I've experienced envy towards people born as a woman since as long as I can remember... eventually I realized I have gender dysphoria. I don't really consider myself "trans" though because I'm not pursuing it and probably never will. I'm not really sure I could really ever be a woman in a way that feels "right" to me - I know it's stupid, but that's how I feel. I just feel like I'm not happy now in my body and I wouldn't be then, so what's the point. But if I could go back and choose somehow to be born a cis girl? I would do it 100%.
I think for me these thoughts depend. Sometimes I just think about what it would be like to be a woman - not even in a social setting, just laying around at home with my cat or something, and it makes me happy. But other times it makes me sad. I think most commonly my thoughts start off as happy, but then like any daydream once you acknowledge that it isn't real my emotions swing in the opposite direction. It's a very mixed bag.
It's no different than dreaming about anything else you know you can't have. I've always wanted to be married and love someone profoundly, but I know that will most likely never happen either because I'm unable to connect with people, I'm mentally ill, and I have lots of bad habits that would make me a poor partner/person to live with. When I think about the "possibility" of getting married, usually at first it's a nice thing but then once I consider the realities of who and what I am and that it will almost certainly never happen it becomes a negative thought.
Still, it's nice to think about. Even if you know certain things are unobtainable it's nice to dream. I think otherwise I would most likely be dead.
Thank you, this was very informative. And yes I agree with you on being unhappy even if you transitioned. I just feel like, what's the point? I can spend years putting so much effort in dressing up, losing friends and family, hormones, surgery, just to have to lie to myself every day. I don't see the euphoria in that. I understand why some people may be content with their transition but I truly don't see me being happier in that scenario than I am right now. I would much rather take the chance that there is some bountiful afterlife where I can live out my deepest desires.
Very strongly associate with all this.
I don't really feel myself as a 'trans' person. I never associated much with transgender/queer/nonbinary community. Always felt closer to full-on transsexuals, though my dysphoria has been different from them. I've had signs since early childhood, but they were always easy to explain away, and body dysphoria has really just been indifference and minor dislike of certain things. I've only gotten major dysphoria in certain instances, like waking up from a dream where I was a woman.
I don't want to be trans or proud or special. I just want to be a girl. I considered transition off and for few months, but ultimately realized it would:
- Destroy most of my social relationships, and make the remainder very awkward.
- Make work very awkward with my coworkers. I'd probably have to transition (hehe) to another team or even leave the company.
- Require extensive and painful FFS surgery, and probably voice surgery, as my face and voice are very masculine (got that hourglass figure tho). On top of at least an Orchiectomy.
- Tons of hair removal. Like TONS. $$$$$$$$$
- I'm autistic, so most people already see me as weird. In most people's minds, I'd just go from that weird guy to that weird guy who now thinks he's a woman.
- Also being autistic means learning female social cues and displaying social behaviors in a feminine manner would be an uphill climb.
- I'm 30, past my prime. I would maybe get a few years of being a 'young' woman before aging would hit like a bag of bricks.
- Not being able to pass as a cis woman would be more dysphoric than continuing to exist as a cis man.
Pretty much made up my mind that transitioning would be a net-negative.
Given that I've decided on CTBing in the next year, I've started to daydream a lot about being a cis girl. Have this whole elaborate life in my head. Part of me deeply wishes for that afterlife.
