Discussion Fixated on suicide?

[Mrnobody2019]

Do you think that fixating on suicide just makes things worse for ourselves? Or prevents us from actually getting better? Everything bad that has happened since my break down has just been a "one more reason to kill my self" yet here I am, not dead. In hindsite if I could go back to that time and stop those things happening I would have, but I didn't try previously because I just "wanted to die"

If there was a pill I could take that would just end my life painlessly tonight with no complications, peacefully in my sleep , I'd take it. Or, I think I would? Who knows, because it doesn't exist.

That's why we spend all our time on this site searching for the perfect peaceful death, but we all know it doesn't exist or ones that do (N) are far too complicated and come with a lot of risks just to acquire it.

So why do we torture ourselves? We wouldn't keep trying to open a door repeatedly with the wrong key, we'd look for the right one.

Or maybe researching so much about suicide has actually prevented us from dying? Ignorant is bliss as they say, all of the people who have successfully hung themselves, do you think they researched for years on a site how to get it right? Or did they just think fuck it one day and that's why they got it right? We're our own worst enemies on this site it seems. They say someone commits suicide every 40 seconds. So why are we still here

 

[Mr2005]

I've made myself worse and worse thinking it would make it easier to go through. Stopped doing things I enjoy and cut off all ties. It doesn't however make it easier to acquire what I need. It feels like you need to be at least semi functional to be able to do that but then why would I want to if I was that capable of living life? I suppose I just hope someone will help out of pity but it doesn't work that way. If I don't manage to end it now then I've just screwed myself further. It's killing me slowly the longer it goes on

 

[Mrnobody2019]

It's tough, I've had my ups and downs in life but life 4 months ago was pretty much perfect, I'd gotten lucky, I'd also worked very hard for where I was at, and I was ready to enjoy it for awhile.

Fast forward 4 months and I'm currently on leave from being sectioned (section 2 in uk) because I was insisting that I wasn't going to get better, and that tbf id rather die than try and get better from this. I mean I've been sectioned lol, don't really come back from that. I'm thinking logically, I'm an intelligent guy (probably why I'm in this mess, don't think anyone who has studied psychology would be happy taking anti depressants, medication that changed shit in your head based on a whim from a doctor after 10 mins of talking, no thanks). I don't want to suffer, I just wanna go sleep and not wake up.

 

[Marriedwithsuicide]

It's tough, I've had my ups and downs in life but life 4 months ago was pretty much perfect, I'd gotten lucky, I'd also worked very hard for where I was at, and I was ready to enjoy it for awhile.

Fast forward 4 months and I'm currently on leave from being sectioned (section 2 in uk) because I was insisting that I wasn't going to get better, and that tbf id rather die than try and get better from this. I mean I've been sectioned lol, don't really come back from that. I'm thinking logically, I'm an intelligent guy (probably why I'm in this mess, don't think anyone who has studied psychology would be happy taking anti depressants, medication that changed shit in your head based on a whim from a doctor after 10 mins of talking, no thanks). I don't want to suffer, I just wanna go sleep and not wake up.

One of my biggest fears is being sectioned. My problem is too many people watch me and 'check in'. I always feel its because they don't want to deal with their own guilt or the aftermath. My husband pretty much is ready to call the police if he doesn't know where I am and I don't respond

 

[Nem]

I just need to die and am going to talk to my dr about assisted suicide next appointment. This is just stupid hanging on just to see things get worse, suicide is a permanent solution to permanent problens
Peace/hugs

 

[Mrnobody2019]

I just need to die and am going to talk to my dr about assisted suicide next appointment. This is just stupid hanging on just to see things get worse, suicide is a permanent solution to permanent problens
Peace/hugs

Which country are you from? Wish that was an option in the uk lol

 

[BobbyPellitt]

I know some of the members here may not like what I'm about to write. In my opinion, suicidal thoughts are completely different from the act of suicide itself. I believe that many people may use suicidal thoughts as coping mechanism to justify the feeling of pain and guilt in their lives, but very few are actually determined to CTB. To me the phrase "I'm gonna kill myself" is about as far-fetched as "I'm gonna change" because thoughts are very different from the action itself. People tend to underestimate the strength of a human being's self-preservation or survival instinct. That's why unless you are seriously planning to CTB (method and date set, no procrastination), I would suggest not fucking up your life to the point of no return as insurance incase you're unable to overcome your SI.

 

[Mrnobody2019]

One of my biggest fears is being sectioned. My problem is too many people watch me and 'check in'. I always feel its because they don't want to deal with their own guilt or the aftermath. My husband pretty much is ready to call the police if he doesn't know where I am and I don't respond

My breakdown started with sleep deprivation, wanna know what they do when you're sectioned? They check on you every 15 minutes (can be set to an hour if you moan), which means turning a light on in your room, opening your door etc, all the shit that wakes me or keeps me awake because I need silence and pitch black to sleep. Then you've got all the noise from other patients. I was on an acute ward, so your mixed in with people with all forms of mental health issues, the ones that we still don't talk about, the ones that all these "mental health awareness" adverts don't want to talk about.

 

[WhiteDespair]

1. My mother tried to CtB 2-6 until she got it right (3-7 total). I got fed up with it. My thoughts were usually along the lines of "Again?" but I did enjoy not having her around for 2 weeks at a time. From her, I realized that if I was going to CtB I would make sure to do it right on the first (well, 4th(?)) attempt. That has kept me from CtB. A few weeks ago I was having an awful morning, enhanced by withdrawal, where I went to work, sat for a few hours staring into space and wondering whether life was worth it and how I could CtB successfully. A search for the LD50 for an SSRI eventually led me here. The amount I had wasn't nearly toxic enough and, with alcohol, I'd just make myself sick or institutionalized.

2. The Black Hope of CtB makes me happy, calm and peaceful. Last year I prayed for death and became elated and giddy. For a month I was ecstatic with longing for the embrace of the Maiden of Death. I relished walking home feeling the autumn chill signaling Death's encroaching grasp approaching to strangle the life from the world. The thoughts of Oblivion, an eternal void where I could dream forever, etc. flooded through my mind. I embraced them and drank deep from their chalice. Sadly, that euphoria faded and I entered alternating periods of rage and sadness. The rage lasted for 1.5-3 days at a clip and I was scaring people. It felt good like holding the last remnant of fuse from the explosive or balancing on a blade. Violence teetering on a razor blade.
However, the sadness was equally as intense and I spent some time curled up on the floor experiencing full body contactions of emotional pain. When, I learned that I was scaring a tough old car guy I know I went and got back in touch with my shrink.

3. I absolutely relish wandering the office with the knowledge that I could take a pen, find a nice, secluded spot and turn my headphones into a tourniquet around my throat. It makes me smile. It makes me happy. Something is definitely right with me.

 

[Mrnobody2019]

I know some of the members here may not like what I'm about to write. In my opinion, suicidal thoughts are completely different from the act of suicide itself. I believe that many people may use suicidal thoughts as coping mechanism to justify the feeling of pain and guilt in their lives, but very few are actually determined to CTB. To me the phrase "I'm gonna kill myself" is about as far-fetched as "I'm gonna change" because thoughts are very different from the action itself. People tend to underestimate the strength of a human being's self-preservation or survival instinct. That's why unless you are seriously planning to CTB (method and date set, no procrastination), I would suggest not fucking up your life to the point of no return as insurance incase you're unable to overcome your SI.

I think you're right. Tbf I planned it all after I'd been sectioned, remember being sat in that ward planning how I'd do it. When I was let out on leave, I went for a "walk to get fresh air for the first time in days". That's what I told my mum. I went and looked for a suitable tree to hang, the next day I went and bought a 2 ropes (one to test it was strong enough and didn't break). Third day I went to hang myself, si had other plans. Couldn't find the sweet spot to pass out, not got it in me to just full suspension and hope for the best. And thus the spiral continues, stuck between a rock and a hard place

 

[Rachel74]

I think it does hence why I'm avoiding some posts on here now. Get sucked into it and it can damage you.

 

[Nem]

Which country are you from? Wish that was an option in the uk lol

Canada

 

[Marriedwithsuicide]

My breakdown started with sleep deprivation, wanna know what they do when you're sectioned? They check on you every 15 minutes (can be set to an hour if you moan), which means turning a light on in your room, opening your door etc, all the shit that wakes me or keeps me awake because I need silence and pitch black to sleep. Then you've got all the noise from other patients. I was on an acute ward, so your mixed in with people with all forms of mental health issues, the ones that we still don't talk about, the ones that all these "mental health awareness" adverts don't want to talk about.

I just feel most days that's where I'm headed. I try to hide my bad days and not talk to people but I have to work and help with bills and keep and eye on my mum sister

 

[Nem]

I think the suicidal thoughts are the prelude to committing the act. I don't think one just kills themselves all of a sudden and makes a plan instantly, some might but a lot of people here have wanted to die and then eventually ended their lives.
Feeling suicidal probably doesn't help things but there's a reason that got that feeling in the first place and when the person has reached the breaking point then it's goodbye.
Peace/hugs

 

[dmsdnd18]

I've made myself worse and worse thinking it would make it easier to go through. Stopped doing things I enjoy and cut off all ties. It doesn't however make it easier to acquire what I need. It feels like you need to be at least semi functional to be able to do that but then why would I want to if I was that capable of living life? I suppose I just hope someone will help out of pity but it doesn't work that way. If I don't manage to end it now then I've just screwed myself further. It's killing me slowly the longer it goes on

This is exactly what i did & how i feel. Ive ruined relationships & have dug myself deep into this hole that i thought ctb would be the only way out. Yet im still terrified? Even though i ruined my life.. i still dont plan on fixing it bc i hope i can ctb but damn im screwed if i cant

 

[Haku]

For 7 years I have been off and on the thoughts of suicide, but I always reverted to trying my hand at living again, sure I had minor suicide attempts within those times, but always told myself, hey, I think I could do a better job this time around, but I always fell back down even harder, and it wasnt until a year ago that I finally gave up completely on wanting to live and put my full attention on wanting to die. So in my opinion, I would say no, I dont think saying it over and over again in my head, I want to die, made me want to die, it took alot of shit to finally make up my mind on suicide. I wanted to find a way to make my life great, I wanted a reason to live, but the Universe kept shoving shit down my throat, and backed me into a corner where I felt like I hate my life, and I want nothing more then to just die so I can leave my hell.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Suicidal ideation is an addiction. It fills a void when nothing else helps. It's a dark fantasy that sits in the uncomfortable limbo between life and death. You could choose one or the other but if you lack the conviction then you remain stuck here in the middle . At least you may be in good company here with others who can understand. Butyes it can be damaging too. Better to choose life if you can.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Do you think that fixating on suicide just makes things worse for ourselves? Or prevents us from actually getting better? Everything bad that has happened since my break down has just been a "one more reason to kill my self" yet here I am, not dead. In hindsite if I could go back to that time and stop those things happening I would have, but I didn't try previously because I just "wanted to die"

If there was a pill I could take that would just end my life painlessly tonight with no complications, peacefully in my sleep , I'd take it. Or, I think I would? Who knows, because it doesn't exist.

That's why we spend all our time on this site searching for the perfect peaceful death, but we all know it doesn't exist or ones that do (N) are far too complicated and come with a lot of risks just to acquire it.

So why do we torture ourselves? We wouldn't keep trying to open a door repeatedly with the wrong key, we'd look for the right one.

Or maybe researching so much about suicide has actually prevented us from dying? Ignorant is bliss as they say, all of the people who have successfully hung themselves, do you think they researched for years on a site how to get it right? Or did they just think fuck it one day and that's why they got it right? We're our own worst enemies on this site it seems. They say someone commits suicide every 40 seconds. So why are we still here

This is what ive always thought & said- like are some people 'able' or innately some how more impulsive- so they minute they get the that thought of killing themselves they just got on and did it- like all the famous hangings we read about - i doubt they spent months on a forum! I think they just did it in that moment-
and as I said on a different thread-but will add here too: I still find the thought & process of ctb by my own hands the most profoundly terrifying thing- kind of feels like ive thought about it for too long now, done too much research, tried too many times - and it has just got scarier & scarier in my psyche. I really wish I had just got on and done it, when I first started to feel suicidal- I wish id been able to just act on 'impulsive' as it were, upon that intial feeling and desire I had to kill myself.

 

[Rachel74]

I may create a new thread asking for advice on how to function when CBT is beyond my reach (because of my situation). How to deal with time passing. How to numb myself.

Read

 

[Marz]

I am fixated because I attempted when very young. I think it made my mind twist a bit. Like, it's always in the back of my mind, like a beaconing. I still want to die to this day. I lived through things that are not easy to overcome without help, and I cannot access the help, so... yeah. I'm stuck until I actually end it.

 

[SinisterKid]

I came here after 2 failed attempts. I am positive #3 will be the last, success or not. So I did my research. I now have what I need and can go whenever I want if I do things correctly. This has changed me in a couple of ways. Knowing I can go tomorrow if I want has had a very calming effect on me. I feel in control of my life and my death and its liberating having that feeling again. That calmness has lifted my mood and lessened my anxiety to a point where I am starting to make plans for some sort of future.

Having said all that, I am still very much undecided on if hanging around this place is doing me any favours or not. I have done what I set out to do and I am so grateful to this place for providing that resource. I enjoy [for want of a better word] connecting with people who are suffering along the lines that I am and have done. I take a sincere interest in a few people here and their wellbeing. I want them to be ok if at all possible. But it can get morbid reading certain threads and the constant "goodbye" posts. Reading that someone is dying or has died is still not pleasant, even if it means a end to their pain. But its also a hazard to be expected here.

So yeah, pros and cons for finding and staying here. But I have seen others try to leave and find that the types of connections we make here with each other are not available to them in the real world.

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. Eagles wrote that with this place in mind