry at yourself like now.

Youve loved her and had a strong connection/attachemnt to. The pain and unresolved grief that comes after such a loss can be such a life-breaker, especially if the reasons behind a loss is almost non-existent. I really do sympathize with your current position and feelings of doom. But as cheezy as this sound, ive been in your position before several times. Time does heal. But the healing process is different for everyone.

And imo, i dont think youve done anything wrong that you "cant forgive yourself for". And i definetly dont think you should put all the blame on yourself because how the relationship ended. Youre not guilty of anything, maybe you couldve done things differntly but so couldve she.

And who knows? Maybe in future you two reconnect again. The time right now is not to do that. But in the meantime, give yourself time to process everythint, let yourself heal, and of course be easier on yourself.

 

[ABSOLUTION]

Wow, your experience resonates with me because it is similar to a relationship I had that I fucked up so badly.

I had never been in a relationship before, but once I did, it demonstrated to myself who I really am, bringing all my flaws to the surface.
As it turns out, I am obsessive, I have absolutely nothing to offer and have excessive self-confidence issues, among other things. It doesn't help at all that I am self-aware, because these thoughts are just as compulsive and intrusive as other habits in my life.
Even then, this didn't seem to bother him that much. But he deserves better, so I abruptly ended things for his sake. It hurts so much, but it's for his benefit in the long run, rather than wasting even more of his time.

I, too, cannot forgive myself. And I no longer desire a relationship anymore, because now I know that I'm simply incapable of having one.

It was the event that prompted me to take a long hard look at my entire life, and everything in the past, present, and future weaves into a tapestry that says to me I need to CTB. There is no other actual solution that isn't just simply going "it is what it is", or otherwise putting up with the way I am. And I don't really have any hope or anything else that I enjoy that makes me want to hang onto life anymore.