For anyone that experienced sexual abuse, did it make you hate yourself?

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

I know that i’m attractive. I used to spend a lot of time learning to do make up and my hair. I would diet and do exercise to get the body I wanted. After therapy, it was like hells gate opened in my head, and I was flooded with trauma and remembering. Now I can’t even look at myself. When I feel attractive, I feel disgusted. I don’t want men to look at me and fantasize about me. That is why I deleted my social media. I found out that some guys I knew saved my pictures and masturbated to them. This was when I was underaged. I already have mental issues from being molested and abused. But to keep being used for someones sick pleasure, it sickens me.

I found myself actively making my self look unattractive. I started eating unhealthy foods and feels satisfied when my body started protruding out. I stopped putting on make up, doing my hair, and wearing nice clothes. Whenever men would try to be flirtatious with me I would suddenly be filled with so much disgust. I feel really stupid and like i’m over reacting. Does anyone else feel that same?

 

[Meditation guide]

I know that i’m attractive. I used to spend a lot of time learning to do make up and my hair. I would diet and do exercise to get the body I wanted. After therapy, it was like hells gate opened in my head, and I was flooded with trauma and remembering. Now I can’t even look at myself. When I feel attractive, I feel disgusted. I don’t want men to look at me and fantasize about me. That is why I deleted my social media. I found out that some guys I knew saved my pictures and masturbated to them. This was when I was underaged. I already have mental issues from being molested and abused. But to keep being used for someones sick pleasure, it sickens me.

I found myself actively making my self look unattractive. I started eating unhealthy foods and feels satisfied when my body started protruding out. I stopped putting on make up, doing my hair, and wearing nice clothes. Whenever men would try to be flirtatious with me I would suddenly be filled with so much disgust. I feel really stupid and like i’m over reacting. Does anyone else feel that same?

I don't want men to look at me or find me attractive either. I'm traumatized by the things I've been through. I totally get where you are coming from. It's one reason I don't go anywhere any more.

 

[Symbiote]

I hated myself and lost my libido as a result. Felt dirty and therapists didn't help to heal, they just told me to accept it like it was my undue punishment for existing in this life. Compliments make me feel weird or think they're lying. Your feelings are valid and shame on those guys who took your pictures without consent.

I am haunted by my past, but as a guy, I don't have too many supportive voices to guide me through.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I’m so sorry to hear about the things you went through, it’s just utterly disgusting. And I feel you when you say that seeing yourself as attractive doesn’t make you feel any good.

I just want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like this. I struggle with my history of being abused and assaulted, and it has made me feel absolutely worthless and unworthy of love. There are moments when I feel like I’m just damaged beyond repair, and it’s so unfair that even though what happened wasn’t my fault, I’m the one who has to deal with the impacts and traumas.

Sending you lots of hugs and please know that if you want to let some steam off or talk about anything, my PM is always open with no judgement. Hope things start to look up for you!

 

[Life_and_Death]

no, i just have ptsd and feel sick when i think about it. it has also restricted activities and made other ones uncomfortable and.....questioning. it also gave me beliefs that i know is wrong but cant seem to change. hating myself.....no, i think that comes from all the other abuse....although thinking about it...maybe yes, i do hate for allowing it and for that i hate myself. (wow i love how my brain works. all of that just to realize i hate myself)

 

[Gnip]

My atheist father (a master brainwasher) told me when I was a boy who was still way too young to read that the Bible stated that erections were a warning from Jesus that Satan was trying to get out into the world. I would cry to sleep some nights because I couldn't make them stop. My Catholic mother supported his method of sex "education" without realizing exactly how he was fucking with my developing mind.

Ultimately, while I was in bed trying to make it stop, I sustained a fractured penis and needed to be chemically castrated by leuprolide injections so I could be sure of healing and never have that problem again. (Before that, I was going to attempt using self hypnosis to switch off my sex drive, but my mother forcefully talked me out of it, telling me nuns and priests had higher rates of cervical and prostate cancer than the sexually active population, but my father had already fucked me up years before with his sexual repression bullshit. I had also purchased and read the book, "The New Celibacy," by Gabrielle Brown, probably not something a boy in his teens should have been reading.)

CTB has been the only cure for my situation since my father poisoned me that way, the only means of ending this unnatural war he created between my mind and body.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It hurts so much to read this because I know exactly what you're talking about.

Others looking at me feels dirty. I've always struggled with feeling ugly and inadequate because I can't really wear makeup and tight clothes due to sensory issues from Autism, and it always stung when my family said I was, "wasting my attractive figure by not better clothes" while simultaneously saying that I was somehow "dirty and disgraceful" for "tempting men with my body" when I just wanted to wear pajamas in my own damn house.

After I became cognizant of the fact that I was being sexually abused by an older male classmate-- realising his behavior was not normal and I wasn't insane for feeling so filthy and used, my innocence being stolen in an act that I did not yet grasp or understand (I barely even knew what a period was) I did everything I could to cover myself up, and remove all traces of femininity by cutting off my hair and wearing masculine clothing.

Since then I have experienced more trauma, while learning of trauma from early childhood that I have a hard time recalling, and like you, I feel it has completely destroyed my sense of self and confidence. I exist in survival mode. Seeing things that remind me of the incidents make me panic and dissociate. No therapists or drugs help. My sexuality is warped by a lifetime of abuse. I cannot see a medical setting in film or TV without wanting to cry, yet these things are all I can think about when I am intimate with my boyfriend.

I understand your pain. After sexual abuse, life seems to just become a struggle for survival filled with hypervigalence and a self esteem in ruins.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

I hated myself and lost my libido as a result. Felt dirty and therapists didn't help to heal, they just told me to accept it like it was my undue punishment for existing in this life. Compliments make me feel weird or think they're lying. Your feelings are valid and shame on those guys who took your pictures without consent.

I am haunted by my past, but as a guy, I don't have too many supportive voices to guide me through.

I hate how people don’t understand how living with sexual trauma really is like. I too have been told to live with it, and it is the cruelest thing someone can say to anyone that has had any form of trauma.

I am so sorry that you are haunted with these memories. I wish people weren’t so ignorant. Regardless of gender, sexual abuse and trauma destroys people. You deserve to be heard and given support.
I’m here for anyone if they need someone to talk to

 

[Meditation guide]

I blame the monsters who abused me. Why would I hate myself for being victimized?

When I think of what a nice trusting soul I was, to in turn be abused, there are no words in my vocabulary to describe these vermin.

 

[deadinsideforever]

I don't want men to look at me or find me attractive either. I'm traumatized by the things I've been through. I totally get where you are coming from. It's one reason I don't go anywhere any more.

This

 

[loopylou]

My boss at the time tried to rape me. There were around ten other victims of his, all around similar age to me at the time. I was 15. Only I showed up to Court. His solicitor tore me apart. The actual incident, yea it really hurt me emotionally but the going to court and made to look like I asked for him, that’s completely different thing. I can still remember how he smelt on top of me. I was quite luck he moved abroad shortly after but a few months ago he got in the que behind me for the chemist and i had a panic attack