Flip flopping between wanting to kill myself and seeing a path out

[peacetime]

In 2019, when I was turning 24, my depression meds were really working and I had been on welfare unemployed, completely alone for a few years. I had energy and I worked hard on the entrance exam to get into the most prestigious business bachelor's degree program in my country. I actually got in, despite having been in university once before which made it harder for me to be selected and I needed a really good score.

I was mentally ill, and the pandemic hit. I forced myself to get through studies but I selected courses that I was somewhat interested in but had NOTHING to do with an ideal path to getting a good degree and becoming employed. At some point, after almost 3 years, I was just completely done and dropped out. I realised I'd been wasting my time, just forcing myself through it and nothing I was doing was making any sense. The business degree was geared towards IT business and the courses I was taking had more to do with programming than business. Just braindead decisions that I didn't think through, because I was a husk getting through the motions. I don't know.

It's 2023 now. I have applied, based on my earlier studies, to a good but not the #1 school for a BBA now. So no more IT shit. I can get like 50-60 credits counted towards the degree, probably. I'll find out on in a few weeks if I'm still around.

If I was really active, I could get this degree in 2 years now, and I would be 28 or 29 years old when I graduated. It would be slightly over 10 years after I graduated High School.

Most of my life I've wasted on my computer, alone at home, depressed. Just a complete waste. I was actually "blessed" with good looks. Tall, handsome. But my childhood was super abusive, and I never had social connections and I never fixed my shit until now, I'm finally trying.

I feel like killing myself, and I have SN on the way. Got the other things I need to make the suicide a success already prepared.
I also ruined my teeth, and will probably need 10k to fix them in 1-2 years. I have almost 50k debt already from mismanaging my life during depression and unemployment and seeking out any kind of pleasure I could find through food, games, electronics at one point.

The only thing that makes me hopeful is the thought that in two years, I will be turning 29, and I could have graduated from a decent school with a Bachelor's of Business Administration, and could get an "okay" job somewhere. My goals aren't high, and they can't be since I have wasted my life and have no work experience. Won't be the ideal candidate.

Then, once I was employed, I would lose most of my salary to paying 20k of debt. Around the same time, I would have to pay 25k of my previous student loan payments, around 150 euros a month. So I would struggle 1-2 years with making these payments, and will have a hard time finding an apartment because there's a mark on my record that shows I have failed to pay back loans. This will only be removed after I pay the 20k.

So, I will be 30 or 31 years old when I have taken care of the "critical debt" and will only be left with the 25k of student loan payments. It won't be a problem at that point, making small monthly payments for many years to come.

I have no energy to study. Studies begin in two weeks. I could force it. HOPE that somehow things get better. That I won't be the depressed mess I have been for 16 years now.
I don't play video games any more. I don't really do anything. Nothing interests me. I can't focus on things even when I try. So school will be a struggle, but I'm fairly intelligent so I can usually "wing it" somewhat, particularly math. So I know I can get through it if I force myself, even though I can't focus worth shit and reading is thus a massive problem.

I also feel horrible about wasting my youth. I will be like 32 years old when I will finally have the ability to fix my teeth and be fairly debt free and doing fine. If things go well, of course. And at that time, maybe I could have lost weight. Maybe with fixed teeth, I could socialize, find a girlfriend for the first time, and experience things I massively regret not having experienced. Is it too late to do that shit in your 30s?

I don't know. I've written a lot on the suicide side of this website, but figured to write something here as well. There's definitely a part of me that wishes I could just time skip 5 years and be in a better place. I want to be in that place, but I also have a tendency to experience psychosis and fuck everything up, not to mention having constant depression and everything is hard. But I would want to experience a relationship in this life at least, both a friendship, for the first time, and a relationship with a woman. Pretty pathetic goals for a 27-year-old, especially since I will be 30 before I know it, trying to fix my problems.

If possible, I'd like to hear from +30-year-olds how they see this. A completely wasted youth. Massive problems. Maybe starting life at 30, having missed out on so much. Assuming I get there.

 

[crowbait]

Disclaimer, I'm 21. But in my opinion if you feel there's even a chance at improvement, you should stick around. I'm sort of in a similar situation; shitty wasted life, but it's looking like things could be good and stable after the end of my degree. My thinking regarding myself is- I shouldn't just kill myself for the sake of killing myself. I see a lot of people on here talking themselves into suicide, really not wanting to do it and being petrified of it but still trying to do it- and that's not exactly what's going on here, but still. Point being suicide makes sense when your life is inescapably, unfixably shitty- again I know suicide goes beyond that but this is just me trying to rationalize this deeply irrational mental illness. If you have hope and if you're even slightly conflicted about this, it makes sense to stay. You can always leave but you can never come back.

Also, I have many friends who are 26-30, and all of them have told me that life doesn't really stabilize until around that age, and that your 20s are tumultuous times and are you still setting your adulthood up. 30s seems to be the ideal age: you finally have a legit job, have been an adult long enough to be comfortable in the world, and have lived long enough to have more of a grasp on your sense of self. Also, lots of people take a longggg time to pay off student loan debt. You will not be alone in that in your age bracket.

 

[its-about-time]

I'm 26 and struggle with looking back and seeing how I've wasted my 20's so far. It feels that way. If you could skip ahead five years, nothing would be different for you — you need those five years to keep working on your goals, so when that time comes you can look back and be proud of how much you've pushed through, your successes, and what you learned from failures. Hell, if you had a mind to, you could do that even now, with looking back on your 20's….

Comparing yourself and your progress towards goals to the rest of society is a trap. It's an ineffective exercise. I would recommend avoiding it and instead focus on being proud of what you've accomplished so far, that's what will help motivate you to keep accomplishing more! Keep pushing and putting your energy where it will most benefit you!

 

[myownpetvirus]

Disclaimer, I'm 21. But in my opinion if you feel there's even a chance at improvement, you should stick around. I'm sort of in a similar situation; shitty wasted life, but it's looking like things could be good and stable after the end of my degree. My thinking regarding myself is- I shouldn't just kill myself for the sake of killing myself. I see a lot of people on here talking themselves into suicide, really not wanting to do it and being petrified of it but still trying to do it- and that's not exactly what's going on here, but still. Point being suicide makes sense when your life is inescapably, unfixably shitty- again I know suicide goes beyond that but this is just me trying to rationalize this deeply irrational mental illness. If you have hope and if you're even slightly conflicted about this, it makes sense to stay. You can always leave but you can never come back.

Also, I have many friends who are 26-30, and all of them have told me that life doesn't really stabilize until around that age, and that your 20s are tumultuous times and are you still setting your adulthood up. 30s seems to be the ideal age: you finally have a legit job, have been an adult long enough to be comfortable in the world, and have lived long enough to have more of a grasp on your sense of self. Also, lots of people take a longggg time to pay off student loan debt. You will not be alone in that in your age bracket.

This was very well spoken. I made a post about this in the suicide discussion but I got a lot of backlash. I had a horrible time in my late teens and early twenties and stuff got great around my late twenties. Had my first relationship and fell in love. I just made a post telling younger people to wait it out. When your brain is fully developed and you have some sort of financial independence your life can look Alot different. Also 31 is still young and many friends I know finished their degrees then and have a life now. Please read my other post "for 18-25 year olds"
And yes it truly blows my mind how many young people seem like they really don't want to do it but are trying to force themselves to do it in the suicide discussion forum

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm 30. I battled really hard with mental illness throughout my 20s. I really only got my shit somewhat together 3ish years ago. In my opinion it's never too late to experience anything. Fuck society and their timelines. It sounds like you have a little bit of hope left in you, and you have really great goals that are actually realistic and can be planned, so why not try? I got to experience the most joy in my life at the end of my 20s, and I never had a real romantic relationship until then either.

 

[crowbait]

This was very well spoken. I made a post about this in the suicide discussion but I got a lot of backlash. I had a horrible time in my late teens and early twenties and stuff got great around my late twenties. Had my first relationship and fell in love. I just made a post telling younger people to wait it out. When your brain is fully developed and you have some sort of financial independence your life can look Alot different. Also 31 is still young and many friends I know finished their degrees then and have a life now. Please read my other post "for 18-25 year olds"
And yes it truly blows my mind how many young people seem like they really don't want to do it but are trying to force themselves to do it in the suicide discussion forum

And yes it truly blows my mind how many young people seem like they really don't want to do it but are trying to force themselves to do it in the suicide discussion forum

Grateful someone else noticed this. They call it SI but I feel like that's more when your legs give out trying to hop off a cliff, something like that. They'll describe how scared and anxious they are to CTB, that they want to do more things, that they wish their date wasn't coming up so soon, and everyone in the replies is like "don't worry that's just SI! you just have to push through!" it's really unnerving. Why push someone/yourself to do something if they/you don't want to do it? It makes me sad

 

[BGooG]

I'm 61. I did a lot of things young - finished my PhD by 25, got a tenure track job by 28, and so on. And yet, I didn't get married until my late 30s, and didn't have my daughter until early 40s. So, parts of my life have been delayed in many ways as well.

My moral - there is no single correct developmental time course (I'm a developmental psychologist and see this in all sorts of ways). Everyone is on a different timeline. Your experiences up to now have brought you here, and you have an opportunity to continue to grow and develop. Given your background, you must have many things on the ball to have created this opportunity. It's your choice as to whether you want to pursue it.

 

[myownpetvirus]

Grateful someone else noticed this. They call it SI but I feel like that's more when your legs give out trying to hop off a cliff, something like that. They'll describe how scared and anxious they are to CTB, that they want to do more things, that they wish their date wasn't coming up so soon, and everyone in the replies is like "don't worry that's just SI! you just have to push through!" it's really unnerving. Why push someone/yourself to do something if they/you don't want to do it? It makes me sad

I truly do not understand at all wha they are doing

 

[Regen]

My godness, when I was 30 I also thougt that it is too late for some things. Today I am over 40 and I realise how wrong this was! I met many people who change there life in their 30 and this was a good decision for them.

Do you take medication at the moment? Maybe you can try some anti depress. to get more energy for the study.

Really, try it!!! It is not too late!!! And also if you need three years more to recover it is not to late! I wish I was 30 again You can really make it!

 

[absurd_to_the_end]

I'm older, and from this perspective you should not worry so much about 'wasted' time. Plenty of people don't follow the straight path to where they are. Whether it's something that you control (school, jobs) or not (deaths of people you love, medical issues), things do not always go as planned. My suggestion is to not dwell on what you 'should' have done, and instead look in the forward direction. You sound like you're doing great getting things lined up for your future. Give yourself a chance to make that happen, it's at least worth giving it some time and see how you feel after later on.

 

[affinity]

In 2019, when I was turning 24, my depression meds were really working and I had been on welfare unemployed, completely alone for a few years. I had energy and I worked hard on the entrance exam to get into the most prestigious business bachelor's degree program in my country. I actually got in, despite having been in university once before which made it harder for me to be selected and I needed a really good score.

I was mentally ill, and the pandemic hit. I forced myself to get through studies but I selected courses that I was somewhat interested in but had NOTHING to do with an ideal path to getting a good degree and becoming employed. At some point, after almost 3 years, I was just completely done and dropped out. I realised I'd been wasting my time, just forcing myself through it and nothing I was doing was making any sense. The business degree was geared towards IT business and the courses I was taking had more to do with programming than business. Just braindead decisions that I didn't think through, because I was a husk getting through the motions. I don't know.

It's 2023 now. I have applied, based on my earlier studies, to a good but not the #1 school for a BBA now. So no more IT shit. I can get like 50-60 credits counted towards the degree, probably. I'll find out on in a few weeks if I'm still around.

If I was really active, I could get this degree in 2 years now, and I would be 28 or 29 years old when I graduated. It would be slightly over 10 years after I graduated High School.

Most of my life I've wasted on my computer, alone at home, depressed. Just a complete waste. I was actually "blessed" with good looks. Tall, handsome. But my childhood was super abusive, and I never had social connections and I never fixed my shit until now, I'm finally trying.

I feel like killing myself, and I have SN on the way. Got the other things I need to make the suicide a success already prepared.
I also ruined my teeth, and will probably need 10k to fix them in 1-2 years. I have almost 50k debt already from mismanaging my life during depression and unemployment and seeking out any kind of pleasure I could find through food, games, electronics at one point.

The only thing that makes me hopeful is the thought that in two years, I will be turning 29, and I could have graduated from a decent school with a Bachelor's of Business Administration, and could get an "okay" job somewhere. My goals aren't high, and they can't be since I have wasted my life and have no work experience. Won't be the ideal candidate.

Then, once I was employed, I would lose most of my salary to paying 20k of debt. Around the same time, I would have to pay 25k of my previous student loan payments, around 150 euros a month. So I would struggle 1-2 years with making these payments, and will have a hard time finding an apartment because there's a mark on my record that shows I have failed to pay back loans. This will only be removed after I pay the 20k.

So, I will be 30 or 31 years old when I have taken care of the "critical debt" and will only be left with the 25k of student loan payments. It won't be a problem at that point, making small monthly payments for many years to come.

I have no energy to study. Studies begin in two weeks. I could force it. HOPE that somehow things get better. That I won't be the depressed mess I have been for 16 years now.
I don't play video games any more. I don't really do anything. Nothing interests me. I can't focus on things even when I try. So school will be a struggle, but I'm fairly intelligent so I can usually "wing it" somewhat, particularly math. So I know I can get through it if I force myself, even though I can't focus worth shit and reading is thus a massive problem.

I also feel horrible about wasting my youth. I will be like 32 years old when I will finally have the ability to fix my teeth and be fairly debt free and doing fine. If things go well, of course. And at that time, maybe I could have lost weight. Maybe with fixed teeth, I could socialize, find a girlfriend for the first time, and experience things I massively regret not having experienced. Is it too late to do that shit in your 30s?

I don't know. I've written a lot on the suicide side of this website, but figured to write something here as well. There's definitely a part of me that wishes I could just time skip 5 years and be in a better place. I want to be in that place, but I also have a tendency to experience psychosis and fuck everything up, not to mention having constant depression and everything is hard. But I would want to experience a relationship in this life at least, both a friendship, for the first time, and a relationship with a woman. Pretty pathetic goals for a 27-year-old, especially since I will be 30 before I know it, trying to fix my problems.

If possible, I'd like to hear from +30-year-olds how they see this. A completely wasted youth. Massive problems. Maybe starting life at 30, having missed out on so much. Assuming I get there.

Looks like others have already touched upon this, but it sounds to me like you've got a good plan together to address your career, finances and medical challenges and it's definitely not at all too late to experience new things. Arguably, very few things are too late unless you're on your death bed and are beginning to fade.

Many older folks (like myself) will tell you this: they would love the opportunity to be 30 again. I know I would.

You've seemingly made some mistakes. Welcome to the club. You now know how to avoid/fix them and then you move forward.

RE your teeth: you're not alone there either. There are plenty of folks who have dental issues and they still date and are even married. Unless the issues are attached to an ongoing drug problem or overall bad hygiene, there are plenty of folks who'd still be willing to date you.

It's been said 1000s of times: stop comparing yourself to others. Not only do they have their hidden challenges, this isn't a race and we aren't all meant to do the same things at the same time.

 

[nolongersuicidal?]

In 2019, when I was turning 24, my depression meds were really working and I had been on welfare unemployed, completely alone for a few years. I had energy and I worked hard on the entrance exam to get into the most prestigious business bachelor's degree program in my country. I actually got in, despite having been in university once before which made it harder for me to be selected and I needed a really good score.

I was mentally ill, and the pandemic hit. I forced myself to get through studies but I selected courses that I was somewhat interested in but had NOTHING to do with an ideal path to getting a good degree and becoming employed. At some point, after almost 3 years, I was just completely done and dropped out. I realised I'd been wasting my time, just forcing myself through it and nothing I was doing was making any sense. The business degree was geared towards IT business and the courses I was taking had more to do with programming than business. Just braindead decisions that I didn't think through, because I was a husk getting through the motions. I don't know.

It's 2023 now. I have applied, based on my earlier studies, to a good but not the #1 school for a BBA now. So no more IT shit. I can get like 50-60 credits counted towards the degree, probably. I'll find out on in a few weeks if I'm still around.

If I was really active, I could get this degree in 2 years now, and I would be 28 or 29 years old when I graduated. It would be slightly over 10 years after I graduated High School.

Most of my life I've wasted on my computer, alone at home, depressed. Just a complete waste. I was actually "blessed" with good looks. Tall, handsome. But my childhood was super abusive, and I never had social connections and I never fixed my shit until now, I'm finally trying.

I feel like killing myself, and I have SN on the way. Got the other things I need to make the suicide a success already prepared.
I also ruined my teeth, and will probably need 10k to fix them in 1-2 years. I have almost 50k debt already from mismanaging my life during depression and unemployment and seeking out any kind of pleasure I could find through food, games, electronics at one point.

The only thing that makes me hopeful is the thought that in two years, I will be turning 29, and I could have graduated from a decent school with a Bachelor's of Business Administration, and could get an "okay" job somewhere. My goals aren't high, and they can't be since I have wasted my life and have no work experience. Won't be the ideal candidate.

Then, once I was employed, I would lose most of my salary to paying 20k of debt. Around the same time, I would have to pay 25k of my previous student loan payments, around 150 euros a month. So I would struggle 1-2 years with making these payments, and will have a hard time finding an apartment because there's a mark on my record that shows I have failed to pay back loans. This will only be removed after I pay the 20k.

So, I will be 30 or 31 years old when I have taken care of the "critical debt" and will only be left with the 25k of student loan payments. It won't be a problem at that point, making small monthly payments for many years to come.

I have no energy to study. Studies begin in two weeks. I could force it. HOPE that somehow things get better. That I won't be the depressed mess I have been for 16 years now.
I don't play video games any more. I don't really do anything. Nothing interests me. I can't focus on things even when I try. So school will be a struggle, but I'm fairly intelligent so I can usually "wing it" somewhat, particularly math. So I know I can get through it if I force myself, even though I can't focus worth shit and reading is thus a massive problem.

I also feel horrible about wasting my youth. I will be like 32 years old when I will finally have the ability to fix my teeth and be fairly debt free and doing fine. If things go well, of course. And at that time, maybe I could have lost weight. Maybe with fixed teeth, I could socialize, find a girlfriend for the first time, and experience things I massively regret not having experienced. Is it too late to do that shit in your 30s?

I don't know. I've written a lot on the suicide side of this website, but figured to write something here as well. There's definitely a part of me that wishes I could just time skip 5 years and be in a better place. I want to be in that place, but I also have a tendency to experience psychosis and fuck everything up, not to mention having constant depression and everything is hard. But I would want to experience a relationship in this life at least, both a friendship, for the first time, and a relationship with a woman. Pretty pathetic goals for a 27-year-old, especially since I will be 30 before I know it, trying to fix my problems.

If possible, I'd like to hear from +30-year-olds how they see this. A completely wasted youth. Massive problems. Maybe starting life at 30, having missed out on so much. Assuming I get there.

Hmm I feel you. I don't feel comfortable sharing my age, but I'm 21-25, and can still relate to what your saying. I wasted time in college and failed classes for two years cuz I was experiencing a undiagnosed psychosis and didn't know it until I got hospitalized for ctb; I later learned that if left untreated, psychotic patients have increased risk of suicide. I lost most of my childhood and teen years to trauma so I thought college was the time I could finally live freely but the pandemic and a lot of other circumstances, to be brief, messed my plans up. It's going to have taken me a total of 7 years to complete college since being 18 years old. Although my friends comedically call me the kid of the group, I feel old asf, especially cuz I'm graduating late. But I try to remind myself it's in my head and everyone works on different timelines. I wish I could say it gets better or something but I'm not gonna act like some fortune teller. Besides I think the others in this thread said it better then me. For perspective, I'm for euthanasia and I think my country is on some devil shit for forcing people to live while simultaneously refusing to give them a standard of living that makes attempting to live life worth living. The one thing I look forward to in the life that keeps me moving, and has kept me happy in the present is connection. For me that connection is friendship. I look forward to developing even more connections and community as I get older. For others it's romantic relationships but not everyone desires that necessarily. I know I'm in a time in my life where I don't desire that. I have attached a article with my views on connection. Disclaimer though that it does not fully apply to my situation. I just found the logic of the argument intriguing and it gives a refreshing perspective on connection. Do you have anything in life…that one thing that keeps you going even if it keeps you going just for a small moment. A hobby? Or passion? Or pet?

Grieving platonic love in a romance-driven world

How do we mourn friendship and community when romance inevitably wins out?

scalawagmagazine.org

This was very well spoken. I made a post about this in the suicide discussion but I got a lot of backlash. I had a horrible time in my late teens and early twenties and stuff got great around my late twenties. Had my first relationship and fell in love. I just made a post telling younger people to wait it out. When your brain is fully developed and you have some sort of financial independence your life can look Alot different. Also 31 is still young and many friends I know finished their degrees then and have a life now. Please read my other post "for 18-25 year olds"
And yes it truly blows my mind how many young people seem like they really don't want to do it but are trying to force themselves to do it in the suicide discussion forum

When I clicked on your profile, it said you have limited the ability for the public to view it. Can you share your other post's link?

Looks like others have already touched upon this, but it sounds to me like you've got a good plan together to address your career, finances and medical challenges and it's definitely not at all too late to experience new things. Arguably, very few things are too late unless you're on your death bed and are beginning to fade.

Many older folks (like myself) will tell you this: they would love the opportunity to be 30 again. I know I would.

You've seemingly made some mistakes. Welcome to the club. You now know how to avoid/fix them and then you move forward.

RE your teeth: you're not alone there either. There are plenty of folks who have dental issues and they still date and are even married. Unless the issues are attached to an ongoing drug problem or overall bad hygiene, there are plenty of folks who'd still be willing to date you.

It's been said 1000s of times: stop comparing yourself to others. Not only do they have their hidden challenges, this isn't a race and we aren't all meant to do the same things at the same time.

Honestly it's posts like this that make me happy this site exists.

 

[affinity]

When I clicked on your profile, it said you have limited the ability for the public to view it. Can you share your other post's link?

I believe it's this post:

Thread 'To the younger (18-25) people in this group'
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/to-the-younger-18-25-people-in-this-group.106471/

It's a good read imho but what do I know

Not sure if the functionality is the same, but if you click on a username, a little box comes up and the quantum for messages is clickable and shows a list of comments/posts