CuriosityAndCat
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
- Nov 2, 2023
- 311
I'm just shocked at how little it took to make me see I don't need to die in 3 weeks. I got shouted at recently got called names and the like by a parent. I'm in my 30s, I was in therapy for PTSD for 2 years. I didn't expect the intense fear, the nightmares, and days of flashbacks where I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing and it will fail for every single thing (work, chores, go for a walk. everything). The 2 years of therapy made my life bearable and better, but were brutal. I'm currently on venlafaxine and I've stopped having panic attacks. If I had to do therapy again from beginning, I'd choose to die. My new psychologist is confidant about treating my anxiety attacks and a plan, and it sounds reasonable and not painful. I was feeling like this condidtion was treatment resistant and there may be no more improving beyond how I am now. I'm still not at a state I'd consider normal or functional.andtherapyreasonable
People I meet seem to like me and I make friends easily. The morning I was deciding on whether to die, a nurse taking my blood commented on how bad their days was, thanked me for the laughs, and how I seem like every day is my best. I feel so alone.thanked
The worst part of all of this is how I can't talk about it with people. My dad recetly was diagnosed on the spectrum. Mom has undiagnosed anger and control issues. If I start sweeping kitchen in the 'wrong' direction and she sees me, she gets angry. Several times a year she explodes at me and screams at me for an hour or 2. It's usually from an external stress and taken out at me. With my dad there's no scale to his anger and has issues with noise. While growing up if I talked while on he was on a phone call or tv was on, I'd get beat till I stopped crying. More recently I took a different route to the airport and didn't turn when he expected, and i get screamed by my dad how incompetent and stupid i was for 35min. I actually ended up starting to cry. Nothing was wrong with the route I took and he had so much trouble understanding why that was inappropriate. Recognizing that abuse and being able to say something about it was a huge place for me since I was able to recognize that I wasn't that I was worthless.externalstupid
Others can't comprehend me having any difficulties like PTSD as it was "just beatings and being screamed at". I'm constantly out of the blue overwhelmed to the point I can't move (Freeze reaction from adrenaline). Or feeling like I'm not good enough to even hang out
with people. I still am afraid emails, text, and calls.
Thanks for reading ad sry for mistypes typing from my tablet.
People I meet seem to like me and I make friends easily. The morning I was deciding on whether to die, a nurse taking my blood commented on how bad their days was, thanked me for the laughs, and how I seem like every day is my best. I feel so alone.thanked
The worst part of all of this is how I can't talk about it with people. My dad recetly was diagnosed on the spectrum. Mom has undiagnosed anger and control issues. If I start sweeping kitchen in the 'wrong' direction and she sees me, she gets angry. Several times a year she explodes at me and screams at me for an hour or 2. It's usually from an external stress and taken out at me. With my dad there's no scale to his anger and has issues with noise. While growing up if I talked while on he was on a phone call or tv was on, I'd get beat till I stopped crying. More recently I took a different route to the airport and didn't turn when he expected, and i get screamed by my dad how incompetent and stupid i was for 35min. I actually ended up starting to cry. Nothing was wrong with the route I took and he had so much trouble understanding why that was inappropriate. Recognizing that abuse and being able to say something about it was a huge place for me since I was able to recognize that I wasn't that I was worthless.externalstupid
Others can't comprehend me having any difficulties like PTSD as it was "just beatings and being screamed at". I'm constantly out of the blue overwhelmed to the point I can't move (Freeze reaction from adrenaline). Or feeling like I'm not good enough to even hang out
with people. I still am afraid emails, text, and calls.
Thanks for reading ad sry for mistypes typing from my tablet.
