i am changing my answer. a lot of people have been really cruel to me in life, it feels like. if they were all obliterated somehow by some sort of calamity (alien invasion, war, etc), and if i were suddenly in good health and looked decent, that would make me possibly believe in something. i feel like biblical job almost, everything has just been horrible. some people have this idea of god like it's the one thing that won't let you down, but all i feel is an absence, like there was never anything there. my terrible fate has really shown me how disloyal the people around me are. only 1 friend was loyal to me, but this friend was also a drinker and gossip and she started to become a yeller, and was starting to become meaner, it made me super afraid and some of the stuff she said and did started to not make sense to me. I didn't know if it was alcohol affecting her or what. I was homeless briefly, in part by choice, I wanted to leave the area I was in, but I didn't want anyone to know I was homeless because of the stigma involved. And she also during this time was homeless. But I knew if I invited her to stay with me in a hotel she wouldn't not tell people I was homeless, it would only be 1 or 2 people, and I was working remotely from the hotel and I was afraid she was an alcoholic and would make noise and I would get fired. She also got into conflict with people and I was worried about her getting into a fight at a hotel and my being unable to stay there anymore. She tended to always do things leading police to become involved, mostly yelling at people whole drunk. And she got really mean to me during this time, probably thinking I should invite her to stay with me. I was working hard at the time to make sure she couldn't become homeless. She was great, despite my only describing negatives. And... she started sometimes getting horribly mean when she was angry or drunk... We talked less and less, she got housing and so did I. I was incredibly suicidal and I didn't want her to walk in on me, dead. I thought I would be dead eventually, she had a child and needed to not die. It was such stupid reasoning. I should have had her move in, even if she was a drunk mess. I wouldn't expect her to be back in my life, like Lazarus, but I would need to know some reason why she was out of my life, I don't know if she horribly betrayed me and I never knew, I don't think so however, I think she was loyal, even when I wasn't, I thoight she was better not around me. She was also big into mental health and taking all sorts of pills and I had a horrible experience with involuntary hospitalization and think psychiatry does more harm than good. I didn't want her to know I wasn't taking any medication because she was a gossip. The first few years of not taking pills was risky for me; anyone who knew could have probably gotten a welfare check and gotten me locked up. It was only after about 3 years of working without pills that I felt like it would be harder for anyone to harass me for a lack of being drugged. She on the other hand just took as many pills as possible, and those medical assholes sure gave her everything. She was part of their cult of psychiatry and I couldn't say anything, she just became more dependant on drugs and wouldn't walk or eat healthy or exercise. I should have moved her in. I hate police and she just always got police involved somehow, mostly due to yelling when drunk. I don't know how that would be made better by a god. if a god knew something i didnt about that, it would help me understand.
i was also close to suicide then too, when she died. i was feeling guilt over dying because of her, i don't have that guilt anymore. perhaps god wants me to be able to commit suicide without guilt over leaving her behind. i only started coming to this site once she died though.
i say these things, but really, i don't believe in god or religion at all. i think it's delusional thinking and is almost a vestigial tail of evolution: people who believed in a bullshit fairy tale were more likely to survive the hard times.
i feel truly doomed at this point. i wish i could keep fighting, but i am too drained, i may end up ctb in the next few months. im. angry and want to fight against all the awful things in this world, but there's too much awfulness and im too lonely. so yep... expecting to ctb in 2025