For how lond did you try to turn your life around/recover until you decided to CTB?

[venin]

For how lond did you try to turn your life around/recover until you decided to CTB?

 

[Tulip<3]

I haven't decided yet, i'm still on the fence (right now suicide is kind of my back up plan). After 3 attempts and 2 hospital admissions, and a year of DBT I actually got so much better. It's just recent circumstances and constant physical pain that has put me here. I'm hoping I can get better again, DBT and the right meds really did help me and if it wasn't for my physical condition and other factors I would still be okay. Things really can get better, I know it sounds like it doesn't because I'm back here but obviously everyone's situation is unique.

 

[venin]

I went to therapy for around a year and a half and it didn't help. I also tried improving my physical health health in the hopes that would help. The total time I tried to turn my life around was about 2 years but it was a half-assed attempt. I don't want to discourage therapy because it works for some people but not for my specific case.

What kind of therapy?

Well, there are a lot of others factors involved. 2 of the most being how "damaged" you are and having a good support system.

Thx for sharing

 

[CH349]

About 4 years now I think

I've now come to the conclusion that it's just a useless struggle

 

[venin]

I haven't decided yet, i'm still on the fence (right now suicide is kind of my back up plan). After 3 attempts and 2 hospital admissions, and a year of DBT I actually got so much better. It's just recent circumstances and constant physical pain that has put me here. I'm hoping I can get better again, DBT and the right meds really did help me and if it wasn't for my physical condition and other factors I would still be okay. Things really can get better, I know it sounds like it doesn't because I'm back here but obviously everyone's situation is unique.

I hope it doesn't get to that

Thank you for this. What's DBT?

 

[Peaceful Departure]

Approximately 10 years. To make matters worse, each year has grown progressively worse. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I fight to improve my circumstances, they continue to get worse regardless.

 

[venin]

Approximately 10 years. To make matters worse, each year has grown progressively worse. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I fight to improve my circumstances, they continue to get worse regardless.

I'm so sorry it hasn't gotten better for you.

That's a long time. Congratulations on your strength and perseverance

 

[Peaceful Departure]

I hope it doesn't get to that

Thank you for this. What's DBT?

DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. The dialectic refers to 2 opposites being true. As in horrible things can happen to you, and you can still live a good life with good experiences. I
It's primary focus is on skills training in 4 key areas:
Mindfulness: being mindful of negative thoughts without letting them take over
Distress Tolerance: Tolerating very challenging situations when they arise
Emotional Regulation: Pretty self explanatory, regulating emotions
Interpersonal Effectiveness: Basically healthy communication, such as setting boundaries in relationships

 

[venin]

DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. The dialectic refers to 2 opposites being true. As in horrible things can happen to you, and you can still live a good life with good experiences. I
It's primary focus is on skills training in 4 key areas:
Mindfulness: being mindful of negative thoughts without letting them take over
Distress Tolerance: Tolerating very challenging situations when they arise
Emotional Regulation: Pretty self explanatory, regulating emotions
Interpersonal Effectiveness: Basically healthy communication, such as setting boundaries in relationships

This is very useful. Thank you

 

[ctvunny]

Id say for about 2 years, I tried. Quite short, I know but ctb is the only thing that make sense to me now when thinking of my future.

 

[venin]

About 4 years now I think

I've now come to the conclusion that it's just a useless struggle

I hear you

 

[Death is my goal]

recovery is a waste of time, it won't get better

 

[Anon7b8]

15 years. Tho I'm having mixed thoughts. I've already decided to ctb as soon as i solidify my plan, and all that i need, have completed for a and plan b, but c,and d still has a few chems not arriving... There are still what if moments these few days that maybe it will get better, but i know I'm already dead inside, and really tired to face the next few days...

DBT is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. The dialectic refers to 2 opposites being true. As in horrible things can happen to you, and you can still live a good life with good experiences. I
It's primary focus is on skills training in 4 key areas:
Mindfulness: being mindful of negative thoughts without letting them take over
Distress Tolerance: Tolerating very challenging situations when they arise
Emotional Regulation: Pretty self explanatory, regulating emotions
Interpersonal Effectiveness: Basically healthy communication, such as setting boundaries in relationships

Tried this for years, they didn't say that you'll still slowly die inside

 

[Praestat_Mori]

For how lond did you try to turn your life around/recover until you decided to CTB?

Actually not very long, when the big failure happend a few years ago it was immediately clear that CTB is inevitable. Why didn't I CTB yet? Coz of family, hope, trying to recover and the like, most of us know that stuff. But still it's clear that CTB is inevitable for me. If I only did it back then it would have saved me and others from so much more unnecessary suffering and additional problems. Now I'm still here, still struggeling, fuck everything.

 

[venin]

15 years. Tho I'm having mixed thoughts. I've already decided to ctb as soon as i solidify my plan, and all that i need, have completed for a and plan b, but c,and d still has a few chems not arriving... There are still what if moments these few days that maybe it will get better, but i know I'm already dead inside, and really tired to face the next few days...

Tried this for years, they didn't say that you'll still slowly die inside

Awww

The what if's are killing me more than thinking about bus-riding

Id say for about 2 years, I tried. Quite short, I know but ctb is the only thing that make sense to me now when thinking of my future.

I really try, everyday, but I'm also beginning to think I'm beyond saving

Actually not very long, when the big failure happend a few years ago it was immediately clear that CTB is inevitable. Why didn't I CTB yet? Coz of family, hope, trying to recover and the like, most of us know that stuff. But still it's clear that CTB is inevitable for me. If I only did it back then it would have saved me and others from so much more unnecessary suffering and additional problems. Now I'm still here, still struggeling, fuck everything.

phuk. It's incredible to me that 1 single thing can lead you to want to CTB.

I'm sorry for your misfortune

I also wish I ctb-ed many years ago

 

[Anon7b8]

Awww

The what if's are killing me more than thinking about bus-riding

I really try, everyday, but I'm also beginning to think I'm beyond saving

From what I've experienced and seen from other people and family around me, that's what life is you keep trying until *poof* you are sick and tired from overworking and on your death bed some like most of us here chose to stop struggling earlier. There are very few people on my circle of people who are relatively relaxed and genuinely happy.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

phuk. It's incredible to me that 1 single thing can lead you to want to CTB.

I'm sorry for your misfortune

I also wish I ctb-ed many years ago

Thanks!! Actually it was always clear to me, that under certain circumstances, may they be related to financial stuff (in this case) or health stuff or anything the like that I may consider CTB for myself. So from this point of view I would never ever fight the CTB thoughts ( and the final action to defeat SI) as this is a logic consequence for me personally to avoid further suffering.

 

[venin]

recovery is a waste of time, it won't get better

I hate the fact that I still have hope. Happy for you mate

 

[Takamagahara]

About four years. During this time you'd have thought I was on fire (in a good way); published a lot of art and music, started writing a book, did all the normal Healthy Things.

Turned out to all be for naught. There was no point in any of it.

 

[Anon7b8]

About four years. During this time you'd have thought I was on fire (in a good way); published a lot of art and music, started writing a book, did all the normal Healthy Things.

Turned out to all be for naught. There was no point in any of it.

There's probably a point somewhere. The only ever piece I've sold was a random quick sketch of the sunset. An elderly lady bought it from me and said it reminded her of something dear to her. The piece wasn't even good... Just a random practice sketch. You dear stranger, made a lot of art and music. Maybe you find it pointless, but someone somewhere appreciates what you made. You at least have to take credit for that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Suicide has been on the cards since I was 10. I'm 43 now. I'm not so sure I would call it recovery for me. I accepted suicide as a reasonable solution fairly quickly. I just knew I couldn't do it while certain loved ones were still alive. I suppose I did work hard. I became obsessed with my creative job but in terms of- 'I want to shake off these negative thoughts and really go out there and live'- nah- that's never been me. All this has basically been filler. Treading water while I patiently wait. I maybe was ambitious to a greater extent when I was younger. I don't really knowing what I am now. Just marking time I suppose.

 

[AnonGermany]

About 17 years on and off with multiple half assed CTB attempts.

My first visit into a psych ward was when i was 16 i believe, that was after my 2nd CTB attempt. I went to the normal doc and told her i need help. She couldnt let me go after i told her what i tried and i was forcefully sent to the ward. No grudge or anything, she had to do that.

Now i am 33 and had like.. i have to guess.. around 12 stationary visits (locked and open wards), maybe like 6 daytime clinics where you can go home at the end of the day and come Back tomorrow, 1 special clinic that was know for their great therapy (and i agree with that), and an uncountable amounts of doctor/therapist/social worker visits.

It wasnt all useless, not at all. Sometimes it was super helpful and really really changed alot for me. I Met so many people to openly talk to and share experience and saw them healing as well, some of them still are going strong to this day. Sometimes i even got to know people that inspired me. Some Turned into year long friends.

Sometimes i was also unlucky and the stay at the psych ward or daytime clinic was horrible. It really depends on if you can "click" with some of the people there, which is just pure luck. In the end everyone is there to get help and work on themselves.

Anyways. 17 years on/off horrible times in my head, but also great times.
And now i learned so much about me, who i really am, how my thoughts work, my fears etc... now i am just tired.
I pretty much social distanced myself into my own world. I moved into a big City in germany years ago and nobody else is here.

Yea i gave up, i cant keep doing the same therapy stuff. Its exhausting and i just dont want that cycle anymore. But im not sad about it. Im happy that i can hopefully leave on my own terms. This time no more half assing things.

 

[venin]

Thanks!! Actually it was always clear to me, that under certain circumstances, may they be related to financial stuff (in this case) or health stuff or anything the like that I may consider CTB for myself. So from this point of view I would never ever fight the CTB thoughts ( and the final action to defeat SI) as this is a logic consequence for me personally to avoid further suffering.

I think it's natural to not wanna live as a slave in modern society. To work just to survive.

About four years. During this time you'd have thought I was on fire (in a good way); published a lot of art and music, started writing a book, did all the normal Healthy Things.

Turned out to all be for naught. There was no point in any of it.

Did you fall at some point or it wasn't that good to begin with? Even though you were productive n' shit

 

[Unattainable666]

30 years

 

[venin]

30 years

Really? ‍

I'm so sorry…

 

[Takamagahara]

There's probably a point somewhere. The only ever piece I've sold was a random quick sketch of the sunset. An elderly lady bought it from me and said it reminded her of something dear to her. The piece wasn't even good... Just a random practice sketch. You dear stranger, made a lot of art and music. Maybe you find it pointless, but someone somewhere appreciates what you made. You at least have to take credit for that.

I don't know. I guess. If anyone out there managed to connect with what I'd made then they did a good job of keeping it to themselves.

Did you fall at some point or it wasn't that good to begin with? Even though you were productive n' shit

Nothing so dramatic; it's more that art is about connection in some form and I just up and realized one day that nothing I made was really all that appealing to anyone except myself. Which is ostensibly the "best reason" for doing art, but at that point I didn't see any reason to physically produce any of it. Nothing is as perfect as what you can imagine, after all.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've personally never wished to exist at all, existence was never something desirable, I've only ever wished for the eternity of death which is always a valid and logical way to feel, it's perfectly logical wanting to permanently escape from all suffering.

Not everyone sees life as being something valuable in the first place and my wish to die isn't the problem or is something wrong, I see preferring to not exist as being aware in my case, it's having awareness that there's nothing desirable about existing, I don't wish to decay from age in an existence I never wanted to be burdened with in the first place.

 

[Unattainable666]

Really? ‍

I'm so sorry…

Pretty pathetic huh? I kept thinking there was a sliver of hope but alas no I know there ain't.

 

[Tulip<3]

I hope it doesn't get to that

Thank you for this. What's DBT?

Thank you I'm still giving life a chance, at least for now.

DBT is dialectical behavioural therapy, for people with BPD. It's intensive, my therapy lasted for over a year in total. Even though I'm in a bad place right now, the skills I learned have already helped prevent me impulsively hurt myself during this current relapse/crisis, so even now I guess it's helping me!

Whatever you are going through, I'm wishing you the best and I hope things will improve for you

 

[venin]

Pretty pathetic huh? I kept thinking there was a sliver of hope but alas no I know there ain't.

Nooo. Not at all. It's just heartbreaking

I'm really sorry

Thank you I'm still giving life a chance, at least for now.

DBT is dialectical behavioural therapy, for people with BPD. It's intensive, my therapy lasted for over a year in total. Even though I'm in a bad place right now, the skills I learned have already helped prevent me impulsively hurt myself during this current relapse/crisis, so even now I guess it's helping me!

Whatever you are going through, I'm wishing you the best and I hope things will improve for you

Thank you so much

I hope you get back on track asap!

You can do this again!!

Suicide has been on the cards since I was 10. I'm 43 now. I'm not so sure I would call it recovery for me. I accepted suicide as a reasonable solution fairly quickly. I just knew I couldn't do it while certain loved ones were still alive. I suppose I did work hard. I became obsessed with my creative job but in terms of- 'I want to shake off these negative thoughts and really go out there and live'- nah- that's never been me. All this has basically been filler. Treading water while I patiently wait. I maybe was ambitious to a greater extent when I was younger. I don't really knowing what I am now. Just marking time I suppose.