I've always been an impulse guy, so there was never any planning, no way of predicting or knowing it was coming. It was always the case of materials on hand and a triggering event. The stuff on hand was of the sedative variety—I didn't know then those would never do the trick.
The 2 occasions I'm thinking of both involved serious hospitalization, intubation, funny farm bla bla bla. Now there was a small window between trigger and eating pills both times, one I'm not talking about, the other involved driving into the wilderness to hide so I could do it.
So by that point, the impulse thing is over, and I'm committed. Again, I thought it would work. What I felt—anger. I happily plod along, things can happen, people can say what they want, and I do nothing. Once I get pissed off, it's a completely different story. Thank Christ my violence is always inward—because if it were not that way, well, I would have fucked someone up. And their entire blood line. It's as if a switch gets flipped and I go cold.
Then time just vanishes, and I wake up in hospital with no idea how I got there. The second time I apparently tried to drive back home, went off the road, and only lived because a tree prevented my going over the rest of the cliff into the river 150 or so feet below. I have zero recollection, just a hazy image of flashing lights and being asked questions I wasn't coherent enough to answer.
The period after that, in hospital, was brutal. I wouldn't play nice. Eventually got over it, settled down, and was released back into the wild. To this day I do not keep sedatives anywhere near me—there's no point. The next time will be final, and untriggered. I'll still be pissed off—that's how I get this sort of thing done. Without that capacity to get angry I'd ever be able.
