Venting Flat-Mate Relationship Woes

[Into The Wild]

Hey everyone,

This, as the prefix said is a rant/vent. It doesn't even need to I haven't posted on here in a long time and have been feeling a whole lot better about myself. But something has happened in my life that has really got me back into a negative place (very quickly and scarily; thoughts of self harm and so on which I have done before) and I hope that by posting on here (as most people in the world won't understand my feelings like I know those on here do) it will help me order my thoughts.

I've just started a new University course in a city I really like, doing a subject I've always wanted to do. It was going super well and I was really enjoying meeting new people and trying to be the best I could be. Life felt fantastic. But then, low and behold I did a stupid thing and fell in love with somebody. That somebody was my flat-mate. Let's call her Jess.

Jess and I have had an relationship, in a very very intense chemical way (trying to be PG) for around 2-3 months now and only last week she told me that essentially A. when she said she loved me she didn't really mean it B. she is already thinking of gravitating towards other guys on my course and C. she just wants to be friends and there is no hope of us getting back together. I do not really understand why cos in my head Jess and I were on the verge of making things official. Jess isn't even the easiest or kindest person I have ever met. But I know that I have feelings for her and care for her as well as find her attractive. But it is over now and I know how it is. I know how it is. I am kind of furious as I feel used and I am also very very upset about it at a level I don't fully understand.

Now, it obviously does not help that we live together. That was an error of judgement on our part, granted. But it is what it is now and nothing can be done to change that apart from me moving. I have been toying with that idea but I also like the 5 other people in my flat who are on my course. I also don't want to move for the sake of one person and allow her to "win" in this situation. Not in a childish way, but really I want to stay in that flat and now she is irrelevant I should do what I want. I just know that if she brings a new guy back in any small amount of time (2/3 months) before I have the chance to fully lock her out of my head, then I will probably kick off or be very very upset. I think given enough time and as long as that doesn't happen I will be able to get to a point where she no longer matters to me. I have the ability to do that cos I have simply had to before.

I guess I am asking for advice. If anyone knows good coping strategies to lock people out of your brain and not think about them I am all ears. If anyone has a particular feeling on whether they would move out or not and WHY then again I will like to hear that. Mostly, if anyone has any words of advice on this then please say. Whilst I have been through way way worse with love in my life and those wounds are still there (and probably always will be) this got me really good for some reason and it has spiralled me downwards again. Thoughts of hurting myself are here and me doing it is not that far away. Feels like only a trigger is needed. I've got a big big problem with romantic rejection due to my history and if anyone out there has any tips on how to handle that particular thing PLEASE let me know.

Above all, even if no one reads let alone responds, I am very grateful for this site to be here so I can be honest about my feelings without scaring anyone who doesn't get it.

I hope everyone is doing as best they can be and that whatever decisions you are making in life you are happy with them.

ITW

 

[Sweet emotion]

I think you would need to see a therapist for that because if anyone else is having this problem I don't think they're having much luck either if they're on a suicide site.

 

[BipolarExpat]

I don't see how you could effectively "lock her out" while still sharing a flat. I really don't. My advice is to move out asap. Consider posting some profiles on date sites or something to try and get some attention from others. It sounds like you need to act fast and you have the wherewithal to do it.

Best always, ItW

 

[bea1974]

To start with I would let her know what you've said here about what you might do if she brings another man home with her too soon. It's in her interests to avoid a "scene" and she'd do well (for the sake of your other flatmates, also) to respect your need for a decent amount of time to get over this before anything like that happens.

Then I would start talking, one-to-one, with your other flatmates, being honest and open about how hurt you are, but not bitching about her. Basically, enlist them as sympathetic allies.

Finally, I'd get busy. Throw yourself into your studies. Work out hard at the gym, minimum 3 times a week preferably more. Only be homewhen you're tired, or hanging out with a friend\flatmate. Spend lots of time with friends, when not studying, exercising or sleeping. Initiate nights out, and nights in playing games or watching movies or whatever. Say yes to all invitations (except from her,obvs!).

Avoid alcohol, drugs, rebound relationships, and her, for at least 2-3 months.

Treat yourself like the VIP you are.

Vent here, whenever you want/need!

 

[Into The Wild]

Thanks so much Bea and everyone else who has responded!

I will do my best to get busy and avoid her when at all possible I don't do any drugs but probably need to cut back on the drinking...

I'll try to be a VIP for myself