for those planning to ctb : how do you deal with the sadness that you will die/mourn yourself?

[HermitLonerGuy]

I mean lets be real, no matter how suicidal we are. Dying and ending our lives, never thinking or experiencing things is a very sad notion.
It is also scary, its sad that this is the best outcome for us . But we are still human and despite our choice to ctb its only normal to feel sadness and fear over dying .

 

[Darkover]

there is no saddness i am glad this shit ride through hell is coming to end soon hopefully , bruch of fucking slaves
my only hope for this world is that all life gets wiped out and there is nothing here lefted to suffer this insufferable hellhole

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

there is no saddness i am glad this shit ride through hell is coming to end soon hopefully , bruch of fucking slaves
my only hope for this world is that all life gets wiped out and there is nothing here lefted to suffer this insufferable hellhole

i agree for the most part but i still feel sad about dying.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Ive mostly stopped feeling anything at all - leaned to disconnect from feelings decades ago as a child. But if I face reality, it's deeply tragic to have wasted this precious gift. I was once so full of vitality and promise.

 

[Pluto]

Don't be afraid of dying. Be afraid of not living.

 

[moggedtodeath]

If it was warranting ctb, then life isn't something to mourn. I am sad it had to come to this, but it's better than suffering.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

Ive mostly stopped feeling anything at all - leaned to disconnect from feelings decades ago as a child. But if I face reality, it's deeply tragic to have wasted this precious gift. I was once so full of vitality and promise.

Yeah u right, i just need to stop thinking about it so much and just do it.

If it was warranting ctb, then life isn't something to mourn. I am sad it had to come to this, but it's better than suffering.

Good point.

Don't be afraid of dying. Be afraid of not living.

this is true, even if i choose not to ctb . I will never live a normal life, i will have permenant problems. I will not be able to be fully happy or normal.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure that it is my own grief and sense of loss I feel when I think about CTB. I've long felt that my life shouldn't have existed in the first place. Plus, I've experienced a lot of family deaths and have been suicidal since I was 10, so I've had a long time to feel comfortable with the idea of death. That's not to say I'm not afraid though.

I have this weird experience when I start thinking about the nitty gritty details of CTB though. People reading the letters (likely delayed emails) I have written and learning about how the body was discovered and the cause etc. It's a strange feeling because I am imagining myself being them. I have had many bouts of intense mourning and grief over family deaths and it does trouble me that I might inflict that on them. Still, I also feel like I will wait for the one person left to pass on that it would greatly affect. I'm largely estranged from everyone else, so I'm hoping that would lessen the grief.

I completely agree though that it's natural to feel a whole mixture of emotions regarding CTB- including sadness and fear. Sometimes I read people saying it means you're not ready for it. Perhaps that's true- I'd like to feel I can be as calm and resolute as possible if I ever come to do it. Still- I think it's more a case that things have gotten SO bad, that you are able to override the other emotions.

 

[almaranthine]

I'm definitely saddened thinking about all the things I will never experience, but at the same time I tell myself that I've had many years of suffering and having those ideal experiences was never guaranteed and likely not to ever happen even if I did continue living. For example, with the holidays coming up you see all those commercials of people having these nice little parties, eating wonderfully prepared food, sharing fun festive drinks, laughing and enjoying each other... i think, wow, wouldn't that be so nice, but then I remember my family members don't like each other, I have no friends, and no holidays in my past have ever been "fun" so it's just a sad little pipe dream for me. Depressing, but the miserable truth. Knowing this helps me let go of those feelings and coldly accept that if I wasn't convinced that I'm 100% going to suffer for decades to come, I wouldn't be willing to attempt suicide.

 

[regal20]

The only thing I am afraid of is the pain associated with dying. Death is nothing. It is the end.

 

[fettuccinenoodle]

when I use to think about ctb I would be angry, cry, pity myself, and also feel guilty.

Now when I think about it (last 3/4 months) it brings a smile and I get excited because I'm so close. I do fear the pain but the 2 options i choose seem relatively calm and 1 is very easy to come by in my city

I do wonder am I passing this pain onto my sister and mother and the rest of my family? Ive already talked to my mom about if something happens what to do and how I want my funeral and all that.

I dont think about things I'll miss out on. Like what? I don't do Anything? Or go anywhere. I work, I come home then repeat. I have no friends because everyone I meet is so back stabbing to the friends they already have so thats what I have to look forward to with them, I'll pass. I never fit in anyway.

 

[Venus13]

You can kill yourself off psychologically before suicide. I did this psychological suicide and deep personal mourning prior to advancing further in plans. It takes time and work. I guess it's easy if you're a nihilistic thinker in general and you're not a making a huge internal shift. I was a life affirming person who fell under harsh external circumstances so it was a process for me.

It's multifaceted. You kill off your inner child that had dreams and ideas of what was possible. You drain all self love and appreciation for who and what you are. I personally drained identification with my entire storyline up until then. I never tapped into pleasant past memories anymore and never allowed my mind to wander into potential future comforts and aspirations. You have kill off your hopes for the future, that's the big one. All potential in you and in existence needs to be snuffed out. No potential outcome but more pain will bring a feeling of fulfillment on the day of suicide. My particular case offered me a sense that more harsh suffering was going to come, so it was simple. You have to allow the cold detachment from your sense of connection to others. You hear your loved one's voice but no matter what they say you're somewhere else, and the place you're in that's beyond them is living hell. In that position even the most loving exchanges are empty.

But yea, I don't recommend doing this kind of internal kill off until you're sure. I did it years ago and my circumstances changed but my mind is still haunted by what I did to myself. Those scripts I started playing to detach and dismantle all hope never stopped playing. Now I'm on a doomed recovery path because the cushy external circumstances of my life is saying there's hope but I deeply blackened my internal thoughts so there's a major conflict occuring. I borderline have that condition where you think you're already dead, cotard's syndrome, because of how far I took my psychological suicide. It's kind of an eerie endeavor to do to your subconscious.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

have no friends because everyone I meet is so back stabbing to the friends they already have so thats what I have to look forward to with them, I'll pass. I never fit in anyway.

Yes same with me. I willingly isolate myself, people are the cause of all problems and hurt imo. So i chose to be a hermit.

You can kill yourself off psychologically before suicide. I did this psychological suicide and deep personal mourning prior to advancing further in plans. It takes time and work. I guess it's easy if you're a nihilistic thinker in general and you're not a making a huge internal shift. I was a life affirming person who fell under harsh external circumstances so it was a process for me.

It's multifaceted. You kill off your inner child that had dreams and ideas of what was possible. You drain all self love and appreciation for who and what you are. I personally drained identification with my entire storyline up until then. I never tapped into pleasant past memories anymore and never allowed my mind to wander into potential future comforts and aspirations. You have kill off your hopes for the future, that's the big one. All potential in you and in existence needs to be snuffed out. No potential outcome but more pain will bring a feeling of fulfillment on the day of suicide. My particular case offered me a sense that more harsh suffering was going to come, so it was simple. You have to allow the cold detachment from your sense of connection to others. You hear your loved one's voice but no matter what they say you're somewhere else, and the place you're in that's beyond them is living hell. In that position even the most loving exchanges are empty.

But yea, I don't recommend doing this kind of internal kill off until you're sure. I did it years ago and my circumstances changed but my mind is still haunted by what I did to myself. Those scripts I started playing to detach and dismantle all hope never stopped playing. Now I'm on a doomed recovery path because the cushy external circumstances of my life is saying there's hope but I deeply blackened my internal thoughts so there's a major conflict occuring. I borderline have that condition where you think you're already dead, cotard's syndrome, because of how far I took my psychological suicide. It's kind of an eerie endeavor to do to your subconscious.

Very interesting comment and yes i am Nihilist myself.

I guess i just gotta not think too much and kill of my emotions.


Once the deed is done then there's no more person left to feel sad or fear anyway.

 

[SamTam33]

Agreed that the holiday commercials make me unbelievably sad.

I sometimes wonder what happened in the universe the day I was conceived or maybe the day I was born.

Like, was there a shift or something. A slight, almost imperceptible realignment of the stars that caused me to be the recipient of this hellish life.

I wonder about the other babies born at almost the exact time and think maybe I was really supposed to have their life.

I think about how if there was only a 10% improvement in any given area - how much better my life would've been.

If I was 10% more loved. 10% more nurtured. 10% more attractive. 10% less poor. 10% more intelligent.

Ten percent. That's it.

I think it would've made a substantial difference in how things turned out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally find comfort in the thought of ceasing to exist. There is nothing sad about dying. It's only sad how I'm still alive and that peaceful methods get restricted. Being free from this nightmare world really is ideal as the non existent cannot suffer and have no problems to deal with, I believe there to be simply nothing after this not even the awareness that we are dead.

I despise life and feeling trapped in this prison like existence really is the worst thing possible. I could never want to be here no matter what and I never have done. Enduring existence is completely unappealing and there is far too much unnecessary suffering that exists in this world. Never experiencing anything ever again sounds like the best thing possible to me.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

Agreed that the holiday commercials make me unbelievably sad.

I sometimes wonder what happened in the universe the day I was conceived or maybe the day I was born.

Like, was there a shift or something. A slight, almost imperceptible realignment of the stars that caused me to be the recipient of this hellish life.

I wonder about the other babies born at almost the exact time and think maybe I was really supposed to have their life.

I think about how if there was only a 10% improvement in any given area - how much better my life would've been.

If I was 10% more loved. 10% more nurtured. 10% more attractive. 10% less poor. 10% more intelligent.

Ten percent. That's it.

I think it would've made a substantial difference in how things turned out.

it just shows you how much of life is just down to plain luck.

 

[MaidenException]

I am not mourning my life. I'm mourning the life that was never was— the one in which I am loved, where my parents weren't emotionally neglectful, where I'm healthy and of clear mind. That life did not, does not, could not, exist. The accumulation of developmental trauma is too much and my life has only gotten worse with each falling domino.

I think of my past failed attempts not with gratitude for the life I've lived since, but with regret and frustration. So I highly doubt I would look back upon this time with gratitude either

 

[outrider567]

Agreed that the holiday commercials make me unbelievably sad.

I sometimes wonder what happened in the universe the day I was conceived or maybe the day I was born.

Like, was there a shift or something. A slight, almost imperceptible realignment of the stars that caused me to be the recipient of this hellish life.

I wonder about the other babies born at almost the exact time and think maybe I was really supposed to have their life.

I think about how if there was only a 10% improvement in any given area - how much better my life would've been.

If I was 10% more loved. 10% more nurtured. 10% more attractive. 10% less poor. 10% more intelligent.

Ten percent. That's it.

I think it would've made a substantial difference in how things turned out.

The holiday season this year will be a nightmare, already told my step-mother no gifts! no cards! no nothing!.....Used to put up outside Christmas lights each year...not this year

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I am not mourning my life. I'm mourning the life that was never was— the one in which I am loved, where my parents weren't emotionally neglectful, where I'm healthy and of clear mind. That life did not, does not, could not, exist. The accumulation of developmental trauma is too much and my life has only gotten worse with each falling domino.

I think of my past failed attempts not with gratitude for the life I've lived since, but with regret and frustration. So I highly doubt I would look back upon this time with gratitude either

100% same here. fuck life i wish i werent born.

 

[Sad_Sack]

Ive mostly stopped feeling anything at all - leaned to disconnect from feelings decades ago as a child. But if I face reality, it's deeply tragic to have wasted this precious gift. I was once so full of vitality and promise.

That's what kills me too. I remember when my body and mind worked right and things were so wonderful. Yeah there were life issues, tons of them actually, but when you are healthy in body and mind those things are just part of it. Some hurt longer than others but they pass and good times were back. It all over though. This normalcy was robbed from me decades ago and the pain is just mounting.

 

[HelloIamSummer]

For me, the sadness and fear are huge. Because I've experienced some amazing things in life. Yet, I still wish to die. I haven't fully decided to ctb, but I know a time will come when I'm ready. And when it comes, I will finally say goodbye.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

Because I've experienced some amazing things in life. Yet, I still wish to die

i can relate to this for sure, life was good at one point. Now its permanently ruined and the problems cannot be changed.

 

[Hell-On-Earth]

I don't feel sad about dying anymore. I've been this way for too long. Going through with my previous attempt was the happiest I've been for years. I thought I'd finally get to leave this hell and that brought me great joy.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I don't feel sad about dying anymore. I've been this way for too long. Going through with my previous attempt was the happiest I've been for years. I thought I'd finally get to leave this hell and that brought me great joy.

i hope i can get to that place where im not sad about it and just happy.
im not saying im not suicidal, i just have sadness over my own death.

 

[Lavender Dreams]

I'd say it's no easy feat, and go as far as to say most probably do feel some degree of sadness and resentment, questioning if things could have been different. For me, I found solace in knowing I no longer have the desire, or interest to participate in living, not even happiness. I made a psa to the closest friends that I will ctb, in advance. I know my future only has crippling loneliness and disappointment in store for me, it was just a matter of acceptance.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I'd say it's no easy feat, and go as far as to say most probably do feel some degree of sadness and resentment, questioning if things could have been different. For me, I found solace in knowing I no longer have the desire, or interest to participate in living, not even happiness. I made a psa to the closest friends that I will ctb, in advance. I know my future only has crippling loneliness and disappointment in store for me, it was just a matter of acceptance.

im sorry that lfie has brought yo to this point Lavender Dreams.

I can relate, but as you say i just need 100% acceptance.

My survival instinct and coping brains wants to keep me here so now im in an internal fight with my biological programming.

 

[Freebird4567]

It is sad and I used to sit and cry for the life I won't ever get, but I've accepted I'm not going to get that happy ever after that I've always wanted and hoped for, it just sucks when I think about who I could of been and how different my life could of been, if I didn't have an abusive childhood and have other trauma in my life

 

[Anonymus]

A lot of fear and immense sadness. I know that I have many qualities and that I am intelligent enough to have done it in a different way. I know the corners of my mind, the traps of it, the wrong perceptions that only cloud my vision to not find the right path (not always the easiest).
I understand that I am not important but that I am part of the whole and that I have the ability to influence it... it seems that I have forgotten again that I am deterministic, I repeat it many times but I forget often as in an act of pure denial of the fate imposed to go to know that ... curious that we always talk about who and not what.. there is no creature powerful enough to create, it will always be what. There are things far more powerful than the gods, far above. But they are not aware of their existence, it is enough that they are the source of life and the rest (like the stars in the firmament or the streams that irrigate the earth that gives us food).

Well yes, an immense sadness due to my failure to build a life around me and having to abandon everything. I still have hope that things will go well but I keep reminding myself that I already thought this when I finally managed to finish the Institute at the end of the 90s... I just don't understand how with everything I know with 44 years old I am still not able to enjoy life as I would like. I continue without knowing that I am doing wrong.. and I repeat to myself for the umpteenth time that I am deterministic and that I know everything because things are the way they are.. The Universe is an immense machinery where none of the countless pieces that make it up can go for free, because there is no free will, no one chooses to be born, no one chooses to suffer, no one chooses to live or die. What a mess it would be if everyone did whatever they wanted, the machine simply wouldn't work and nothing would exist.

We live in a cruel order.

//

Molta por i una tristor inmensa. Se que tinc moltes qualitats i que sóc prou inteligent per haver-m'ho fet anar d'una altre manera. Cònec els racons de la meva ment, els paranys d'aquesta, les percepcions equivocades que només fan que enterbolir la meva visió per no trobar el camí correcte (no sempre el més fàcil).
Entenc que jo no sóc important però que formo part del tot i que tinc capacitat per influir-hi... sembla que m'he tornat a oblidar que sóc determinista, m'ho repeteixo moltes vegades però m'oblido sovint com en un acte de pura negació al destí (la fat) imposat per ves a saber que ... curiós que sempre es parli de quí i no pas de qué.. no existeix criatura prou poderosa que pugui crear, sempre serà el qué. Hi han coses molt més poderoses que els déus, molt per sobre. Però no son conscients de la seva existéncia, n'hi ha prou en que siguin font de la vida i de la resta (com els astres del firmament o els rierols que irriguen la terra que ens dona de menjar).

Doncs si, una tristor inmensa degut al meu fracàs per construïr una vida al meu voltant i haber-ho d'abandonar tot. Encara tinc l'esperança de que les coses aniràn bé però no deixo de recordar-me que això ja ho pensava quan finalment vaig aconseguir acabar l'Institut a finals dels anys 90... es que no entenc com amb tot el que sé amb 44 anys encara no sóc capaç de gaudir de la vida com a mi m'agradaria. Continuo sense saber que estic fent malament.. i torno a repetirme per enéssima vegada que sóc determinista i que sé de sobres perquè les coses són com són.. l'Univers és una inmensa maquinària on cap de les incontables peces que el componen poden anar per lliure, doncs no existeix el lliure albir, ningú tria néixer, ningú tria patir, ningú tria viure o morir. Quin desgavell sería si tothom fes el que vulgués, simplement la màquina no funcionaría i no existiría res.

Vivim en un ordre cruel.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

A lot of fear and immense sadness. I know that I have many qualities and that I am intelligent enough to have done it in a different way. I know the corners of my mind, the traps of it, the wrong perceptions that only cloud my vision to not find the right path (not always the easiest).
I understand that I am not important but that I am part of the whole and that I have the ability to influence it... it seems that I have forgotten again that I am deterministic, I repeat it many times but I forget often as in an act of pure denial of the fate imposed to go to know that ... curious that we always talk about who and not what.. there is no creature powerful enough to create, it will always be what. There are things far more powerful than the gods, far above. But they are not aware of their existence, it is enough that they are the source of life and the rest (like the stars in the firmament or the streams that irrigate the earth that gives us food).

Well yes, an immense sadness due to my failure to build a life around me and having to abandon everything. I still have hope that things will go well but I keep reminding myself that I already thought this when I finally managed to finish the Institute at the end of the 90s... I just don't understand how with everything I know with 44 years old I am still not able to enjoy life as I would like. I continue without knowing that I am doing wrong.. and I repeat to myself for the umpteenth time that I am deterministic and that I know everything because things are the way they are.. The Universe is an immense machinery where none of the countless pieces that make it up can go for free, because there is no free will, no one chooses to be born, no one chooses to suffer, no one chooses to live or die. What a mess it would be if everyone did whatever they wanted, the machine simply wouldn't work and nothing would exist.

We live in a cruel order.

//

Molta por i una tristor inmensa. Se que tinc moltes qualitats i que sóc prou inteligent per haver-m'ho fet anar d'una altre manera. Cònec els racons de la meva ment, els paranys d'aquesta, les percepcions equivocades que només fan que enterbolir la meva visió per no trobar el camí correcte (no sempre el més fàcil).
Entenc que jo no sóc important però que formo part del tot i que tinc capacitat per influir-hi... sembla que m'he tornat a oblidar que sóc determinista, m'ho repeteixo moltes vegades però m'oblido sovint com en un acte de pura negació al destí (la fat) imposat per ves a saber que ... curiós que sempre es parli de quí i no pas de qué.. no existeix criatura prou poderosa que pugui crear, sempre serà el qué. Hi han coses molt més poderoses que els déus, molt per sobre. Però no son conscients de la seva existéncia, n'hi ha prou en que siguin font de la vida i de la resta (com els astres del firmament o els rierols que irriguen la terra que ens dona de menjar).

Doncs si, una tristor inmensa degut al meu fracàs per construïr una vida al meu voltant i haber-ho d'abandonar tot. Encara tinc l'esperança de que les coses aniràn bé però no deixo de recordar-me que això ja ho pensava quan finalment vaig aconseguir acabar l'Institut a finals dels anys 90... es que no entenc com amb tot el que sé amb 44 anys encara no sóc capaç de gaudir de la vida com a mi m'agradaria. Continuo sense saber que estic fent malament.. i torno a repetirme per enéssima vegada que sóc determinista i que sé de sobres perquè les coses són com són.. l'Univers és una inmensa maquinària on cap de les incontables peces que el componen poden anar per lliure, doncs no existeix el lliure albir, ningú tria néixer, ningú tria patir, ningú tria viure o morir. Quin desgavell sería si tothom fes el que vulgués, simplement la màquina no funcionaría i no existiría res.

Vivim en un ordre cruel.

Excellent reply and i relate to everything you say.

It is sad and I used to sit and cry for the life I won't ever get, but I've accepted I'm not going to get that happy ever after that I've always wanted and hoped for, it just sucks when I think about who I could of been and how different my life could of been, if I didn't have an abusive childhood and have other trauma in my life

same for me, im sorry.