backtoearth
<3
- Sep 9, 2023
- 135
I don't know where else to talk about this because it doesn't make sense to people who aren't chronically suicidal, but a week ago I felt 'alive' for the first time. I felt like I had purpose, community, this unbelievable sense of calm, and belief in myself. I had hope, felt content with the choices I had made that had led me there, was proud of myself, and knew the people I care about were proud of me. I have never felt this before, all I know is emptiness and fear but it was like I knew why I was alive.
I will not get into the circumstances in detail but if you are politically active in the UK you may be able to put the pieces together. I was at a vigil/protest where I knew I was going to get arrested for what I was doing, it was my first time being arrested, I have C-PTSD so being touched my strangers is quite stressful for me, and I am agoraphobic so being in such a loud and large crowd is also a massive stressor. I though I would freak out and leave, or even just not sit down and support at the sidelines, but I felt this strange confidence when I arrived and saw the rows and rows of police getting ready. Seeing so many people willing to suppress a peaceful protest in such an uncaring and inconsiderate way (that also disrespects our rights to expression) caused this bubbling of injustice deep in my stomach - I could not back down now. Everyone was lovely and I sorted myself out and sat down, with the comfort of solidarity surrounding me. As I was sitting there in silence this wave came over me of such intense hope for the future and understanding of the purpose of staying alive in a way that was almost overwhelming. I truly thought I could not feel in this way but being a part of such an important show of resistance (regardless of the consequences to my personal comfort), being a part of something that deep in my heart I knew I believed in, being a part of something that I had researched and followed for so long; it changed me.
I now know that I can feel hope, happiness, pride, love and respect for myself, confidence in my choices and beliefs. Not only that but I can overcome my debilitating fear if I do things that I am so deeply passionate about and believe in, if I take part in things that are so much bigger than me my moral compass can guide me in a way that fear and paranoia would never lead me. If I am capable of feeling these things, if only for a day, then I must be capable of recovery in one way or another - and maybe it is not as far away as I felt like is was.
I will not get into the circumstances in detail but if you are politically active in the UK you may be able to put the pieces together. I was at a vigil/protest where I knew I was going to get arrested for what I was doing, it was my first time being arrested, I have C-PTSD so being touched my strangers is quite stressful for me, and I am agoraphobic so being in such a loud and large crowd is also a massive stressor. I though I would freak out and leave, or even just not sit down and support at the sidelines, but I felt this strange confidence when I arrived and saw the rows and rows of police getting ready. Seeing so many people willing to suppress a peaceful protest in such an uncaring and inconsiderate way (that also disrespects our rights to expression) caused this bubbling of injustice deep in my stomach - I could not back down now. Everyone was lovely and I sorted myself out and sat down, with the comfort of solidarity surrounding me. As I was sitting there in silence this wave came over me of such intense hope for the future and understanding of the purpose of staying alive in a way that was almost overwhelming. I truly thought I could not feel in this way but being a part of such an important show of resistance (regardless of the consequences to my personal comfort), being a part of something that deep in my heart I knew I believed in, being a part of something that I had researched and followed for so long; it changed me.
I now know that I can feel hope, happiness, pride, love and respect for myself, confidence in my choices and beliefs. Not only that but I can overcome my debilitating fear if I do things that I am so deeply passionate about and believe in, if I take part in things that are so much bigger than me my moral compass can guide me in a way that fear and paranoia would never lead me. If I am capable of feeling these things, if only for a day, then I must be capable of recovery in one way or another - and maybe it is not as far away as I felt like is was.
